Its official. It has been for awhile now. I'm moving to Chicago and the time is coming up fast. Yet I have no job, no apt and no timeline. I feel that the Lord has given me a general time that I'll be moving and He will fulfill it in His way.
Right now I'm struggling with several things. The first is the easiest to talk to identify. I'm scared stupid. I can do the moving thing, the new city thing, the new job thing and the apartment thing. I've done all that before. But what I really don't want to do is the hard stuff. Finding a new church, new friends, a new support group and I'm mostly scared of doing what God has called me to do there. Make friends, share Him, disciple, church plant. I never really understood what Paul was saying in 2 Corinthians when he says of God, "My grace is sufficient for you." Over the past year there can be no other description for my life. God's grace is the only thing I have. Its the only security I can find. It is the only thing that will give me the strength to do this. Ministry scares the crap out of me because it takes time, it takes effort and it takes emptying myself and letting people close.
That brings up the second thing I'm struggling with. Every time I go to church these days, I find myself on the brink of tears. I'm an unstable emotional ball of TNT just waiting to blow up. I realized today how much I love the people around me. I never felt like this leaving NE. I love the people in NE dearly, but they're mostly family. The people I've met here seem more than family to me. I love my friends and my church family so very very much. It breaks my heart to think of having to say good-bye to all of them. I won't be able to stop crying when the day comes because I can't stop crying right now. I love everyone so much that it hurts. Is this the way Paul felt when he left Ephesus? Are these the feelings that he had for all the churches he had planted along the way? I guess so. I love these people and I want to see them grow in the faith. I want to see them reach out and share the gospel, take Christ to the all! What an epiphany! Well, that's encouraging at least. To feel in some way the same as Paul when he left his churches makes me feel like these feelings are not a bad thing, not a sign of weakness, not outside of God's will.
All for now. Tootles
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
What is my motivation? and ramblings...
What is my motivation?
I feel alone, Lord. Completely. Totally. Alone. Outside of you there is no one I can talk to. I mainly stay within myself and that has been ok recently. I don't talk to people. I never have. I feel all these things and I feel them so deeply. Yet I can't/don't/won't open my mouth and speak them. This is why I don't share the gospel. I don't talk to people about my spiritual struggle, about my life, about what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. Perhaps this is why I don't share the gospel. Do I think that people won't care what comes out of my mouth? Is that why I have to yell so loudly above everyone else when I do have something to say? Do I want to make sure that they hear it? Is that pride? Probably.
Is God breaking me down? Is he showing me how awful a person I really am? I used to think that I was a good person, easy to get along with, a good friend, someone who didn't do wrong things. Oh yes, he's showing me that apart from His grace I am a horrid person. I am evil. I need to accept this. Kill self and submit myself humbly to His will at His feet. I've just never felt like such a horrible person and it hurts. I always knew that apart from God I was evil, but I never thought that I actually acted like the things I hate. I do stupid stuff and then I do humble myself and ask for forgiveness. Then people constantly bring up the bad things. And it pokes at me. It pokes at my pride and forces me to humble myself. I get uppity and think that they should never mention that b/c its forgiven, etc. But that's just my pride.
Lord, please...what the heck! I get it already! "Only what I think of you matters. If everyone on earth thinks you are the worst person, what I think really matters. If everyone on earth thinks you're the best person on earth, what I think really matters." This is so uncomfortable.
The sad thing is that I don't have anyone that I can sit down and tell all this to. I don't think anyone would stop and listen. Are they supposed to? Am I just supposed to write all this out and then feel better and move on? I'm soooo uncomfortable. Do I need anyone but God?
I'm completely dependent upon you Lord. I have nothing. No resources. No contacts. No plan B. No security blanket. Nothing to keep me from going down if everything blew up.
What motivates me, Lord? What makes me get up everyday? I have to go to work b/c I have to make money to live, to pay bills, to eat, to keep a roof over my head. I guess money does motivate me. What else can I do, though? I want to live a certain way therefore I have to pay a certain amount of money.
Lord, what do you want me to be doing? I have all this spare time? "Spend it with me. Come home every night and spend it with me until I give you something."
Chicago is always on the back of my mind. When will I go? What will it look like? Am I really called to go there? How is this all going to work?
I feel alone, Lord. Completely. Totally. Alone. Outside of you there is no one I can talk to. I mainly stay within myself and that has been ok recently. I don't talk to people. I never have. I feel all these things and I feel them so deeply. Yet I can't/don't/won't open my mouth and speak them. This is why I don't share the gospel. I don't talk to people about my spiritual struggle, about my life, about what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. Perhaps this is why I don't share the gospel. Do I think that people won't care what comes out of my mouth? Is that why I have to yell so loudly above everyone else when I do have something to say? Do I want to make sure that they hear it? Is that pride? Probably.
Is God breaking me down? Is he showing me how awful a person I really am? I used to think that I was a good person, easy to get along with, a good friend, someone who didn't do wrong things. Oh yes, he's showing me that apart from His grace I am a horrid person. I am evil. I need to accept this. Kill self and submit myself humbly to His will at His feet. I've just never felt like such a horrible person and it hurts. I always knew that apart from God I was evil, but I never thought that I actually acted like the things I hate. I do stupid stuff and then I do humble myself and ask for forgiveness. Then people constantly bring up the bad things. And it pokes at me. It pokes at my pride and forces me to humble myself. I get uppity and think that they should never mention that b/c its forgiven, etc. But that's just my pride.
Lord, please...what the heck! I get it already! "Only what I think of you matters. If everyone on earth thinks you are the worst person, what I think really matters. If everyone on earth thinks you're the best person on earth, what I think really matters." This is so uncomfortable.
The sad thing is that I don't have anyone that I can sit down and tell all this to. I don't think anyone would stop and listen. Are they supposed to? Am I just supposed to write all this out and then feel better and move on? I'm soooo uncomfortable. Do I need anyone but God?
I'm completely dependent upon you Lord. I have nothing. No resources. No contacts. No plan B. No security blanket. Nothing to keep me from going down if everything blew up.
What motivates me, Lord? What makes me get up everyday? I have to go to work b/c I have to make money to live, to pay bills, to eat, to keep a roof over my head. I guess money does motivate me. What else can I do, though? I want to live a certain way therefore I have to pay a certain amount of money.
Lord, what do you want me to be doing? I have all this spare time? "Spend it with me. Come home every night and spend it with me until I give you something."
Chicago is always on the back of my mind. When will I go? What will it look like? Am I really called to go there? How is this all going to work?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
To Shape and Use
We always have visions, before a thing is made real. When we realize that although the vision is real, it is not real in us, then is the time that Satan comes in with his temptations, and we are apt to say it is no use to go on. Instead of the vision becoming real, there has come the valley of humiliation.
God gives us the vision, then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision, and it is in the valley that so many of us faint and give way. Every vision will be made real if we will have patience. Think of the enormous leisure of God! He is never in a hurry. We are always in such a frantic hurry. In the light of the glory of the vision we go forth to do things, but the vision is not real in us yet; and God has to take us into the valley, and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the place where He can trust us with the veritable reality. Ever since we had the vision God has been at work, getting us into the shape of the ideal, and over and over again we escape from His hand and try to batter ourselves into our own shape.
The vision is not a castle in the air, but a vision of what God wants you to be. Let Him put you on His wheel and whirl you as He likes, and as sure as God is God and you are you, you will turn out exactly in accordance with the vision. Don't lose heart in the process. If you have ever had the vision of God, you may try as you like to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never let you.Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, 07/06
Can this be any more true of my life right now? Can God really change me?
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ JesusPhilippians 3: 13b-14.
Friday, July 2, 2010
In the Belly of a Whale...
I follow the night, can't stand the light.
When will I begin to live again?
One day I'll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday.
What good could your love do for me?
and dread the day when dreaming ends?
One day I'll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday.
Why live life from dream to dream
and dread the day when dreaming ends?
One day I'll fly away. Fly fly away.
There are so many awful parts of Moulin Rouge, but there are some good parts as well - this one is probably the best part. From a Christian perspective, it has many layers. In my mind, I can pray that to God sometimes. At other times, I think about it as I struggle with singleness. What good could a man's love do for me? When will I be through with that kind of love? When will I run into the arms of the most Holy?
I wish I was as Paul right now. My focus solely on the Lord.
And suddenly, my mind goes off on its own and here's what it comes up with: Jonah.
You see God's a god of mercy,
God's a god of love.
And right now, He's gonna lend a helping hand from up above!
Praise the Lord!
He's the God of second chances!
You'll be floored how His love your life enhances!
You can be restored from your darkest circumstances!
Our God is a God of second chances!
Praise the Lord that he's given me music like this. I am now jamming to his grace! Woot!
When will I begin to live again?
One day I'll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday.
What good could your love do for me?
When will love be through with me?
Why live life from dream to dreamand dread the day when dreaming ends?
One day I'll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday.
Why live life from dream to dream
and dread the day when dreaming ends?
One day I'll fly away. Fly fly away.
There are so many awful parts of Moulin Rouge, but there are some good parts as well - this one is probably the best part. From a Christian perspective, it has many layers. In my mind, I can pray that to God sometimes. At other times, I think about it as I struggle with singleness. What good could a man's love do for me? When will I be through with that kind of love? When will I run into the arms of the most Holy?
I wish I was as Paul right now. My focus solely on the Lord.
And suddenly, my mind goes off on its own and here's what it comes up with: Jonah.
You see God's a god of mercy,God's a god of love.
And right now, He's gonna lend a helping hand from up above!
Praise the Lord!
He's the God of second chances!
You'll be floored how His love your life enhances!
You can be restored from your darkest circumstances!
Our God is a God of second chances!
Praise the Lord that he's given me music like this. I am now jamming to his grace! Woot!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Beloved
The past two days have been trying. I've been running away from God. He's been running after me. Eventually, He ran past me and caught me. Instead of feeling complete in His arms, I beat my way out of them and started running again. He's caught up with me again. I'm content to stay in them for now. He's the only thing I have left.
If you've never been stripped of everything you thought you cared about, you don't know how scary it is. I don't have a desire to do anything. There's a gaping hole and the only thing that can fill it is God. I still frantically try to fill it. Yet when whatever I'm doing is over - all I can think to do is lay on my bed and think or sleep. I push away from that. It fills me with emptiness. So I try to fill myself again with whatever I can find. I don't want to watch movies, read books, write, cook - nothing. My desires for everything is gone. The only option he's left is him. Have I mentioned how scary this is?
He cornered me tonight. I want to rest in his arms, but its so weird. I'm not used to it, so I flee from it. And even then all I can pray about it myself - I seek his hand, longing to know what the future holds instead of looking into his face and worshiping the Almighty.
The feeling of hope in his arms is scary. Can I really change? Can I really do what he's calling me to do? I keep asking him to change me, but all I hear is "be first - do second." That's a hard thing for me to do.
More hope tainted with the threat that I'll fail, tainted with the knowledge that I will fail, tainted with the voices that berate me and tell me that I've tried it all before and I failed.
Once again - there is therapy for this type of thing! I'm an emotional mess and I'm pretty certain that I'm exactly where God wants me. There's a part of me that knows this and rejoices in it. I suppose that's the Holy Spirit keeping me from becoming hardened.
I'm still holding on. Hopefully, I can stay in the Lord's arms tonight and not run away.
I've been listening to Tenth Avenue North for the past two weeks. Mostly their album Over and Underneath but also a song from Light Meets the Dark. Many thanks and hugs to my friend, Melissa, who gave me their album and said, "Listen to this!" Oh how I resonate, feel and drown in these songs! They rip at my heart!
The song that I've been clinging to is Beloved. Here's a taste of the lyrics (I think you'll be able to guess why I cling to it). The bridge says, "You've been a mistress, my wife, chasing lovers that won't satisfy. Won't you let me make you my bride! You'll drink of my lips and taste new life."
Besides the intense word play and theological significance (Song of Solomon, Christ/Church, God/Christian, Husband/Wife), this song is just profound. Its romantic, desperate, filled with emotion and so...perfect!
Here's the chorus:
You're my beloved, Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us, Its you I died for
For better for worse forever we'll be
Love it unites us and it binds you to me
It rips my heart out! I'm struggling with, not exactly being single, but how any man could possibly love me. I long for the love and affection of a man. How can I possibly be constantly longing for the love of a man when my God is saying these types of things to me? How much can I prostitute my soul?
Read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers over the past two days as well, hence the prostituting references. If you haven't read it...READ IT! Even if you're not a romance fan...see what that book has to say about what God will go through to get your heart. I feel so ashamed that he's had to go through much more than that to get my heart.
Its hard to write this. Harder that I can't really talk about it with anyone. How do you explain it? Its so deep, profound and connect to my very core - my mind, my heart and my soul.
Living for God alone - I recoil, frightened. What kind of freedom lies in letting go?
If you've never been stripped of everything you thought you cared about, you don't know how scary it is. I don't have a desire to do anything. There's a gaping hole and the only thing that can fill it is God. I still frantically try to fill it. Yet when whatever I'm doing is over - all I can think to do is lay on my bed and think or sleep. I push away from that. It fills me with emptiness. So I try to fill myself again with whatever I can find. I don't want to watch movies, read books, write, cook - nothing. My desires for everything is gone. The only option he's left is him. Have I mentioned how scary this is?
He cornered me tonight. I want to rest in his arms, but its so weird. I'm not used to it, so I flee from it. And even then all I can pray about it myself - I seek his hand, longing to know what the future holds instead of looking into his face and worshiping the Almighty.
