I have had to ask myself the past several days the question, "Who am I living for?" I am ashamed to admit that whenever I answer that question, it is undoubtedly - myself. It shocks me how much I live for myself. In every decision I make, I must ask myself this question.
I bought A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God. It came last night and I read the first chapter yesterday. Yet, it was the second chapter today which tugged at my heart. He entitled the chapter The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing. He talks about idols of the heart and how they must be ripped out. Slowly and gently whittling them down to nothing will not work - they must be torn out. Our hearts will bleed when this is done and it will be painful, but I must ask myself the question, "Who am I living for?" If I continue to live for myself, I will end up in the same position I have been for the past year. I will continue to feel ashamed every morning when I go to the Lord and I will continue to fail. I will continue to not have victory over my sin.
The beautiful irony of Abraham after he was obedient in sacrificing Isaac, was that "He had everything, but he possessed nothing." (Tozer, p 27)
I took this to heart this morning and have started to get rid of things that distract me from the Lord, things which take my attention off of Him. Yet, I argue with God about getting rid of things that are closest to my heart. Things that I have invested my life in. And I realize that he wants them deleted, gone from my life. It was to my peril that I invested such time and energy in them instead of in pursuit of my Lord. It still hurts. I am ashamed to say that I have given myself a lifeline to one day get them back. O Lord, rip them from my clutches and comfort my heart while it bleeds.
Day 19 of my fast. Wow. Tomorrow I will have 10 days left. When I'm sitting at home, with my bible on my lap and the words of my God in my head, I do not wish for food. But when I'm in the real world, I long for the things I cannot have. If I do not desire food, I guess I will continue my fast until I do desire food. At least until I desire the correct kind of food. I don't want fruit and vegetables this time around. No. I want fried chicken, and cakes and chips - all the things that I feel I have been denying myself. All the things I think I'm missing out on. I don't quite know how to proceed today, as I usually do. I suppose I will continue in the path shown and trust that God will continue to help me pursue Him.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment