Day 3

Today has been a good day.  Slight headache, slight weakness - but that's all.
Spiritually, today has been better:
After church this morning as I was driving home, I realized that I don't really spend very much time with the Lord on "Lord's Day".  This is a grievous oversight.  I've always been the habitual: go to church, eat lunch w/ friends, go home and relax, go back to church, eat dinner w/ friends, go home and relax/rest more.  I've never even thought of using the time I have on Sundays to spend more time with the Lord.  How dense can I be?
I decided that today should be different. The problem I've encountered is that its been so long since God and I were close that I don't know what to say to him. Consider it like this:  you and an old friend were really close, you had a lot of good times and a great deal of deep discussion that changed you.  Then you don't really talk to that person for a year, you don't really discuss anything, you just mainly show up and go through the motions.  How is that first real conversation back going to go? 
I asked God what I should say to him and the idea of reading a psalm came into my head.  Its been said that the Psalms are there to let us know what to say to God.  They are praises to him from him.  I find it ingenious of him really.  I'm a sinner with no concept of the holiness of God.  Without direction, where do we turn?
So I flipped on over to the Psalm for today, which since I've been trying to read one a day since Jan 1, means I'm on Ps 45.  It didn't really give me much to say.  So I added 30 days to it and flipped over to another, Ps 75.  That didn't do much either.  So I prayed some more asking God what on earth I should say.  Then my eye caught Ps 77:1-12

I cried out to God for help;  I cried out to God to hear me.  When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.

I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint.  You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.  I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night,  My heart mused and my spirit inquired:  

"Will the Lord reject forever?  Will he never show his favor again?  Has his unfailing love vanished forever?  Has his promise failed for all time?  Has God forgotten to be merciful?  Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High."  I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.  I will meditate on all your works and consider all your might deeds.

I knew what I was to say.  I started with my salvation and traced God's hand through my life these past 8 years.  I thanked him for everything he had done and meditated on that.  And I came to the point where I found that I left God. I think that at a certain point, I took what he called me to be and I ran with it.  I set in motion a plan that I thought was God's.  Perhaps it was, most of it he has led me to and through.  But then that plan ended.  I came to the end of my human knowledge of the future.  And I stopped.  It happened slowly, but I stopped going to Seminary.  I stopped being diligent.  I stopped studying his word.  I started down the road of escapism that has lead me where I am today.  Instead of taking my uncomfortable feelings about where I was going and what was happening to the Lord, I pushed them aside and didn't deal with them.  Now I find that there is so much nonsense in my head that when I try to get alone with him, all I hear is noise. 
I am so grateful that the Lord has shown this to me.  It didn't take fasting to discover this.  It only took quieting of my desire to escape and perhaps the mindset of self-denial necessary in fasting to reveal it.  He has still been faithful.  His love is ever drawing me back to him.  
I renewed my desire to be what he has called me to be and I am asking him to show me how to repent of all this.  Shame and realization will only get you so far.  I desire to change.  I no longer want to be on the path that I'm on.  I want to be what God has called me to be.
What has he called me to be? 
For sure, he's called me to be a Christian.  That means that I am his witness.  He has done so much for me and it is my job to take his gospel to the world - the good news that we can be saved from our sins.
I believe he's called me into cross-cultural ministry.  A "missionary" as we call it today.  Where and when, I do not know.  But I do know that there are requirements that must be met before I can be one.  I must have a passion for telling others the good news.  I must always be looking for opportunities to tell people what Jesus has done in my life and ask them if they'd like to know more about him. 
I've been thinking about whether or not he's called me to work with a certain people group right here where I am.  I have a passion for a certain people group and I've found no ministry to them in my city.  Perhaps God is calling me to start something.  I don't feel up for the challenge.  But if he calls me, he will equip me.  I will be praying about this a great deal until Easter.  It is something that I can do now while I'm waiting for the Lord to move me where he wants me to be.  Paul didn't sit in Antioch for all those years and wait for God to lead him.  No.  He ministered where he was.  It is my desire to do the same.
It is now time to rest. 
Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation.
O my soul, praise him!  For he is thy health and salvation!