The feeling of hope in his arms is scary. Can I really change? Can I really do what he's calling me to do? I keep asking him to change me, but all I hear is "be first - do second." That's a hard thing for me to do.
More hope tainted with the threat that I'll fail, tainted with the knowledge that I will fail, tainted with the voices that berate me and tell me that I've tried it all before and I failed.
Once again - there is therapy for this type of thing! I'm an emotional mess and I'm pretty certain that I'm exactly where God wants me. There's a part of me that knows this and rejoices in it. I suppose that's the Holy Spirit keeping me from becoming hardened.
I'm still holding on. Hopefully, I can stay in the Lord's arms tonight and not run away.
I've been listening to Tenth Avenue North for the past two weeks. Mostly their album Over and Underneath but also a song from Light Meets the Dark. Many thanks and hugs to my friend, Melissa, who gave me their album and said, "Listen to this!" Oh how I resonate, feel and drown in these songs! They rip at my heart!
The song that I've been clinging to is Beloved. Here's a taste of the lyrics (I think you'll be able to guess why I cling to it). The bridge says, "You've been a mistress, my wife, chasing lovers that won't satisfy. Won't you let me make you my bride! You'll drink of my lips and taste new life."
Besides the intense word play and theological significance (Song of Solomon, Christ/Church, God/Christian, Husband/Wife), this song is just profound. Its romantic, desperate, filled with emotion and so...perfect!
Here's the chorus:
You're my beloved, Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us, Its you I died for
For better for worse forever we'll be
Love it unites us and it binds you to me
It rips my heart out! I'm struggling with, not exactly being single, but how any man could possibly love me. I long for the love and affection of a man. How can I possibly be constantly longing for the love of a man when my God is saying these types of things to me? How much can I prostitute my soul?
Read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers over the past two days as well, hence the prostituting references. If you haven't read it...READ IT! Even if you're not a romance fan...see what that book has to say about what God will go through to get your heart. I feel so ashamed that he's had to go through much more than that to get my heart.
Its hard to write this. Harder that I can't really talk about it with anyone. How do you explain it? Its so deep, profound and connect to my very core - my mind, my heart and my soul.
Living for God alone - I recoil, frightened. What kind of freedom lies in letting go?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Step One: Emptiness
Its logical to feel alone and empty when you're being stripped of everything you have. In the past year or more I've been stripped of everything I could possibly be living for. Slowly, methodically and painfully (because I held on when I should have let go) its been vanishing one by one. Its even caused me to grow angry at God and turn my back on Him. Since I turned back to Him last fall, He's been talking and working. I think I've come to the point God has been leading me to.
So...what have I been living for: Myself? Tried it - a deep chasm of emptiness awaits. School? Tried it - burn out, big time. Work? Nope - don't like my job that much (even more emptiness b/c living for other things has caused me to not achieve the calling that God has for me vocationally). Family? Can't - they're 12 hours away. Friends? Impossible - they have their own lives. Possessions? Sorry. Now I'm paying off debt. Food? Oh crap - the scale said what?!?! Fantasy? Another deep chasm of emptiness when you realize that it really is just a dream. Men? Please - don't make me laugh! Solomon was right - all is meaningless.
So what am I left with? God.
When I came to this realization earlier this week, I think I blinked for a very long time. It came after my parents left for NE and I looked around and felt completely and utterly empty and alone.
Its sad to say it, but this is what it took for God to make me look to Him and say, "Ok, you're all I have." Everything else in this world will pass away, but my word will never pass away, He says. All else will leave me empty and alone.
So in the past several days I have been earnestly asking God what living for Him and only Him looks like. I see godly people all around me, but God has a different plan for me than He has for them. So far, I've gotten one revelation or epiphany. Think on God. Paul says in Philippians 4:8 "Whatever is true, whatever it noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." I realized that my thinking is all wrong. When living for God, you want Him always in your head. You want your focus to be completely on Him. Well, duh! How many times did my counseling teacher say "Head - heart - hands"? I can't manifest living for God alone until my head thinks on God alone. So good-bye crappy romance, good-bye regrets and worries, good-bye Twilight, fiction, movies and the perfect men who don't exist (who I'm starting to believe I wouldn't want anyway), good-bye impurity, good-bye lies - HELLO TRUTH!
I feel completely stupid for not realizing this sooner. How long has God been hammering this into my head? How long has He been shinning light into my darkness saying, "Just please go this way"? Too long. O Lord forgive my stubborn, hardened heart.
So, thinking on God = step one for me in living for God alone.
So what do I need to do next? Memorize what is noble, true, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. I need to get God's word into my head. Luckily, God has me reading 5 Psalms a day. So I've got a good base on thinking of Him, but what I need to work on is scripture for everyday situations. When I remind myself that I need to think on what is true and noble, etc; I need to have a verse in my head to follow that thought. Or at least a bible story or biblical principle to think on.
My challenge to everyone today - find out what you're living for. Strip away everything in your life - if it doesn't hurt and doesn't feel empty, congrats. You may be living for God alone. And you're a much wiser soul than I.
Till my next epiphany...
So...what have I been living for: Myself? Tried it - a deep chasm of emptiness awaits. School? Tried it - burn out, big time. Work? Nope - don't like my job that much (even more emptiness b/c living for other things has caused me to not achieve the calling that God has for me vocationally). Family? Can't - they're 12 hours away. Friends? Impossible - they have their own lives. Possessions? Sorry. Now I'm paying off debt. Food? Oh crap - the scale said what?!?! Fantasy? Another deep chasm of emptiness when you realize that it really is just a dream. Men? Please - don't make me laugh! Solomon was right - all is meaningless.
So what am I left with? God.
When I came to this realization earlier this week, I think I blinked for a very long time. It came after my parents left for NE and I looked around and felt completely and utterly empty and alone.
Its sad to say it, but this is what it took for God to make me look to Him and say, "Ok, you're all I have." Everything else in this world will pass away, but my word will never pass away, He says. All else will leave me empty and alone.
So in the past several days I have been earnestly asking God what living for Him and only Him looks like. I see godly people all around me, but God has a different plan for me than He has for them. So far, I've gotten one revelation or epiphany. Think on God. Paul says in Philippians 4:8 "Whatever is true, whatever it noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." I realized that my thinking is all wrong. When living for God, you want Him always in your head. You want your focus to be completely on Him. Well, duh! How many times did my counseling teacher say "Head - heart - hands"? I can't manifest living for God alone until my head thinks on God alone. So good-bye crappy romance, good-bye regrets and worries, good-bye Twilight, fiction, movies and the perfect men who don't exist (who I'm starting to believe I wouldn't want anyway), good-bye impurity, good-bye lies - HELLO TRUTH!
I feel completely stupid for not realizing this sooner. How long has God been hammering this into my head? How long has He been shinning light into my darkness saying, "Just please go this way"? Too long. O Lord forgive my stubborn, hardened heart.
So, thinking on God = step one for me in living for God alone.
So what do I need to do next? Memorize what is noble, true, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. I need to get God's word into my head. Luckily, God has me reading 5 Psalms a day. So I've got a good base on thinking of Him, but what I need to work on is scripture for everyday situations. When I remind myself that I need to think on what is true and noble, etc; I need to have a verse in my head to follow that thought. Or at least a bible story or biblical principle to think on.
My challenge to everyone today - find out what you're living for. Strip away everything in your life - if it doesn't hurt and doesn't feel empty, congrats. You may be living for God alone. And you're a much wiser soul than I.
Till my next epiphany...
Thursday, April 8, 2010
What we truly love.
I think that sometimes the sins we love are the very ones which keep us from getting what our hearts really desire. Check it out in your own life. What is a sin that you know you should stop but you love? You cling to it. You crave it. You're lost in it. Does it have something to do with what your heart desires most? Mine does. I have used that sin to fill the longing. I have pushed God's timing out of my life and I have filled it with what I want, when I want it and how I want it. It is so sick and twisted if you really think about it. There is therapy for this kind of thing!!
Perhaps the longing in our hearts that we fill with sin could be filled with real peace if we sought after God as we ought. I know the longings in my heart would be true and correct if I pursued my God as I ought.
The pursuit of God is what the human heart was created for. Let me not add my own petty substitutes instead of seeking after the creator and lover of my soul!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Post Fast Update
Hey everyone.
Here's a quick post-fast update.
I swelled up like a balloon at the end of my 2nd week of eating. But I am happy to report that I had to be in the bathroom every hour over the past 2 days so I'm back down to only 8lbs gained since my fast ended. Given the food in my system and the fact that I've been building muscle working a house with a friend (http://newoldthompsonhouse.blogspot.com/) I'm happy with that. I had mass cravings for nuts and am still trying to stay away from carbs and eating lots of meat. I cheated last weekend and had mexican food- TWICE! Chicken fried chimichangas with nacho sauce and all the chips and salsa I can eat! Woot! Bring it on!
Spiritually, its been up and down. I'm more in tune with God now. I've felt him leading me and as soon as I know exactly where, I'll let you know. I am more aware of not wanting to spend time with him as opposed to my usual forgetting about him. I guess that's good in a way. I'm a sinful creature in the midst of sanctification, he's working on me.
I sense his presence in the spring time air! Oh how I love to walk to the pastures at my friend's house and just look at the beauty. I always wish I was in some awesome old dress and there were no cars and I had to go home and churn butter. I'm odd, I know.
That's all for now!
Here's a quick post-fast update.
I swelled up like a balloon at the end of my 2nd week of eating. But I am happy to report that I had to be in the bathroom every hour over the past 2 days so I'm back down to only 8lbs gained since my fast ended. Given the food in my system and the fact that I've been building muscle working a house with a friend (http://newoldthompsonhouse.blogspot.com/) I'm happy with that. I had mass cravings for nuts and am still trying to stay away from carbs and eating lots of meat. I cheated last weekend and had mexican food- TWICE! Chicken fried chimichangas with nacho sauce and all the chips and salsa I can eat! Woot! Bring it on!
Spiritually, its been up and down. I'm more in tune with God now. I've felt him leading me and as soon as I know exactly where, I'll let you know. I am more aware of not wanting to spend time with him as opposed to my usual forgetting about him. I guess that's good in a way. I'm a sinful creature in the midst of sanctification, he's working on me.
I sense his presence in the spring time air! Oh how I love to walk to the pastures at my friend's house and just look at the beauty. I always wish I was in some awesome old dress and there were no cars and I had to go home and churn butter. I'm odd, I know.
That's all for now!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Day 30
Welp, today's the last day of my fast. Don't think I'm not excited!! I am! Its just going to be so weird to start eating again. I mean, what does chewing feel like again? What's it going to be like to actually have muscle strength? Hmmmm...we'll see. My first meal is going to consist of a banana and some salad. Yeah, I know. I'm very adventurous. But anyway...I have to start out slowly. My body isn't used to having to digest food and I need to start introducing foods to it slowly so that I don't get sick. And I also so I don't begin to eat eat eat eat eat eat!
So what have I learned during this fasting experience?
Where do I begin?
1) God is amazing!
2) God is amazing!
3) God is amazing!
That's all I've really learned. There have been insights into the past and ways that I act, how I deal with emotions, but the main thing I can say about this fast is that it brought me back to God. I'm not a "godly" woman yet by any stretch of the imagination, but I was shown who I was living for - who I still sometimes live for - me. And that should not be! I have gained some victory in some sinful areas of my life. I cannot be slacking on guarding my mind on these sins because they come back very easily. There is just a general sense of purpose again.
Speaking of purpose, I had a FANTASTIC Thursday! I met with a woman who works with the Indian population in Louisville. She is the head of a people group organization and I was asking her whether there's any work going on with Russians in L'ville, etc etc. and she gave me some amazing contacts. She also opened my eyes to see how I could engage Russians around the US and perhaps work for NAMB before I go international. I would much prefer to be practicing for the cross cultural missions in my home culture before I go off and minister in another culture. It opened my eyes to the possibilities in the US while God has me here. He's placed me where he's placed me for a reason and I need to figure out what that is.
Also, I am now leading a children's choir at my church, grades 2-5. I'm thinking that's going to be fun!
And I've been asked to be a youth sponsor for M-Fuge. Don't know how that's going to go over with my work schedule but I'm praying about it.
Wow!
Apparently, God has opened up some areas of ministry I can be involved in both in my local church and in my city. I am very excited about what God would have me doing, and at the same time I need guidance as to what I should accept so that I don't try to work in areas that God doesn't want me in.
Physically, since Dec 24th 2009, I am down 41lbs. I lost 17lbs in my 10 day fast in Jan and 24lbs in my 30 day fast. I put on a T-shirt today from Hard Rock Cafe Louisville that used to be really tight. Its very very loose right now. :) I'm incredibly grateful for the weight loss God has given me and hope and pray that he'll continue to help me lose. I have 24lbs left until I hit my international missions goal. I'm planning on 6 months to get that off (so Nov), but I'm thinking that once I start exercising again, I'll lose it faster than that. Then I'm only 15lbs away from my ultimate goal. I can't believe that God is helping me do this. I believed for so long that I was incapable of losing it. Its only by God's grace, let me tell you!
So closing thoughts on a 30 day fast.
1) If you do not have a personal relationship with Christ, please please please - I'm begging you - seek someone out who does and ask them about it. Ask me about it. I would LOVE to share with you how you can have purpose and peace and freedom in your life. My relationship with Christ is the only thing in my life worth anything. Everyone I know will die, everything I have will break and fade and can be destroyed but my relationship with my creator cannot be touched by anything in this world.
2) This is by no means the end of this blog nor the end of my spiritual journey. I hope to be able to come back to this and share with everyone people who have come to Christ, insights given by the Holy Spirit and general victories and struggles in my Christian life. But for now, I'm going to grocery shopping! :)
So what have I learned during this fasting experience?
