Day 23

I have struggled today with what to say to God.  I sit in silence and attempt to focus my mind.  I read a few verses in Romans 11, which ended up in more questions than prayer.  I moved back to Philippians.  I had planned on reading it all the way through again.  This time I only got to 1:3.  It reminded me of all the people in Russia that I have had the opportunity and pleasure to work with.  I said a short prayer of thanks for them and prayed for their lives.  Paul loved the Philippians so much.  I don't love any people that I've worked with that much.  Perhaps the Carrs from Ufa.  I love that family.  I loved talking with their Russian nanny, although I can't remember her name for the life of me.  She touched me as well. 
My mind has been wandering for the past hour and I'm trying to make some kind of sense out of it.  I remember my last trip to Russia.  Getting up every morning and making the trek to McDonalds, hoping not to be ticketed for parking while we were inside.  Or having breakfast with Russians during our conference.  It made me stop and think about what life on the mission field would really be like when I'm not being toted around by the SC and taken care of by his family.  Would I really be able to be effective?
My mind then wandered again to what I really wanted out of life.  The social stigma is for me to want a husband and a family and I do long to work for my family, but right now...I just want to be a missionary.  I want to share Christ with passion and with confidence and I want to make a difference in people's lives.  I want to finally realize that calling that I have.  But what will it cost me?  That was the question that came into my mind- directly from the Lord, I believe.  I do want to be passionate about sharing the gospel but I have to realize that it will cost me everything.
I must die. 
And I don't want to. 
To rip everything out so that my self is exposed and then kill it is a painful venture.  Yet it must be done!  The only way I can succeed in this life is to kill self.  I must lose my life in order to find it.  Oh how that scares me.  Do you realize the implications of that statement?  Lose my life.  I must trust my God enough to allow him to kill me.  I must trust him with everything, give up everything and hope/trust that he will be enough.  Perhaps this is the underlying problem of my life today.  I don't trust him enough.
Jesus says that we must take up our crosses daily and follow him.  That much I think I can do.  I am now realizing how that is done - practically.  As I take a deep breath and throw off the fear that so easily entangles, I realize that dying to self and living in Christ is not such a lofty venture.  It is bound in the everyday decisions.  It is asking myself, "Who are you living for?"  It is putting aside what I want to do that day, how much I want to sleep, what I want to eat, who I want to talk to, who I want to love, the attitude I want to have, what I want to watch, what I want to read, how I want to react, how I want to respond, how much effort I want to use.  Notice a pattern there?  "I".  Insert "God" where you see "I" and you've got the right worldview for dying to self.
I can't believe its taken me 8 years to finally sit down with God and realize what death to self means. 
The hard question I have to ask myself today, is "what does God want me to do today?"  Beyond spending time with him and reading his word, meditating on his message - what does today entail?
For the first time since I started fasting, I have a Saturday to myself.  I have no appointments, no requirements, nothing.  I am actually still in bed and still in my pajamas.  When I'm done with this portion of my day, what should the rest of the day include?  I definitely need to stay away from movies.  I have a dresser I can put together.  I have some cleaning to do.  I have a friend I can visit.  What should be my next priority?  What would Jesus to today?  What did he do everyday when he wasn't in the ministry?  Those are the days that I wish I could see.  When you're not in full-time ministry, what should you do?
Practically, Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
Hmm...good words to live by today.

For those of you who don't journal.  Start.  I have found that writing down what I have been thinking about opens up entire applications for my mind.  All of what I've just written, I thought of on the spot based upon the ways my mind was working.  Scripture came to my mind, applications and practical tidbits came to my mind.  Past thoughts which God strategically placed came to my mind.  Our Lord is wonderful.  Maybe this happens to me because I fancy myself to be a writer.  I like writing.  I write by hand too slow, so I have found blogging to be especially helpful.  Try it.  You don't have to have a subject to write about.  Just start off with the sentence, "I have been thinking about..." and go from there.  I find it helpful.

Onto the fast:  Yes. Day 23.  Wow!  Everyone is telling me how impressed they are with me.  The not eating part has been easy. Its the getting closer to God part that has been a struggle. Yet it has been soooo worth it!  God has been blessing me.  He has been pulling me close to him and it has been wonderful!  I haven't stopped all of the sins that I started out with, but they have been getting fewer and farther in between.  I have been seeing God work, God changing me.  I praise him for it!  If you ever think you can live on your own strength, apart from grace.  You are wrong.  I will argue that point with you day in and day out.  I cannot live apart from the grace of my Lord.  It is a depressing and horrid existence.  I experienced it for almost an entire year before I realized what I was trying to do.
So physically, I have felt fine.  My digestive tract started up on Wed(?) because I drank some apple juice with some pulp in it.  This week has been a constant struggle against food.  My mind is craving it, but my body is happy w/o it.  I went to Fazoli's fast night with some friends and I wanted to eat, but when I'm fasting, there is a supernatural force that just keeps me from reaching out and taking it.  I wish that the force would exist when I'm eating.  I keep saying that its easier for me to eat nothing at all than to control myself.  I pray that this isn't the case when I start eating again.
I have been struggling with the thought of just eating fruits/veggies when I'm done till Holy week.  I am craving carbs and protein, which is expected given the amount of time I've been fasting.  I'm wondering if it wouldn't be more beneficial to fast from movies and books (except for the bible and spiritually related books) for Holy Week.  Yet, I feel that I should at least do Thurs-Sat of Holy Week.  My focus should remain on Christ.  Anyway, I'll decide that when I'm eating again.  Now is a terrible time to decide what I can and cannot do.
That's all for my book today.
 Have a great weekend!