Where do I begin?
1) God is amazing!
2) God is amazing!
3) God is amazing!
That's all I've really learned. There have been insights into the past and ways that I act, how I deal with emotions, but the main thing I can say about this fast is that it brought me back to God. I'm not a "godly" woman yet by any stretch of the imagination, but I was shown who I was living for - who I still sometimes live for - me. And that should not be! I have gained some victory in some sinful areas of my life. I cannot be slacking on guarding my mind on these sins because they come back very easily. There is just a general sense of purpose again.
Speaking of purpose, I had a FANTASTIC Thursday! I met with a woman who works with the Indian population in Louisville. She is the head of a people group organization and I was asking her whether there's any work going on with Russians in L'ville, etc etc. and she gave me some amazing contacts. She also opened my eyes to see how I could engage Russians around the US and perhaps work for NAMB before I go international. I would much prefer to be practicing for the cross cultural missions in my home culture before I go off and minister in another culture. It opened my eyes to the possibilities in the US while God has me here. He's placed me where he's placed me for a reason and I need to figure out what that is.
Also, I am now leading a children's choir at my church, grades 2-5. I'm thinking that's going to be fun!
And I've been asked to be a youth sponsor for M-Fuge. Don't know how that's going to go over with my work schedule but I'm praying about it.
Wow!
Apparently, God has opened up some areas of ministry I can be involved in both in my local church and in my city. I am very excited about what God would have me doing, and at the same time I need guidance as to what I should accept so that I don't try to work in areas that God doesn't want me in.
Physically, since Dec 24th 2009, I am down 41lbs. I lost 17lbs in my 10 day fast in Jan and 24lbs in my 30 day fast. I put on a T-shirt today from Hard Rock Cafe Louisville that used to be really tight. Its very very loose right now. :) I'm incredibly grateful for the weight loss God has given me and hope and pray that he'll continue to help me lose. I have 24lbs left until I hit my international missions goal. I'm planning on 6 months to get that off (so Nov), but I'm thinking that once I start exercising again, I'll lose it faster than that. Then I'm only 15lbs away from my ultimate goal. I can't believe that God is helping me do this. I believed for so long that I was incapable of losing it. Its only by God's grace, let me tell you!
So closing thoughts on a 30 day fast.
1) If you do not have a personal relationship with Christ, please please please - I'm begging you - seek someone out who does and ask them about it. Ask me about it. I would LOVE to share with you how you can have purpose and peace and freedom in your life. My relationship with Christ is the only thing in my life worth anything. Everyone I know will die, everything I have will break and fade and can be destroyed but my relationship with my creator cannot be touched by anything in this world.
2) This is by no means the end of this blog nor the end of my spiritual journey. I hope to be able to come back to this and share with everyone people who have come to Christ, insights given by the Holy Spirit and general victories and struggles in my Christian life. But for now, I'm going to grocery shopping! :)
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Day 23
I have struggled today with what to say to God. I sit in silence and attempt to focus my mind. I read a few verses in Romans 11, which ended up in more questions than prayer. I moved back to Philippians. I had planned on reading it all the way through again. This time I only got to 1:3. It reminded me of all the people in Russia that I have had the opportunity and pleasure to work with. I said a short prayer of thanks for them and prayed for their lives. Paul loved the Philippians so much. I don't love any people that I've worked with that much. Perhaps the Carrs from Ufa. I love that family. I loved talking with their Russian nanny, although I can't remember her name for the life of me. She touched me as well.
My mind has been wandering for the past hour and I'm trying to make some kind of sense out of it. I remember my last trip to Russia. Getting up every morning and making the trek to McDonalds, hoping not to be ticketed for parking while we were inside. Or having breakfast with Russians during our conference. It made me stop and think about what life on the mission field would really be like when I'm not being toted around by the SC and taken care of by his family. Would I really be able to be effective?
My mind then wandered again to what I really wanted out of life. The social stigma is for me to want a husband and a family and I do long to work for my family, but right now...I just want to be a missionary. I want to share Christ with passion and with confidence and I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want to finally realize that calling that I have. But what will it cost me? That was the question that came into my mind- directly from the Lord, I believe. I do want to be passionate about sharing the gospel but I have to realize that it will cost me everything.
I must die.
And I don't want to.
To rip everything out so that my self is exposed and then kill it is a painful venture. Yet it must be done! The only way I can succeed in this life is to kill self. I must lose my life in order to find it. Oh how that scares me. Do you realize the implications of that statement? Lose my life. I must trust my God enough to allow him to kill me. I must trust him with everything, give up everything and hope/trust that he will be enough. Perhaps this is the underlying problem of my life today. I don't trust him enough.
Jesus says that we must take up our crosses daily and follow him. That much I think I can do. I am now realizing how that is done - practically. As I take a deep breath and throw off the fear that so easily entangles, I realize that dying to self and living in Christ is not such a lofty venture. It is bound in the everyday decisions. It is asking myself, "Who are you living for?" It is putting aside what I want to do that day, how much I want to sleep, what I want to eat, who I want to talk to, who I want to love, the attitude I want to have, what I want to watch, what I want to read, how I want to react, how I want to respond, how much effort I want to use. Notice a pattern there? "I". Insert "God" where you see "I" and you've got the right worldview for dying to self.
I can't believe its taken me 8 years to finally sit down with God and realize what death to self means.
The hard question I have to ask myself today, is "what does God want me to do today?" Beyond spending time with him and reading his word, meditating on his message - what does today entail?
For the first time since I started fasting, I have a Saturday to myself. I have no appointments, no requirements, nothing. I am actually still in bed and still in my pajamas. When I'm done with this portion of my day, what should the rest of the day include? I definitely need to stay away from movies. I have a dresser I can put together. I have some cleaning to do. I have a friend I can visit. What should be my next priority? What would Jesus to today? What did he do everyday when he wasn't in the ministry? Those are the days that I wish I could see. When you're not in full-time ministry, what should you do?
Practically, Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
Hmm...good words to live by today.
For those of you who don't journal. Start. I have found that writing down what I have been thinking about opens up entire applications for my mind. All of what I've just written, I thought of on the spot based upon the ways my mind was working. Scripture came to my mind, applications and practical tidbits came to my mind. Past thoughts which God strategically placed came to my mind. Our Lord is wonderful. Maybe this happens to me because I fancy myself to be a writer. I like writing. I write by hand too slow, so I have found blogging to be especially helpful. Try it. You don't have to have a subject to write about. Just start off with the sentence, "I have been thinking about..." and go from there. I find it helpful.
Onto the fast: Yes. Day 23. Wow! Everyone is telling me how impressed they are with me. The not eating part has been easy. Its the getting closer to God part that has been a struggle. Yet it has been soooo worth it! God has been blessing me. He has been pulling me close to him and it has been wonderful! I haven't stopped all of the sins that I started out with, but they have been getting fewer and farther in between. I have been seeing God work, God changing me. I praise him for it! If you ever think you can live on your own strength, apart from grace. You are wrong. I will argue that point with you day in and day out. I cannot live apart from the grace of my Lord. It is a depressing and horrid existence. I experienced it for almost an entire year before I realized what I was trying to do.
So physically, I have felt fine. My digestive tract started up on Wed(?) because I drank some apple juice with some pulp in it. This week has been a constant struggle against food. My mind is craving it, but my body is happy w/o it. I went to Fazoli's fast night with some friends and I wanted to eat, but when I'm fasting, there is a supernatural force that just keeps me from reaching out and taking it. I wish that the force would exist when I'm eating. I keep saying that its easier for me to eat nothing at all than to control myself. I pray that this isn't the case when I start eating again.
I have been struggling with the thought of just eating fruits/veggies when I'm done till Holy week. I am craving carbs and protein, which is expected given the amount of time I've been fasting. I'm wondering if it wouldn't be more beneficial to fast from movies and books (except for the bible and spiritually related books) for Holy Week. Yet, I feel that I should at least do Thurs-Sat of Holy Week. My focus should remain on Christ. Anyway, I'll decide that when I'm eating again. Now is a terrible time to decide what I can and cannot do.
That's all for my book today.
Have a great weekend!
My mind has been wandering for the past hour and I'm trying to make some kind of sense out of it. I remember my last trip to Russia. Getting up every morning and making the trek to McDonalds, hoping not to be ticketed for parking while we were inside. Or having breakfast with Russians during our conference. It made me stop and think about what life on the mission field would really be like when I'm not being toted around by the SC and taken care of by his family. Would I really be able to be effective?
My mind then wandered again to what I really wanted out of life. The social stigma is for me to want a husband and a family and I do long to work for my family, but right now...I just want to be a missionary. I want to share Christ with passion and with confidence and I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want to finally realize that calling that I have. But what will it cost me? That was the question that came into my mind- directly from the Lord, I believe. I do want to be passionate about sharing the gospel but I have to realize that it will cost me everything.
I must die.
And I don't want to.
To rip everything out so that my self is exposed and then kill it is a painful venture. Yet it must be done! The only way I can succeed in this life is to kill self. I must lose my life in order to find it. Oh how that scares me. Do you realize the implications of that statement? Lose my life. I must trust my God enough to allow him to kill me. I must trust him with everything, give up everything and hope/trust that he will be enough. Perhaps this is the underlying problem of my life today. I don't trust him enough.
Jesus says that we must take up our crosses daily and follow him. That much I think I can do. I am now realizing how that is done - practically. As I take a deep breath and throw off the fear that so easily entangles, I realize that dying to self and living in Christ is not such a lofty venture. It is bound in the everyday decisions. It is asking myself, "Who are you living for?" It is putting aside what I want to do that day, how much I want to sleep, what I want to eat, who I want to talk to, who I want to love, the attitude I want to have, what I want to watch, what I want to read, how I want to react, how I want to respond, how much effort I want to use. Notice a pattern there? "I". Insert "God" where you see "I" and you've got the right worldview for dying to self.
I can't believe its taken me 8 years to finally sit down with God and realize what death to self means.
The hard question I have to ask myself today, is "what does God want me to do today?" Beyond spending time with him and reading his word, meditating on his message - what does today entail?
For the first time since I started fasting, I have a Saturday to myself. I have no appointments, no requirements, nothing. I am actually still in bed and still in my pajamas. When I'm done with this portion of my day, what should the rest of the day include? I definitely need to stay away from movies. I have a dresser I can put together. I have some cleaning to do. I have a friend I can visit. What should be my next priority? What would Jesus to today? What did he do everyday when he wasn't in the ministry? Those are the days that I wish I could see. When you're not in full-time ministry, what should you do?
Practically, Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
Hmm...good words to live by today.
For those of you who don't journal. Start. I have found that writing down what I have been thinking about opens up entire applications for my mind. All of what I've just written, I thought of on the spot based upon the ways my mind was working. Scripture came to my mind, applications and practical tidbits came to my mind. Past thoughts which God strategically placed came to my mind. Our Lord is wonderful. Maybe this happens to me because I fancy myself to be a writer. I like writing. I write by hand too slow, so I have found blogging to be especially helpful. Try it. You don't have to have a subject to write about. Just start off with the sentence, "I have been thinking about..." and go from there. I find it helpful.
Onto the fast: Yes. Day 23. Wow! Everyone is telling me how impressed they are with me. The not eating part has been easy. Its the getting closer to God part that has been a struggle. Yet it has been soooo worth it! God has been blessing me. He has been pulling me close to him and it has been wonderful! I haven't stopped all of the sins that I started out with, but they have been getting fewer and farther in between. I have been seeing God work, God changing me. I praise him for it! If you ever think you can live on your own strength, apart from grace. You are wrong. I will argue that point with you day in and day out. I cannot live apart from the grace of my Lord. It is a depressing and horrid existence. I experienced it for almost an entire year before I realized what I was trying to do.
So physically, I have felt fine. My digestive tract started up on Wed(?) because I drank some apple juice with some pulp in it. This week has been a constant struggle against food. My mind is craving it, but my body is happy w/o it. I went to Fazoli's fast night with some friends and I wanted to eat, but when I'm fasting, there is a supernatural force that just keeps me from reaching out and taking it. I wish that the force would exist when I'm eating. I keep saying that its easier for me to eat nothing at all than to control myself. I pray that this isn't the case when I start eating again.
I have been struggling with the thought of just eating fruits/veggies when I'm done till Holy week. I am craving carbs and protein, which is expected given the amount of time I've been fasting. I'm wondering if it wouldn't be more beneficial to fast from movies and books (except for the bible and spiritually related books) for Holy Week. Yet, I feel that I should at least do Thurs-Sat of Holy Week. My focus should remain on Christ. Anyway, I'll decide that when I'm eating again. Now is a terrible time to decide what I can and cannot do.
That's all for my book today.
Have a great weekend!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Day 19 : The Pursuit of God
I have had to ask myself the past several days the question, "Who am I living for?" I am ashamed to admit that whenever I answer that question, it is undoubtedly - myself. It shocks me how much I live for myself. In every decision I make, I must ask myself this question.
I bought A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God. It came last night and I read the first chapter yesterday. Yet, it was the second chapter today which tugged at my heart. He entitled the chapter The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing. He talks about idols of the heart and how they must be ripped out. Slowly and gently whittling them down to nothing will not work - they must be torn out. Our hearts will bleed when this is done and it will be painful, but I must ask myself the question, "Who am I living for?" If I continue to live for myself, I will end up in the same position I have been for the past year. I will continue to feel ashamed every morning when I go to the Lord and I will continue to fail. I will continue to not have victory over my sin.
The beautiful irony of Abraham after he was obedient in sacrificing Isaac, was that "He had everything, but he possessed nothing." (Tozer, p 27)
I took this to heart this morning and have started to get rid of things that distract me from the Lord, things which take my attention off of Him. Yet, I argue with God about getting rid of things that are closest to my heart. Things that I have invested my life in. And I realize that he wants them deleted, gone from my life. It was to my peril that I invested such time and energy in them instead of in pursuit of my Lord. It still hurts. I am ashamed to say that I have given myself a lifeline to one day get them back. O Lord, rip them from my clutches and comfort my heart while it bleeds.
Day 19 of my fast. Wow. Tomorrow I will have 10 days left. When I'm sitting at home, with my bible on my lap and the words of my God in my head, I do not wish for food. But when I'm in the real world, I long for the things I cannot have. If I do not desire food, I guess I will continue my fast until I do desire food. At least until I desire the correct kind of food. I don't want fruit and vegetables this time around. No. I want fried chicken, and cakes and chips - all the things that I feel I have been denying myself. All the things I think I'm missing out on. I don't quite know how to proceed today, as I usually do. I suppose I will continue in the path shown and trust that God will continue to help me pursue Him.
I bought A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God. It came last night and I read the first chapter yesterday. Yet, it was the second chapter today which tugged at my heart. He entitled the chapter The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing. He talks about idols of the heart and how they must be ripped out. Slowly and gently whittling them down to nothing will not work - they must be torn out. Our hearts will bleed when this is done and it will be painful, but I must ask myself the question, "Who am I living for?" If I continue to live for myself, I will end up in the same position I have been for the past year. I will continue to feel ashamed every morning when I go to the Lord and I will continue to fail. I will continue to not have victory over my sin.
The beautiful irony of Abraham after he was obedient in sacrificing Isaac, was that "He had everything, but he possessed nothing." (Tozer, p 27)
I took this to heart this morning and have started to get rid of things that distract me from the Lord, things which take my attention off of Him. Yet, I argue with God about getting rid of things that are closest to my heart. Things that I have invested my life in. And I realize that he wants them deleted, gone from my life. It was to my peril that I invested such time and energy in them instead of in pursuit of my Lord. It still hurts. I am ashamed to say that I have given myself a lifeline to one day get them back. O Lord, rip them from my clutches and comfort my heart while it bleeds.
Day 19 of my fast. Wow. Tomorrow I will have 10 days left. When I'm sitting at home, with my bible on my lap and the words of my God in my head, I do not wish for food. But when I'm in the real world, I long for the things I cannot have. If I do not desire food, I guess I will continue my fast until I do desire food. At least until I desire the correct kind of food. I don't want fruit and vegetables this time around. No. I want fried chicken, and cakes and chips - all the things that I feel I have been denying myself. All the things I think I'm missing out on. I don't quite know how to proceed today, as I usually do. I suppose I will continue in the path shown and trust that God will continue to help me pursue Him.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Day 15: Set your minds
A problem I've been having is knowing what scripture to read for that morning. Sometimes I go to the Psalms, sometimes something else comes into my head. This morning, I was turning to 1 John to read more on God's love and I opened to Colossians. Normally, I don't condone randomly flipping the bible open and reading what's there. Its not bad, you're still reading the word of God and all scripture is appropriate for sanctification, but its a little too irresponsible in my opinion for daily reading.
Today, I stopped on Colossians and read v. 1-4 of chapter 1. I was immediately hit with its message.
Practically, that means giving up my earthly dreams. My dreams of serving God and doing what he calls me to do are still valid, but my dreams of living in an old victorian mansion, of being married and having kids, of new furniture and TVs, of being famous according to man - all must be given up for the things of heaven.
Rarely do I do this, but I brought my Greek training into play and looked the Greek word translated, "set". It is from the Greek word froneo. (I can't get a Greek font in here.) It means to exercise the mind, to be disposed to think of, intensively to interest oneself in.
I can have hobbies and desires for earthly things, but they cannot be my obsession or my stronghold. I cannot escape to a movie when I could escape to the word of God. My earthly resources must be used to advance my heavenly calling. Only then will I be truly dead to myself and alive in Christ.
Today, I stopped on Colossians and read v. 1-4 of chapter 1. I was immediately hit with its message.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.What struck me was v. 2. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
Practically, that means giving up my earthly dreams. My dreams of serving God and doing what he calls me to do are still valid, but my dreams of living in an old victorian mansion, of being married and having kids, of new furniture and TVs, of being famous according to man - all must be given up for the things of heaven.
Rarely do I do this, but I brought my Greek training into play and looked the Greek word translated, "set". It is from the Greek word froneo. (I can't get a Greek font in here.) It means to exercise the mind, to be disposed to think of, intensively to interest oneself in.
I can have hobbies and desires for earthly things, but they cannot be my obsession or my stronghold. I cannot escape to a movie when I could escape to the word of God. My earthly resources must be used to advance my heavenly calling. Only then will I be truly dead to myself and alive in Christ.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Day 13 - Psalm 139:18 Update
Here's a good comentary on v 18 from a Puritan mind, although the connections still remain unexplained in my mind.
“When I awake, I am still with thee.” It is the great advantage of a Christian, which he has above other men, that he has his friends always about him, and (if the fault be not his own) need never to be absent from them. In the friendship and converse of the world, we use to say, “Friends must part,” and those who have delight and satisfaction in one another's society must be content to leave it, and to be taken off from it. But this is the privilege of a believer that undertakes communion with God, that it is possible for him always to be with him. Again, in human converse and society we know it is ordinary for friends to dream that they are in company with one another; but when they awake they are a great way off. But a Christian that converses with God, and has his thoughts fastened upon him, when he awakes he is still with him, which is that which is here exhibited to us in the example of the prophet David.
A godly soul should fall asleep in God's arms, like a child in the mother's lap; it should be sung and lulled to sleep with “songs of the night.” And this will make him the fitter for converse with God the next day after. This is the happiness of a Christian that is careful to lie down with God, that he finds his work still as he left it, and is in the same disposition when he rises as he was at night when he lay down to rest. As a man that winds up his watch over night, he finds it going the next morning; so is it also, as I may say, with a Christian that winds up his heart. This is a good observation to be remembered, especially in the evening afore the Sabbath.
- Thomas Horton, - 1673.
Day 13 - Psalm 139
I was meditating on Ps 139 tonight. Its part of a plan to realize how much God loves me and move into a closer relationship and intimacy with him. After today, I'm very emotional and I found myself asking a lot of questions about what it says. What I'd really like to expound on is what I see in the latter half of Ps 139.
Here comes the more intellectual part of my mind, I left my emotions at the door as I approached these verses. What confuses me a little about this psalm is the connection between v. 16 and 17. So far, David has basically had clean breaks between the sections but with thoughts make sense, he is listing God's attributes. So why does he suddenly go into v. 17 like that? V 17 comes right after talking about creation, God ordaining my days. Is there a connection between God's ordination of my life and his thoughts? Is what he wrote down in the book his thoughts? It seems unlikely. His thoughts are more important than that!
Perhaps David is praising God for his revelations up to verse 17. The meaning between the two sections is escaping me.
Also, v 18? When I awake, I am still with you. What on earth is that about? David is praising God and telling him that God's thoughts are too numerous, they are innumerable. Then he says this. What relationship does this have to the number of God's thoughts or the preciousness of God's thoughts. Could he be saying that despite God's numerous thoughts, God is still with me when I wake? That would be another proof of God's love as the rest of the psalm meditates on.
I'm still fuzzing on those two joinings. Where is the connection? What does it mean? If there is a lack of connection, why?
The lack of connection wouldn't make much sense, would it? David praises God for his thoughts, makes a disjointed statement and then goes into harping on God's enemies. I understand the lack of connection between the first part of the psalm and the last verses. David does this all the time. Its a natural outworking of his praise to the Lord. Anyone got any thoughts? I'm about to go consult some commentaries on the psalm but I wanted to get my thoughts down first.
I did finally buy an A.W. Tozer book today. I bought The Pursuit of God. It seemed appropriate for what I was doing. The next Tozer book on my list is Knowledge of the Holy. One of my profs in Seminary, Bruce Ware said that it changed his life when he was 19. I'm sure it won't necessarily change my life, but I'm looking forward to reading it.
Day 13 is coming to a close and its been a rough one. I had a major irritability and anxiety cycle today. I'm sure that had to do with the fast. I talked it out to my roommate and was able to keep my commitment to my 30 days. I did, however, go buy some carrot juice. It seems to be the most helpful. 8oz has 700% of my daily beta-carotine which is turned into Vitamin A which then used as an antioxidant.
We are also having some drama at our church in which people are not behaving with Christian character and it really bothers me. How anyone can disrespect 2 pastors, 3 deacons and even more fellow church members like that is beyond me. Pray for our church. We need God's will to be done.
That's it for today. Till tomorrow! Day 14! Woot!
Ps 139: 13-18Verses 13-16 are pretty self explanatory. We are made by God in God's image. Verse 16 has me asking how God can possibly love me that much? Knowing everything I would be, all my sin and all my mistakes, he still loved me enough to create me - in his image no less! Its one thing to be created. Its certainly another thing to be made in God's image. That's value right there!
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wondering,
I know that full well.
15 My fame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes say my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
Here comes the more intellectual part of my mind, I left my emotions at the door as I approached these verses. What confuses me a little about this psalm is the connection between v. 16 and 17. So far, David has basically had clean breaks between the sections but with thoughts make sense, he is listing God's attributes. So why does he suddenly go into v. 17 like that? V 17 comes right after talking about creation, God ordaining my days. Is there a connection between God's ordination of my life and his thoughts? Is what he wrote down in the book his thoughts? It seems unlikely. His thoughts are more important than that!
Perhaps David is praising God for his revelations up to verse 17. The meaning between the two sections is escaping me.
Also, v 18? When I awake, I am still with you. What on earth is that about? David is praising God and telling him that God's thoughts are too numerous, they are innumerable. Then he says this. What relationship does this have to the number of God's thoughts or the preciousness of God's thoughts. Could he be saying that despite God's numerous thoughts, God is still with me when I wake? That would be another proof of God's love as the rest of the psalm meditates on.
I'm still fuzzing on those two joinings. Where is the connection? What does it mean? If there is a lack of connection, why?
The lack of connection wouldn't make much sense, would it? David praises God for his thoughts, makes a disjointed statement and then goes into harping on God's enemies. I understand the lack of connection between the first part of the psalm and the last verses. David does this all the time. Its a natural outworking of his praise to the Lord. Anyone got any thoughts? I'm about to go consult some commentaries on the psalm but I wanted to get my thoughts down first.
I did finally buy an A.W. Tozer book today. I bought The Pursuit of God. It seemed appropriate for what I was doing. The next Tozer book on my list is Knowledge of the Holy. One of my profs in Seminary, Bruce Ware said that it changed his life when he was 19. I'm sure it won't necessarily change my life, but I'm looking forward to reading it.
Day 13 is coming to a close and its been a rough one. I had a major irritability and anxiety cycle today. I'm sure that had to do with the fast. I talked it out to my roommate and was able to keep my commitment to my 30 days. I did, however, go buy some carrot juice. It seems to be the most helpful. 8oz has 700% of my daily beta-carotine which is turned into Vitamin A which then used as an antioxidant.
We are also having some drama at our church in which people are not behaving with Christian character and it really bothers me. How anyone can disrespect 2 pastors, 3 deacons and even more fellow church members like that is beyond me. Pray for our church. We need God's will to be done.
That's it for today. Till tomorrow! Day 14! Woot!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Day 12
Wow! Day 12! THE JUICER IS HERE! I will soon be making my own orange, banana, pineapple juice. YUM!
Not much of an update. I was able to do a water fast only for Sunday and most of Monday. I have had 8oz of apple/raspberry juice today as I felt dizzy this morning. Other than being a little more crabby than usual, I'm good.
They did have BBQ today at work! Oh how I LOVE Bootleg BBQ! They had pork chops and stuffing and green beans and biscuits! This is where my feeling of missing out comes into play. But I have to realize that having Bootleg today would not have changed my life nor would it have affected eternity. It did smell good!
Good News on the kitchen! It is painted, the cupboards are up except for one that we got the wrong size. The flooring is in stock ready to pick up! (Was supposed to take 7 days!) So the floor should go in Mon/Tues of next week. The pantry is finished so we're moving all the stuff from the living back into the pantry! Woot! Lots of progress. After the floors go in, the appliances go in, then the furniture comes in! Then we're done and we have our kitchen back! Oh Praise the Lord! Its been tough living w/ no sink in the kitchen.
All for now!
Not much of an update. I was able to do a water fast only for Sunday and most of Monday. I have had 8oz of apple/raspberry juice today as I felt dizzy this morning. Other than being a little more crabby than usual, I'm good.
They did have BBQ today at work! Oh how I LOVE Bootleg BBQ! They had pork chops and stuffing and green beans and biscuits! This is where my feeling of missing out comes into play. But I have to realize that having Bootleg today would not have changed my life nor would it have affected eternity. It did smell good!
Good News on the kitchen! It is painted, the cupboards are up except for one that we got the wrong size. The flooring is in stock ready to pick up! (Was supposed to take 7 days!) So the floor should go in Mon/Tues of next week. The pantry is finished so we're moving all the stuff from the living back into the pantry! Woot! Lots of progress. After the floors go in, the appliances go in, then the furniture comes in! Then we're done and we have our kitchen back! Oh Praise the Lord! Its been tough living w/ no sink in the kitchen.
All for now!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Day 10
I have been tempted this weekend to break my fast completely much earlier than planned. My life is busy and it seems that everything centers around food. I struggle with the psychological hunger more than the physical. I struggle with the feeling of "missing out" as if I'll never be able to have that food in the future. We went to a new mexican restaurant yesterday w/ friends and I fed the baby while everyone else ate. They raved about the food and I felt as if I had to try some now because we would never be back there again. My question to myself is, so what? What if we never go back there? Will having that certain salsa or the certain quesadilla really alter my existance? I can do without and still live a long and happy life.
The other factor in my wanting to break my fast early is pressure. I've had several people call what I'm doing "starvation". And so far I've smiled and nodded and not mentioned the fact that the body was created to be able to do what I'm doing (some people on this planet actually eat more than they have to in the summer to build up fat reserves for the winter when food is scarce. We North Americans eat more than we should all the time and then expect a pill to get rid of it.). Another person at church yesterday, who meant well, came up to me and said I was pale and cold and that it was time to eat. I knew she meant well, but do people realize that perhaps God has called me to this time of self-denial? My health is fine. I've regained my strength after 2 days on juices and yesterday was able to continue in my water fast. This task is hard enough without people chipping away at my resolve. It was very frustrating.
As I was driving home last night I realized that I wanted to break my fast because I was setting my mind on earthly things. That new mexican restaurant and the food there has no eternal consequence. I am setting the events of this earth above the events of God.
This morning, I was led to the temptations of Jesus. Jesus' reply in Matt 4:4 seems to sum up what I must say to these people, "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." My body is not living on bread right now. It is living on the strength of God.
I've had to ask myself this weekend if I need to reevaluate what I'm doing. And I did reevaluate what I'm doing. Result: The spiritual benefits of this past week already outweigh the frustration and discomfort. In asking the Lord if I'm supposed to continue in this fast, the answer is yes. I have plenty of juices stocked up in case I need them but I am going to go back to water only and see what happens. I need to tear down my idols and "Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only." My flesh is an idol. What people think of me is an idol. Comfort in this world is an idol. All these things stand between me and a closer relationship with God and a fulfillment of what God wants me to do in this life. All stand in the way of being an effective missionary. All stand in the way of me showing the lost my Lord and Savior.
Random thought that also tends to annoy me. It is impossible to keep this fast under the radar. I don't go around proclaiming that I'm fasting. Scripture instructs us to do so in the sight of God and not lay around in "ashes and sackcloth". I've realized that, good gracious, everything is about food! I couldn't talk to anyone yesterday without them asking about lunch and I quietly tried to bow out simply stating that I wasn't going and then people want to know why and then...you get the drift. Then people who know announce it to other people. Instead of letting me state at the restaurant that I was not eating (I went to fellowship with friends who I hadn't spent a lot of time with recently), a friend announced to the waiter that I was fasting and would not be ordering. ::sigh:: I'm trying not to be proud about this but it seems like that another battle I'll have to fight. I'm not doing this for the attention, believe me. I'm very happy keeping my head down and not having random people come up to me and tell me to eat. I suppose this blog is about as public as I like and even then, I know very few read it.
I must confess that this weekend, apart from what the Lord showed me last night, was a flop. I didn't spend any time with him on Sat (I just can't get into that groove) and little to no extra time yesterday outside of church. I am emotionally strained and stressed this morning. Spiritual struggles, coupled with hurts, offenses, barbs and jabs from other events over the weekend, coupled with the fast have me in need of a day off to just sit and talk to no one. Alas, I don't live in a world where that is possible.
Quick physical update: Friday and Sat I had juices. One bottle I bought had dehydrated stuff in it so I believe it awoke my digestive system but that seems to have quieted down again. I am back on water today and I'll see how it goes. I think my body is out of acidosis, but I could be wrong. The lack of fatigue might just be the nutrients in the juices. I am down 35lbs from where I was at Christmas. That leaves me with 30lbs to go in order to reach my health goal for mission work and a total of 45lbs to reach my ultimate weight loss goal. Woot! God is good! I hope that I won't lose a lot more weight on this fast (I know I will) because I want to lose most of my weight through lifestyle change so that I don't gain it back. I would be lying if I didn't admit that the weight loss is another perk of continuing the fast. Yet I don't want to get too wrapped up in it for this is effortless weight loss. Its what the world calls an "easy fix" to my weight problem. I need a real fix, not an easy one. Controlling my diet after my detox fast in Jan proved to be much easier than before so I'm hoping that after this fast my control over what I eat will be even better.
Ok, now that my book is complete, I will bid everyone adieu.
The other factor in my wanting to break my fast early is pressure. I've had several people call what I'm doing "starvation". And so far I've smiled and nodded and not mentioned the fact that the body was created to be able to do what I'm doing (some people on this planet actually eat more than they have to in the summer to build up fat reserves for the winter when food is scarce. We North Americans eat more than we should all the time and then expect a pill to get rid of it.). Another person at church yesterday, who meant well, came up to me and said I was pale and cold and that it was time to eat. I knew she meant well, but do people realize that perhaps God has called me to this time of self-denial? My health is fine. I've regained my strength after 2 days on juices and yesterday was able to continue in my water fast. This task is hard enough without people chipping away at my resolve. It was very frustrating.
As I was driving home last night I realized that I wanted to break my fast because I was setting my mind on earthly things. That new mexican restaurant and the food there has no eternal consequence. I am setting the events of this earth above the events of God.
This morning, I was led to the temptations of Jesus. Jesus' reply in Matt 4:4 seems to sum up what I must say to these people, "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." My body is not living on bread right now. It is living on the strength of God.
I've had to ask myself this weekend if I need to reevaluate what I'm doing. And I did reevaluate what I'm doing. Result: The spiritual benefits of this past week already outweigh the frustration and discomfort. In asking the Lord if I'm supposed to continue in this fast, the answer is yes. I have plenty of juices stocked up in case I need them but I am going to go back to water only and see what happens. I need to tear down my idols and "Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only." My flesh is an idol. What people think of me is an idol. Comfort in this world is an idol. All these things stand between me and a closer relationship with God and a fulfillment of what God wants me to do in this life. All stand in the way of being an effective missionary. All stand in the way of me showing the lost my Lord and Savior.
Random thought that also tends to annoy me. It is impossible to keep this fast under the radar. I don't go around proclaiming that I'm fasting. Scripture instructs us to do so in the sight of God and not lay around in "ashes and sackcloth". I've realized that, good gracious, everything is about food! I couldn't talk to anyone yesterday without them asking about lunch and I quietly tried to bow out simply stating that I wasn't going and then people want to know why and then...you get the drift. Then people who know announce it to other people. Instead of letting me state at the restaurant that I was not eating (I went to fellowship with friends who I hadn't spent a lot of time with recently), a friend announced to the waiter that I was fasting and would not be ordering. ::sigh:: I'm trying not to be proud about this but it seems like that another battle I'll have to fight. I'm not doing this for the attention, believe me. I'm very happy keeping my head down and not having random people come up to me and tell me to eat. I suppose this blog is about as public as I like and even then, I know very few read it.
I must confess that this weekend, apart from what the Lord showed me last night, was a flop. I didn't spend any time with him on Sat (I just can't get into that groove) and little to no extra time yesterday outside of church. I am emotionally strained and stressed this morning. Spiritual struggles, coupled with hurts, offenses, barbs and jabs from other events over the weekend, coupled with the fast have me in need of a day off to just sit and talk to no one. Alas, I don't live in a world where that is possible.
Quick physical update: Friday and Sat I had juices. One bottle I bought had dehydrated stuff in it so I believe it awoke my digestive system but that seems to have quieted down again. I am back on water today and I'll see how it goes. I think my body is out of acidosis, but I could be wrong. The lack of fatigue might just be the nutrients in the juices. I am down 35lbs from where I was at Christmas. That leaves me with 30lbs to go in order to reach my health goal for mission work and a total of 45lbs to reach my ultimate weight loss goal. Woot! God is good! I hope that I won't lose a lot more weight on this fast (I know I will) because I want to lose most of my weight through lifestyle change so that I don't gain it back. I would be lying if I didn't admit that the weight loss is another perk of continuing the fast. Yet I don't want to get too wrapped up in it for this is effortless weight loss. Its what the world calls an "easy fix" to my weight problem. I need a real fix, not an easy one. Controlling my diet after my detox fast in Jan proved to be much easier than before so I'm hoping that after this fast my control over what I eat will be even better.
Ok, now that my book is complete, I will bid everyone adieu.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Day 7 : Update
Ok, so I feel like a complete and absolute failure - I drank some tomato juice for dinner. I just cannot cope with the low energy levels. I've been making mistakes at work (which I think my boss didn't notice because I got an excellent review and a raise today! PRAISE THE LORD!) and I need to be able to do my job for the glory of God. I can't do that now. I can barely make it up our stairs to the apartment or walk around the warehouse at work to check the doors. I'm hoping that the juice will also settle my stomach down. My roommate says I should just make myself throw up once to get all the crap out of it, but I hate throwing up with a vengence. All this may just be justification for the fact that I love my flesh, but for now I believe there enough good reasons to switch to juices for now.
So the second colon cleaning round went well. The technician (who owns the place) talked my head off and I didn't have any nervous energy this time to talk back. She did make an interesting comment about the left side of my body being my gentle side. She also said that I bottle up emotions and don't talk about things. Uh...BINGO! She got that one right.
Welp, besides the juice, I wanted to give everyone some of my thoughts on Ps 49.
Let's just start with what I've written down:
Ps 49:7
Application for me: I cannot save people. It is only by the power of God. Prayer is my weapon. I must earnestly pray for people. Then I must share the gospel with them when I have the opportunity.
Ps 49 is reminiscent of Ecclesiastes. Life is futile outside of the pursuit of God. v 20 "A man who has riches without understanding is like the beast that perishes." Isn't this the same conclusion that Solomon comes to?
v 15 is our hope. "But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself."
v 19 struck me as something to meditate on when considering the lost. "He will join the generation of his father, who will never see the light of life."
Never see the light of life. Jesus said that he was the way, the truth and the life - no one comes to the Father except through him. It saddens me to think of those who will follow their fathers in their futile attempts to save themselves. This should be motivation for me to daily seek to share the gospel.
Lord, give me a passion for those who will not see your light. When I see them, make my heart yearn to pray for them and then share with them.
This Psalm was full of so many things. The Lord truly opened my eyes to his word this morning and I am grateful.
Tomorrow, I will be attempting to rebuild my energy and muscles with some tomato and mixed veggie juices bought at Whole Foods. 2/$5! :) I hope to be back on water eventually, but if not, I will at least be going back to water during Holy Week.
So the second colon cleaning round went well. The technician (who owns the place) talked my head off and I didn't have any nervous energy this time to talk back. She did make an interesting comment about the left side of my body being my gentle side. She also said that I bottle up emotions and don't talk about things. Uh...BINGO! She got that one right.
Welp, besides the juice, I wanted to give everyone some of my thoughts on Ps 49.
Let's just start with what I've written down:
Ps 49:7
No man can redeem the life of another or give God a ransom for him - the ransom for a life is costly, no payment is ever enough - that he should live on forever and not see decay.(Note: the last part reminds me of Christ and how prophecy said [maybe in this verse, maybe from another verse] that he would never see decay. How much do I thank Christ for paying what Ps 49 says cannot be bought with payment? Praise the Lord for Christ's sacrifice and my salvation!) From my commentary (NIV) they added, "There is no way for a person to buy eternal life with God. God alone can redeem a soul."
Application for me: I cannot save people. It is only by the power of God. Prayer is my weapon. I must earnestly pray for people. Then I must share the gospel with them when I have the opportunity.
Ps 49 is reminiscent of Ecclesiastes. Life is futile outside of the pursuit of God. v 20 "A man who has riches without understanding is like the beast that perishes." Isn't this the same conclusion that Solomon comes to?
v 15 is our hope. "But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself."
v 19 struck me as something to meditate on when considering the lost. "He will join the generation of his father, who will never see the light of life."
Never see the light of life. Jesus said that he was the way, the truth and the life - no one comes to the Father except through him. It saddens me to think of those who will follow their fathers in their futile attempts to save themselves. This should be motivation for me to daily seek to share the gospel.
Lord, give me a passion for those who will not see your light. When I see them, make my heart yearn to pray for them and then share with them.
This Psalm was full of so many things. The Lord truly opened my eyes to his word this morning and I am grateful.
Tomorrow, I will be attempting to rebuild my energy and muscles with some tomato and mixed veggie juices bought at Whole Foods. 2/$5! :) I hope to be back on water eventually, but if not, I will at least be going back to water during Holy Week.
Day 7: Torn down, to be built up.
Yesterday was a bit of a spiritual flop, but today has been so enriching, so blessing! The Lord has opened his word to me and it is refreshing! I meditated on Ps 49 (perhaps my thoughts will come later) and then I thought about what I was going to write. I decided that those thoughts and insights were given to me by the Lord and that I should ask him what he would like me to write. But why do I do this? Why do I give millions of people access to my personal, physical and spiritual life? Is it for my own glory or for the glory of the One who is working in me?Then it hit me. 2009 was a dark spiritual year. 2010 seems to be gaining momentum and I rejoice in God's grace. I've asked God the question, "Why?" so many times and I've never gotten an answer. I've thought hard about my role in my fall and what I did and how I can change, but I've never gotten an answer to the purpose behind it. I asked the rhetorical question on day one: is being made aware of my sin growth?
I am here to answer that today: Yes.
Why did God tear me down for an entire year only to build me back up?
Answer? For His Glory alone. When I gained victory in the past, who did I attribute that victory to? Did I do it in my own strength? Who did I give glory to? Now that I have been torn down to see exactly what kind of person I am and how the only way I gain any victory over sin in this life is through the Holy Spirit, to whom will attribute praise? I cannot praise myself for I know what kind of creature I am. I know what I am like apart from the grace of God.
Perhaps now that I am gaining some ground in my walk with Christ, I can attribute it all to him. Its all grace.
I pray that as I continue to post on this blog and continue to share my experiences that no one will think I do this to toot my own horn. I do this to encourage others and to glean new thoughts for myself. Journaling is a spiritual discipline that allows the Christian to go back and look at what God has brought them through, to remember what they've been taught and to gain new insight on old experiences. I have a private journal, but the main thoughts I'd like to share with you. Hopefully, I'll get my Ps 49 thoughts posted. Read it. Its not what you'd expect from a Psalm. It has the tone of Ecclesiastes. Meditate on it and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it as I prepare my own.
Physically: This is going to sound off, but I went and had a colonic irrigation yesterday. Let me tell you, it was an odd experience but soooo worth it. The entire lower half of my body is now free of what it couldn't get rid of! I'm going in today to finish the cleaning. I cannot explain the difference it has made and the general junk that I got rid of, some of it perhaps was very old and blocking my intestinal track for awhile!
I have the general sense of myself back. I "feel" good. I have energy but my muscles are weak. Taking a shower this morning required me to sit on the toilet afterward and rest, then move into my bedroom and lay down for 10 minutes. I am going to try to at least make it through the 2nd week without juices, but honestly - if this fatigue keeps up, I'll have to switch to juices. I'm thinking mainly tomato and carrot juice. They are high in vitamins and minerals and yet low on calories. The fruit juices will give my body too many calories to work with and I want my body to continue through my fat layers and detox those.
I had a detox cycle last night that made me toss and turn. Mainly I had to curl up in a ball on one side and fall back asleep then turn over and do the same. It wasn't as bad as those I experienced during my 10 day fast.
All in all, though (besides water still upsetting my stomach) I feel better, I can breath better and I'm losing more weight. Praise the Lord! I'm hoping for an opportunity to let the colonic lady know that I'm a Christian. She talks, talks, talks so hopefully I can get a little of the gospel in.
One more thing: I am amazed at how God created the body! He made everything related and if one thing isn't working right, other things don't work right. I praise him that he has allowed holistic remedies so that I don't have to simply treat the symptoms, I can get at the base of the problem! I'm not pushing for everyone in the world to be whole foods, holistic. No, I am encouraging all of North America to give up their fast food, processed diets and go back to the foods that God created. It has made a world of difference in my life and without the cravings for the processed foods, I ENJOY what God has created even more. I found out before this fast started that I am in love with tomatoes and blueberries! Who knew!
Hopefully more to come!
I am here to answer that today: Yes.
Why did God tear me down for an entire year only to build me back up?
Answer? For His Glory alone. When I gained victory in the past, who did I attribute that victory to? Did I do it in my own strength? Who did I give glory to? Now that I have been torn down to see exactly what kind of person I am and how the only way I gain any victory over sin in this life is through the Holy Spirit, to whom will attribute praise? I cannot praise myself for I know what kind of creature I am. I know what I am like apart from the grace of God.
Perhaps now that I am gaining some ground in my walk with Christ, I can attribute it all to him. Its all grace.
I pray that as I continue to post on this blog and continue to share my experiences that no one will think I do this to toot my own horn. I do this to encourage others and to glean new thoughts for myself. Journaling is a spiritual discipline that allows the Christian to go back and look at what God has brought them through, to remember what they've been taught and to gain new insight on old experiences. I have a private journal, but the main thoughts I'd like to share with you. Hopefully, I'll get my Ps 49 thoughts posted. Read it. Its not what you'd expect from a Psalm. It has the tone of Ecclesiastes. Meditate on it and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it as I prepare my own.
Physically: This is going to sound off, but I went and had a colonic irrigation yesterday. Let me tell you, it was an odd experience but soooo worth it. The entire lower half of my body is now free of what it couldn't get rid of! I'm going in today to finish the cleaning. I cannot explain the difference it has made and the general junk that I got rid of, some of it perhaps was very old and blocking my intestinal track for awhile!
I have the general sense of myself back. I "feel" good. I have energy but my muscles are weak. Taking a shower this morning required me to sit on the toilet afterward and rest, then move into my bedroom and lay down for 10 minutes. I am going to try to at least make it through the 2nd week without juices, but honestly - if this fatigue keeps up, I'll have to switch to juices. I'm thinking mainly tomato and carrot juice. They are high in vitamins and minerals and yet low on calories. The fruit juices will give my body too many calories to work with and I want my body to continue through my fat layers and detox those.
I had a detox cycle last night that made me toss and turn. Mainly I had to curl up in a ball on one side and fall back asleep then turn over and do the same. It wasn't as bad as those I experienced during my 10 day fast.
All in all, though (besides water still upsetting my stomach) I feel better, I can breath better and I'm losing more weight. Praise the Lord! I'm hoping for an opportunity to let the colonic lady know that I'm a Christian. She talks, talks, talks so hopefully I can get a little of the gospel in.
One more thing: I am amazed at how God created the body! He made everything related and if one thing isn't working right, other things don't work right. I praise him that he has allowed holistic remedies so that I don't have to simply treat the symptoms, I can get at the base of the problem! I'm not pushing for everyone in the world to be whole foods, holistic. No, I am encouraging all of North America to give up their fast food, processed diets and go back to the foods that God created. It has made a world of difference in my life and without the cravings for the processed foods, I ENJOY what God has created even more. I found out before this fast started that I am in love with tomatoes and blueberries! Who knew!
Hopefully more to come!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Day 5
Wow. I can't believe its been 5 days!
Physically, I slept well last night - almost 12 hours! It just felt so good to be in the laying position.
I have still been having stomach problems. Drinking water only infuriates my stomach. I think it is caused by a blockage in my bowels and the bile coming from the liver and other organs is getting backed up into my stomach. That's at least what all the online books are saying. So I'm going to the Dr. tomorrow/Thurs to get that taken care of.
I have had no headaches today and my sinuses are clear! PRAISE THE LORD!
Weakness and back pain have been an issue. I believe these are due to colon function (lower back pain) and acidosis (general fatigue). My weight this morning was down 11.4lbs since I weighed on Sat. I don't know if that's accurate but I can fit into my skinny jeans (direct from the dryer!). I will be taking pictures tonight for friends and family to document my weight loss - no I will not be posting them.
Emotionally, I am doing great.
Spiritually, I have decided to focus on sharing the gospel. I've started through a Two Ways to Live witnessing guide. It basically helps you share the gospel w/o the words getting in the way. You can still personalize it to the person you're talking to, but there are pictures and verses that help explain what you're talking about. I have decided that this year is about getting back on track to go to the mission field. I have been sitting around waiting for God to do something and move me. Well, it looks like I just needed to move myself in the direction that God had already shown me. Wow, this fasting stuff certainly opens your eyes. I've been waiting for God to do it all and I haven't realized that he's already set the standard for me. I just needed to cooperate with the Holy Spirit. How incredibly foolish I've been! I guess I have something new to repent of.
I have found prayer to be the hardest thing. I don't know if its lack of motivation to pray correctly. Its been the biggest struggle I've had in my Christian walk ever since my salvation. I'm a horrible prayer. Perhaps I can work on that next. I need to make myself care enough about the world and people around me to pray for them. I have to believe in the power of prayer!
Physically, I slept well last night - almost 12 hours! It just felt so good to be in the laying position.
I have still been having stomach problems. Drinking water only infuriates my stomach. I think it is caused by a blockage in my bowels and the bile coming from the liver and other organs is getting backed up into my stomach. That's at least what all the online books are saying. So I'm going to the Dr. tomorrow/Thurs to get that taken care of.
I have had no headaches today and my sinuses are clear! PRAISE THE LORD!
Weakness and back pain have been an issue. I believe these are due to colon function (lower back pain) and acidosis (general fatigue). My weight this morning was down 11.4lbs since I weighed on Sat. I don't know if that's accurate but I can fit into my skinny jeans (direct from the dryer!). I will be taking pictures tonight for friends and family to document my weight loss - no I will not be posting them.
Emotionally, I am doing great.
Spiritually, I have decided to focus on sharing the gospel. I've started through a Two Ways to Live witnessing guide. It basically helps you share the gospel w/o the words getting in the way. You can still personalize it to the person you're talking to, but there are pictures and verses that help explain what you're talking about. I have decided that this year is about getting back on track to go to the mission field. I have been sitting around waiting for God to do something and move me. Well, it looks like I just needed to move myself in the direction that God had already shown me. Wow, this fasting stuff certainly opens your eyes. I've been waiting for God to do it all and I haven't realized that he's already set the standard for me. I just needed to cooperate with the Holy Spirit. How incredibly foolish I've been! I guess I have something new to repent of.
I have found prayer to be the hardest thing. I don't know if its lack of motivation to pray correctly. Its been the biggest struggle I've had in my Christian walk ever since my salvation. I'm a horrible prayer. Perhaps I can work on that next. I need to make myself care enough about the world and people around me to pray for them. I have to believe in the power of prayer!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Day 4? Technically Day 3.5?
Ok, so here's where I start to whine.
I slept horribly last night and I woke up feeling worse. The past 2 days have been a cinch comfort-wise. Hunger, but I can deal with that.
Today I feel sore, achy, cold (its snowing 4-6"), tired (working 12 hours today), headache, sinus pain - the whole nine yards. My roommate, who is also fasting with me, feels the same. She has more nausea. So water already tastes nasty but I read somewhere today that if your body doesn't crave water, don't drink it. You can force yourself and it won't hurt you, but it won't help either.
I don't think that I'm in as severe acidosis as I was during my last fast, which is nice. This is all detox. I fasted for 10 days and my body still has to detox itself. How much crap did I have in my body? About 27 years worth! :)
So, needless to say, spiritually this morning was not very good. I had a great day yesterday spiritually and I also found out that I may be able to go to Russia for 4 months! How cool would that be? Spend 4 months studying Russian, making Russian friends, sharing the gospel, teaching ESL classes, working alongside missionaries I already love, etc. I think it sounds like blast! Just another hint that I am indeed called to the mission field overseas. (This is one reason why I couldn't fall asleep last night, the other was most likely my 2+ hour nap yesterday afternoon.)
There are alot of issues that would have to be worked out financially and spiritually if I were to go. Its up to the Lord. I am praying about it and have enlisted some friends and mentors to pray as well.
That's all for today. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and I'll be able to go home at 6! Good Lord willing!
I slept horribly last night and I woke up feeling worse. The past 2 days have been a cinch comfort-wise. Hunger, but I can deal with that.
Today I feel sore, achy, cold (its snowing 4-6"), tired (working 12 hours today), headache, sinus pain - the whole nine yards. My roommate, who is also fasting with me, feels the same. She has more nausea. So water already tastes nasty but I read somewhere today that if your body doesn't crave water, don't drink it. You can force yourself and it won't hurt you, but it won't help either.
I don't think that I'm in as severe acidosis as I was during my last fast, which is nice. This is all detox. I fasted for 10 days and my body still has to detox itself. How much crap did I have in my body? About 27 years worth! :)
So, needless to say, spiritually this morning was not very good. I had a great day yesterday spiritually and I also found out that I may be able to go to Russia for 4 months! How cool would that be? Spend 4 months studying Russian, making Russian friends, sharing the gospel, teaching ESL classes, working alongside missionaries I already love, etc. I think it sounds like blast! Just another hint that I am indeed called to the mission field overseas. (This is one reason why I couldn't fall asleep last night, the other was most likely my 2+ hour nap yesterday afternoon.)
There are alot of issues that would have to be worked out financially and spiritually if I were to go. Its up to the Lord. I am praying about it and have enlisted some friends and mentors to pray as well.
That's all for today. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and I'll be able to go home at 6! Good Lord willing!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Day 3
Today has been a good day. Slight headache, slight weakness - but that's all.
Spiritually, today has been better:
After church this morning as I was driving home, I realized that I don't really spend very much time with the Lord on "Lord's Day". This is a grievous oversight. I've always been the habitual: go to church, eat lunch w/ friends, go home and relax, go back to church, eat dinner w/ friends, go home and relax/rest more. I've never even thought of using the time I have on Sundays to spend more time with the Lord. How dense can I be?
I decided that today should be different. The problem I've encountered is that its been so long since God and I were close that I don't know what to say to him. Consider it like this: you and an old friend were really close, you had a lot of good times and a great deal of deep discussion that changed you. Then you don't really talk to that person for a year, you don't really discuss anything, you just mainly show up and go through the motions. How is that first real conversation back going to go?
I asked God what I should say to him and the idea of reading a psalm came into my head. Its been said that the Psalms are there to let us know what to say to God. They are praises to him from him. I find it ingenious of him really. I'm a sinner with no concept of the holiness of God. Without direction, where do we turn?
So I flipped on over to the Psalm for today, which since I've been trying to read one a day since Jan 1, means I'm on Ps 45. It didn't really give me much to say. So I added 30 days to it and flipped over to another, Ps 75. That didn't do much either. So I prayed some more asking God what on earth I should say. Then my eye caught Ps 77:1-12
I am so grateful that the Lord has shown this to me. It didn't take fasting to discover this. It only took quieting of my desire to escape and perhaps the mindset of self-denial necessary in fasting to reveal it. He has still been faithful. His love is ever drawing me back to him.
I renewed my desire to be what he has called me to be and I am asking him to show me how to repent of all this. Shame and realization will only get you so far. I desire to change. I no longer want to be on the path that I'm on. I want to be what God has called me to be.
What has he called me to be?
For sure, he's called me to be a Christian. That means that I am his witness. He has done so much for me and it is my job to take his gospel to the world - the good news that we can be saved from our sins.
I believe he's called me into cross-cultural ministry. A "missionary" as we call it today. Where and when, I do not know. But I do know that there are requirements that must be met before I can be one. I must have a passion for telling others the good news. I must always be looking for opportunities to tell people what Jesus has done in my life and ask them if they'd like to know more about him.
I've been thinking about whether or not he's called me to work with a certain people group right here where I am. I have a passion for a certain people group and I've found no ministry to them in my city. Perhaps God is calling me to start something. I don't feel up for the challenge. But if he calls me, he will equip me. I will be praying about this a great deal until Easter. It is something that I can do now while I'm waiting for the Lord to move me where he wants me to be. Paul didn't sit in Antioch for all those years and wait for God to lead him. No. He ministered where he was. It is my desire to do the same.
It is now time to rest.
Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation.
O my soul, praise him! For he is thy health and salvation!
Spiritually, today has been better:
After church this morning as I was driving home, I realized that I don't really spend very much time with the Lord on "Lord's Day". This is a grievous oversight. I've always been the habitual: go to church, eat lunch w/ friends, go home and relax, go back to church, eat dinner w/ friends, go home and relax/rest more. I've never even thought of using the time I have on Sundays to spend more time with the Lord. How dense can I be?
I decided that today should be different. The problem I've encountered is that its been so long since God and I were close that I don't know what to say to him. Consider it like this: you and an old friend were really close, you had a lot of good times and a great deal of deep discussion that changed you. Then you don't really talk to that person for a year, you don't really discuss anything, you just mainly show up and go through the motions. How is that first real conversation back going to go?
I asked God what I should say to him and the idea of reading a psalm came into my head. Its been said that the Psalms are there to let us know what to say to God. They are praises to him from him. I find it ingenious of him really. I'm a sinner with no concept of the holiness of God. Without direction, where do we turn?
So I flipped on over to the Psalm for today, which since I've been trying to read one a day since Jan 1, means I'm on Ps 45. It didn't really give me much to say. So I added 30 days to it and flipped over to another, Ps 75. That didn't do much either. So I prayed some more asking God what on earth I should say. Then my eye caught Ps 77:1-12
I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.
I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night, My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
"Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High." I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your might deeds.I knew what I was to say. I started with my salvation and traced God's hand through my life these past 8 years. I thanked him for everything he had done and meditated on that. And I came to the point where I found that I left God. I think that at a certain point, I took what he called me to be and I ran with it. I set in motion a plan that I thought was God's. Perhaps it was, most of it he has led me to and through. But then that plan ended. I came to the end of my human knowledge of the future. And I stopped. It happened slowly, but I stopped going to Seminary. I stopped being diligent. I stopped studying his word. I started down the road of escapism that has lead me where I am today. Instead of taking my uncomfortable feelings about where I was going and what was happening to the Lord, I pushed them aside and didn't deal with them. Now I find that there is so much nonsense in my head that when I try to get alone with him, all I hear is noise.
I am so grateful that the Lord has shown this to me. It didn't take fasting to discover this. It only took quieting of my desire to escape and perhaps the mindset of self-denial necessary in fasting to reveal it. He has still been faithful. His love is ever drawing me back to him.
I renewed my desire to be what he has called me to be and I am asking him to show me how to repent of all this. Shame and realization will only get you so far. I desire to change. I no longer want to be on the path that I'm on. I want to be what God has called me to be.
What has he called me to be?
For sure, he's called me to be a Christian. That means that I am his witness. He has done so much for me and it is my job to take his gospel to the world - the good news that we can be saved from our sins.
I believe he's called me into cross-cultural ministry. A "missionary" as we call it today. Where and when, I do not know. But I do know that there are requirements that must be met before I can be one. I must have a passion for telling others the good news. I must always be looking for opportunities to tell people what Jesus has done in my life and ask them if they'd like to know more about him.
I've been thinking about whether or not he's called me to work with a certain people group right here where I am. I have a passion for a certain people group and I've found no ministry to them in my city. Perhaps God is calling me to start something. I don't feel up for the challenge. But if he calls me, he will equip me. I will be praying about this a great deal until Easter. It is something that I can do now while I'm waiting for the Lord to move me where he wants me to be. Paul didn't sit in Antioch for all those years and wait for God to lead him. No. He ministered where he was. It is my desire to do the same.
It is now time to rest.
Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation.
O my soul, praise him! For he is thy health and salvation!
Day 2
Yesterday was a fail spiritually. I didn't have any time with the Lord, let alone extra time.
Physically it was amazing. My roommate and I went to Ikea to get cabinets for the new kitchen. Well, after an hour and a half of loading/unloading the car trying to get everything in, we finally got it done. I had plenty of energy. Wasn't too hungry.
Craving food is all psychological. Just because they have killer cinnamon rolls there does not mean that I need to buy them and eat them. I can make cinnamon rolls that are just as killer, perhaps better than theirs. Its on my list of things to make once I start eating normally.
Physically it was amazing. My roommate and I went to Ikea to get cabinets for the new kitchen. Well, after an hour and a half of loading/unloading the car trying to get everything in, we finally got it done. I had plenty of energy. Wasn't too hungry.
Craving food is all psychological. Just because they have killer cinnamon rolls there does not mean that I need to buy them and eat them. I can make cinnamon rolls that are just as killer, perhaps better than theirs. Its on my list of things to make once I start eating normally.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Day One: Update
I've been fasting for about 5 hours now and already the psychological warfare of "I need to eat that in order to not miss out...or I need to eat that because its there" has begun. My body hasn't even entered the "hey, give me food!" stage yet. ::le sigh:: This might be harder than I thought.
Day One: A Call to Die
My fast begins today after my brunch meeting with a friend.
I have found myself asking God this morning whether this is His will or not. A disastrous thing in the Christian life is to decide what you're going to do and then ask God to bless it. It is so important to be doing what He wants you to be doing. Then He will bless is because it is His will. I have been wondering whether this is His will. I have decided that I believe it is. Communication has been scarce the past week so I'm taking it on faith that God will let me know if this isn't what I should be doing.
I am excited about what could happen during this time of self-denial and spiritual focus. I am also scared that I will miss the entire point of the exercise, caught up in the health benefits and lose sight of the God I'm longing to get closer to.
It seems as I have approached this period that I had decided on during my first 10 day fast that my spiritual struggle has increased. I see myself as a useless sinner whom God cannot change and I know that is false. There is now no condemnation for those who are Christ Jesus...And so God condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live by the sinful nature but by the Spirit. (Rom 8:1, 4) If we confess our sins He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9) I must remember that God does not call the worthy, he makes worthy the called. I was called to do God's will before the foundation of time. For some odd reason, God chose me to be His child. I suppose that if I could summarize what I've been learning recently is that it is all grace. My grace is sufficient for you. I pray that it is true because I doubt it.
Can you call "learning how sinful you are and how much you don't deserve forgiveness" spiritual growth? I don't know.
Elisabeth Elliot entitled Amy Carmichael's biography A Call to Die. I pray that this is what I will be doing for the next 40 some days. Dying to myself.
For those of you who are wondering why I'm not starting on Ash Wednesday, the answer is simple: practicality. The first three days of fasting are the most difficult and uncomfortable. Hence, I'll give my body a jump start while sleeping tonight and then Sat and Sun can be adjusted to how I'm feeling. Monday, however, has me working a 12 hour shift. I wanted to be responsible to my job and working during the chaos of detox is a struggle. So the fast starts today at noon. It will end at noon on March 14th. 30 days is my goal. If I must for energy purposes (I struggled with energy last time) I will be drinking juices. But I'm going to try to go the full 40 days without actual food. After the 30 day period, I may add some raw fruits/veggies back in for a week, but Holy week will be back to water. Easter will break my fast and I will begin to gradually start reintroducing foods. By the end of April, I should be back to a normal human, balanced diet.
Most people are thinking that I'm crazy. I may be, but it is going to take something drastic to make my flesh shut up and allow God to speak. If I must do this in order to hear what God has to say to me, then I will do it. I will no longer be controlled by my desires or by this world. They will perish by fire. I must fear the one who can destroy both body and soul. If I must be called a radical, fanatic, crazy lunatic then so be it. I'm sure Jesus' 40 day fast in the desert wasn't popular.
I have found myself asking God this morning whether this is His will or not. A disastrous thing in the Christian life is to decide what you're going to do and then ask God to bless it. It is so important to be doing what He wants you to be doing. Then He will bless is because it is His will. I have been wondering whether this is His will. I have decided that I believe it is. Communication has been scarce the past week so I'm taking it on faith that God will let me know if this isn't what I should be doing.
I am excited about what could happen during this time of self-denial and spiritual focus. I am also scared that I will miss the entire point of the exercise, caught up in the health benefits and lose sight of the God I'm longing to get closer to.
It seems as I have approached this period that I had decided on during my first 10 day fast that my spiritual struggle has increased. I see myself as a useless sinner whom God cannot change and I know that is false. There is now no condemnation for those who are Christ Jesus...And so God condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live by the sinful nature but by the Spirit. (Rom 8:1, 4) If we confess our sins He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9) I must remember that God does not call the worthy, he makes worthy the called. I was called to do God's will before the foundation of time. For some odd reason, God chose me to be His child. I suppose that if I could summarize what I've been learning recently is that it is all grace. My grace is sufficient for you. I pray that it is true because I doubt it.
Can you call "learning how sinful you are and how much you don't deserve forgiveness" spiritual growth? I don't know.
Elisabeth Elliot entitled Amy Carmichael's biography A Call to Die. I pray that this is what I will be doing for the next 40 some days. Dying to myself.
For those of you who are wondering why I'm not starting on Ash Wednesday, the answer is simple: practicality. The first three days of fasting are the most difficult and uncomfortable. Hence, I'll give my body a jump start while sleeping tonight and then Sat and Sun can be adjusted to how I'm feeling. Monday, however, has me working a 12 hour shift. I wanted to be responsible to my job and working during the chaos of detox is a struggle. So the fast starts today at noon. It will end at noon on March 14th. 30 days is my goal. If I must for energy purposes (I struggled with energy last time) I will be drinking juices. But I'm going to try to go the full 40 days without actual food. After the 30 day period, I may add some raw fruits/veggies back in for a week, but Holy week will be back to water. Easter will break my fast and I will begin to gradually start reintroducing foods. By the end of April, I should be back to a normal human, balanced diet.
Most people are thinking that I'm crazy. I may be, but it is going to take something drastic to make my flesh shut up and allow God to speak. If I must do this in order to hear what God has to say to me, then I will do it. I will no longer be controlled by my desires or by this world. They will perish by fire. I must fear the one who can destroy both body and soul. If I must be called a radical, fanatic, crazy lunatic then so be it. I'm sure Jesus' 40 day fast in the desert wasn't popular.
Friday, February 5, 2010
My how the world crumbles!
Kitchen demo started yesterday at the condo. My goodness, he works fast! So everything that was in the kitchen is now in the living room. Everything that was in the dining room is now in the living room. Its all in the living room - fridge, dishes, food - all of it. ::le sigh:: It'll all come together in the end! Hopefully by the end of the Lent fast.
Speaking of which, decisions have been made on the fast coming up. I think I'm going to take a big bite and go for 28 days on H2O. We'll see how it goes. My last fast was plagued by weakness so I'm going to keep a close eye on my energy levels during the first 2 weeks. If the energy just isn't there then I will transition to juices and maintain that until the 28 days are done.
At that point - depending on how I'm feeling physically and spiritually - I'll look at either continuing on juices for 2 weeks and then raw fruits and veggies for 1 week until Holy Week. I've got options there.
The big thing is the 28 days water only. Its a big chunk to bite off, but I think I'm up for the challenge!
Fast begins Feb 12th after dinner so that I'm not crabby on Monday (I think I have to work a 12 hr shift that day).
End of water only is Mar 12th after dinner.
Ready...set...go!
Speaking of which, decisions have been made on the fast coming up. I think I'm going to take a big bite and go for 28 days on H2O. We'll see how it goes. My last fast was plagued by weakness so I'm going to keep a close eye on my energy levels during the first 2 weeks. If the energy just isn't there then I will transition to juices and maintain that until the 28 days are done.
At that point - depending on how I'm feeling physically and spiritually - I'll look at either continuing on juices for 2 weeks and then raw fruits and veggies for 1 week until Holy Week. I've got options there.
The big thing is the 28 days water only. Its a big chunk to bite off, but I think I'm up for the challenge!
Fast begins Feb 12th after dinner so that I'm not crabby on Monday (I think I have to work a 12 hr shift that day).
End of water only is Mar 12th after dinner.
Ready...set...go!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Fasting Thoughts Update:
Read this on a blog today about a woman who completed her own 28 day water only fast. Here is what she has found on the bad taste on my tongue and the severe weakness I was feeling.
From: Dr. Isabelle A. Mose M.D. and Steve Solomon, in their book, How and When To Be Your Own Doctor
Acidosis, the third stage, usually begins a couple of days after the last meal and lasts about one week. During acidosis the body vigorously throws off acid waste products. Most people starting a fast begin with an overly acid blood pH from the typical American diet that contains a predominance of acid-forming foods. Switching over to burning fat for fuel triggers the release of even more acidic substances. Acidosis is usually accompanied by fatigue, blurred vision, and possibly dizziness. The breath smells very bad, the tongue is coated with bad-tasting dryish mucus, and the urine may be concentrated and foul unless a good deal of water is taken daily. Two to three quarts a day is a reasonable amount.
Mild states of acidosis are a common occurrence. While sleeping after the last meal of the day is digested bodies normally work very hard trying to detoxify from yesterday's abuses. So people routinely awaken in a state of acidosis. Their tongue is coated, their breath foul and they feel poorly. They end their brief overnight fast with breakfast, bringing the detoxification process to a screeching halt and feel much better. Many people think they awaken hungry and don't feel well until they eat. They confuse acidosis with hunger when most have never experienced real hunger in their entire lives. If you typically awaken in acidosis, you are being given a strong sign by your body that it would like to continue fasting far beyond breakfast. In fact, it probably would enjoy fasting long beyond the end of acidosis.
Most fasters feel much more comfortable by the end of the first seven to ten days, when they enter the normalization phase; here the acidic blood chemistry is gradually corrected. This sets the stage for serious healing of body tissues and organs. Normalization may take one or two more weeks depending on how badly the body was out of balance. As the blood chemistry steadily approaches perfection, the faster usually feels an increasing sense of well-being, broken by short spells of discomfort that are usually healing crises or retracings.
Fasting Thoughts
My mother reminded me the other day that I had yet to write down all my thoughts and experiences related with my 10 day fast. Well, let me tell you - It was fantastic! It wasn't a walk in the park most of the time, but I came out on the other side a changed person. I changed physically, I lost 17lbs. I changed spiritually. But I came to realize that everyone is right when they say that once you get yourself away from distractions, your real self takes over.
I don't have a lot of insights and bombshells to hit everyone with. The experience has taught me a great deal about myself. How psychological food is. If you're not willing to do at least a 3 day fast (not because of health) then guess what - you're addicted to food. If you honestly can admit that a 3 day fast would be difficult, but that if God commanded it, you would do it, then take heart - you're not as bad as most of us.
The weirdest thing that happened was that I gained universal support. I never had anyone telling me that I should stop, that it was killing me, etc. I had several who said to me the Sunday after I was done, "Its good to see you eating!" That made me laugh. I found that I was surrounded by people who completely supported me, a co-worker on day 10 said she was very very proud of me, but no one who was remotely willing to join me. I don't know exactly what that means, but I am grateful for the support. Office workers even moved a pizza party across the office so that I wouldn't be tempted.
Spiritually, it didn't change me much. It renewed my walk with Christ, which was faltering, and I've had highs and lows since then.
The big thing that it did was cleanse my body of mass amounts of crap.
For those who are considering fasting, let me lay out my general experiences for you.
Note: Everyday, all day - I had a terrible taste in my mouth. This is detox. Do not chew gum, do not eat certs or mints. Wash your mouth out with mouth wash every 2 hours and scrape your tongue off with a toothbrush. If you want to see that crap coming out of your body, wake up in the morning and wipe your tongue on a white towel. The dark gray, organge-like stuff is toxins. THAT is what you put into your body and THAT is what your body is getting rid of. Ewwww - Gross!! No more McDonalds for me!
Day 1 Sunday: No ill affects, just hungry.
Day 2 Monday: Headache. I took ibuprofen. DO NOT DO THIS! The fast is a fast away from modern medicine. The ibuprofen only awakened my digestive tract and upset my stomach. Experience the pain! Its a reminder of all the things in your body that shouldn't be in your body.
Day 3 Tuesday: Still hungry. But felt fantastic!
Day 4 Wednesday: Tues night I had a massive detox cycle. I tossed and turned in bed for hours and felt sore. It felt like sleeping when I had a severe case of the flu and a 104 degree fever. This is the hardest part. It will feel like you are sick. You're not. Sleep intensifies, at least for me, the detox process. At this point, my body was converting itself from using glucose from my liver as energy to using my fat and dead cells as energy. Toxins are stored in fat and as fat. As your body dips into those fat reserves, toxins are flushed into your system in large numbers. This is normal, but its painful. Another reminder of all the crap you put into your body that shouldn't be there.
Day 5 Thursday: Lack of energy. Mass amounts of psychological warfare went on as pizza was ordered. I found that I feel like I'm missing out on things if good food is around and I don't eat it. It wasn't hunger - it was messages in my brain that were WRONG! This is harder than feeling hungry. When your body is actually asking for food, its easy to say no. When an addiction is calling for satisfaction, it goes against the nature of addiction to deny it.
Day 6 Friday: Massive lack of energy. By this point, it was hard for me to get around in the mornings. I felt very weak and very slow. This is not normal for everyone. I was beginning to be crappy because of the lows I was feeling. Fasting is a cycle of highs and lows. It is normal - but not fun.
FASTING IS NOT FUN!
Day 7 Saturday: I laid in bed all day. It was fantastic! Yet, I stopped drinking water. At the time, I saw it as a bad sign. I've read since then that it is a normal thing. You just have to push through and drink more water even if you don't want to. Late Sat I decided to get some apple juice (all naturally squeezed with no other ingredients. Is available at whole foods for about $2-3/bottle. Its fantastic). It gave me some flavor so that I could make it through the next three days.
Day 8 Sunday: Still feeling weak when taking stairs, etc. The apple juice helped my energy level a bit. I had a 6 oz glass for breakfast and then continued with water for most of the day. I even went out to lunch with everyone to KFC. I was not tempted to eat a thing. At this point, my body was in fast mode, it was using my fat to feed itself.
Day 9 Monday: Had another bad detox cycle Sunday night. It wasn't as bad as Tues night, but I still tossed and turned. By this time, my body was eating away my fat in mass proportions. A pound of fat has 3500 calories in it. My body was going through a pound a day. I noticed that where I normally lost weight first was beginning to be sore. I normally lose it in my tush and upper thighs first, giving me baggy butt in my jeans. Well, it was very difficult to go to the bathroom. Females sit on all those muscles. I'm not sure if this is normal, but it happened.
Day 10 Tuesday: I was feeling ok by Day 10. My energy was back up because of the juices and I was feeling better all around. Everyone was asking me at the office what I was going to eat. I proudly proclaimed - banana! The odd thing was that my stomach was upset all day. I don't know why. I think I went through yet another detox cycle at work as I was nervous, anxious and jittery. I had to get up and walk around to relieve the anxiety. This is normal for detox.
So that's all I have time to relate today. I hope that my experience will help some not be afraid of fasting. I'll add more later as I have more thoughts.
My roommate and I will also be starting a 40 day fast for the lent season this year. It is not going to be water only. This fast is purely spiritual. I am seriously looking to quiet my flesh so that God may show himself to me more clearly. As a result, I may not be talking about it as much. I am hoping that it is another time of cleansing. But I also know it will be a time of pain. I have a lot of issues within myself that God needs to fix. There are times when only when we are broken are we healed.
Ask questions, make comments - whatever you'd like. I'd love to hear from anyone!
Tootles!
I don't have a lot of insights and bombshells to hit everyone with. The experience has taught me a great deal about myself. How psychological food is. If you're not willing to do at least a 3 day fast (not because of health) then guess what - you're addicted to food. If you honestly can admit that a 3 day fast would be difficult, but that if God commanded it, you would do it, then take heart - you're not as bad as most of us.
The weirdest thing that happened was that I gained universal support. I never had anyone telling me that I should stop, that it was killing me, etc. I had several who said to me the Sunday after I was done, "Its good to see you eating!" That made me laugh. I found that I was surrounded by people who completely supported me, a co-worker on day 10 said she was very very proud of me, but no one who was remotely willing to join me. I don't know exactly what that means, but I am grateful for the support. Office workers even moved a pizza party across the office so that I wouldn't be tempted.
Spiritually, it didn't change me much. It renewed my walk with Christ, which was faltering, and I've had highs and lows since then.
The big thing that it did was cleanse my body of mass amounts of crap.
For those who are considering fasting, let me lay out my general experiences for you.
Note: Everyday, all day - I had a terrible taste in my mouth. This is detox. Do not chew gum, do not eat certs or mints. Wash your mouth out with mouth wash every 2 hours and scrape your tongue off with a toothbrush. If you want to see that crap coming out of your body, wake up in the morning and wipe your tongue on a white towel. The dark gray, organge-like stuff is toxins. THAT is what you put into your body and THAT is what your body is getting rid of. Ewwww - Gross!! No more McDonalds for me!
Day 1 Sunday: No ill affects, just hungry.
Day 2 Monday: Headache. I took ibuprofen. DO NOT DO THIS! The fast is a fast away from modern medicine. The ibuprofen only awakened my digestive tract and upset my stomach. Experience the pain! Its a reminder of all the things in your body that shouldn't be in your body.
Day 3 Tuesday: Still hungry. But felt fantastic!
Day 4 Wednesday: Tues night I had a massive detox cycle. I tossed and turned in bed for hours and felt sore. It felt like sleeping when I had a severe case of the flu and a 104 degree fever. This is the hardest part. It will feel like you are sick. You're not. Sleep intensifies, at least for me, the detox process. At this point, my body was converting itself from using glucose from my liver as energy to using my fat and dead cells as energy. Toxins are stored in fat and as fat. As your body dips into those fat reserves, toxins are flushed into your system in large numbers. This is normal, but its painful. Another reminder of all the crap you put into your body that shouldn't be there.
Day 5 Thursday: Lack of energy. Mass amounts of psychological warfare went on as pizza was ordered. I found that I feel like I'm missing out on things if good food is around and I don't eat it. It wasn't hunger - it was messages in my brain that were WRONG! This is harder than feeling hungry. When your body is actually asking for food, its easy to say no. When an addiction is calling for satisfaction, it goes against the nature of addiction to deny it.
Day 6 Friday: Massive lack of energy. By this point, it was hard for me to get around in the mornings. I felt very weak and very slow. This is not normal for everyone. I was beginning to be crappy because of the lows I was feeling. Fasting is a cycle of highs and lows. It is normal - but not fun.
FASTING IS NOT FUN!
Day 7 Saturday: I laid in bed all day. It was fantastic! Yet, I stopped drinking water. At the time, I saw it as a bad sign. I've read since then that it is a normal thing. You just have to push through and drink more water even if you don't want to. Late Sat I decided to get some apple juice (all naturally squeezed with no other ingredients. Is available at whole foods for about $2-3/bottle. Its fantastic). It gave me some flavor so that I could make it through the next three days.
Day 8 Sunday: Still feeling weak when taking stairs, etc. The apple juice helped my energy level a bit. I had a 6 oz glass for breakfast and then continued with water for most of the day. I even went out to lunch with everyone to KFC. I was not tempted to eat a thing. At this point, my body was in fast mode, it was using my fat to feed itself.
Day 9 Monday: Had another bad detox cycle Sunday night. It wasn't as bad as Tues night, but I still tossed and turned. By this time, my body was eating away my fat in mass proportions. A pound of fat has 3500 calories in it. My body was going through a pound a day. I noticed that where I normally lost weight first was beginning to be sore. I normally lose it in my tush and upper thighs first, giving me baggy butt in my jeans. Well, it was very difficult to go to the bathroom. Females sit on all those muscles. I'm not sure if this is normal, but it happened.
Day 10 Tuesday: I was feeling ok by Day 10. My energy was back up because of the juices and I was feeling better all around. Everyone was asking me at the office what I was going to eat. I proudly proclaimed - banana! The odd thing was that my stomach was upset all day. I don't know why. I think I went through yet another detox cycle at work as I was nervous, anxious and jittery. I had to get up and walk around to relieve the anxiety. This is normal for detox.
So that's all I have time to relate today. I hope that my experience will help some not be afraid of fasting. I'll add more later as I have more thoughts.
My roommate and I will also be starting a 40 day fast for the lent season this year. It is not going to be water only. This fast is purely spiritual. I am seriously looking to quiet my flesh so that God may show himself to me more clearly. As a result, I may not be talking about it as much. I am hoping that it is another time of cleansing. But I also know it will be a time of pain. I have a lot of issues within myself that God needs to fix. There are times when only when we are broken are we healed.
Ask questions, make comments - whatever you'd like. I'd love to hear from anyone!
Tootles!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
New Years 2010!
So I really didn't make any New Years resolutions this year. I normally don't. I always have the two that are constant whether its January or November: 1) lose weight, 2) grow spiritually. So I decided to do something good for myself this January and get rid of all the crap that I'd eaten over the holidays. I decided on a detox water fast. It began as a 5 day fast and ended up being a 10 day fast (reading up on fasting, I found that a 10 day fast is really good for you). Yes, you can all close your mouths now. I'm not psycho, I'm not suicidal and I'm not hurting myself. Fasting is an age old tradition that was actually commanded in the Old Testament and highly recommended in the New Testament. I have found that most Christians I talk to cannot even phathom a one day fast for prayer and meditation. I'm ashamed to say that most of the time, I wouldn't have considered it. But didn't Jesus say, "this kind only comes out with prayer and fasting?" He also spent 40 days in the wilderness before his ministry, most likely on a water fast. If Jesus did it, aren't we supposed to become like him? I have found that my flesh is a lot louder than God's still small voice most of the time. I think its time that I silence my flesh and let God speak!
Today is Day 10, I get to eat tonight. And well, I've learned some things about myself that I didn't really realize. I'll have more coming as I can analyze my thoughts and also reap some benefits once I start eating again, but it has been a beneficial experience. I think everyone should fast, but its not for the faint hearted. Once you get away from what you escape to and hide behind, you'll find out who you truly are. And that my friend - is a sinner. More to come.
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