Beloved

The past two days have been trying.  I've been running away from God.  He's been running after me.  Eventually, He ran past me and caught me.  Instead of feeling complete in His arms, I beat my way out of them and started running again.  He's caught up with me again.  I'm content to stay in them for now.  He's the only thing I have left.
If you've never been stripped of everything you thought you cared about, you don't know how scary it is.  I don't have a desire to do anything.  There's a gaping hole and the only thing that can fill it is God. I still frantically try to fill it.  Yet when whatever I'm doing is over - all I can think to do is lay on my bed and think or sleep.  I push away from that.  It fills me with emptiness.  So I try to fill myself again with whatever I can find.  I don't want to watch movies, read books, write, cook - nothing.  My desires for everything is gone.  The only option he's left is him.  Have I mentioned how scary this is?
He cornered me tonight.  I want to rest in his arms, but its so weird.  I'm not used to it, so I flee from it.  And even then all I can pray about it myself - I seek his hand, longing to know what the future holds instead of looking into his face and worshiping the Almighty.
The feeling of hope in his arms is scary.  Can I really change?  Can I really do what he's calling me to do?  I keep asking him to change me, but all I hear is "be first - do second."  That's a hard thing for me to do.
More hope tainted with the threat that I'll fail, tainted with the knowledge that I will fail, tainted with the voices that berate me and tell me that I've tried it all before and I failed.
Once again - there is therapy for this type of thing!  I'm an emotional mess and I'm pretty certain that I'm exactly where God wants me.  There's a part of me that knows this and rejoices in it.  I suppose that's the Holy Spirit keeping me from becoming hardened.
I'm still holding on.  Hopefully, I can stay in the Lord's arms tonight and not run away.
I've been listening to Tenth Avenue North for the past two weeks.  Mostly their album Over and Underneath but also a song from Light Meets the Dark.  Many thanks and hugs to my friend, Melissa, who gave me their album and said, "Listen to this!"  Oh how I resonate, feel and drown in these songs!  They rip at my heart!
The song that I've been clinging to is Beloved.  Here's a taste of the lyrics (I think you'll be able to guess why I cling to it).  The bridge says, "You've been a mistress, my wife, chasing lovers that won't satisfy.  Won't you let me make you my bride!  You'll drink of my lips and taste new life."
Besides the intense word play and theological significance (Song of Solomon, Christ/Church, God/Christian, Husband/Wife), this song is just profound.  Its romantic, desperate, filled with emotion and so...perfect!
Here's the chorus:
You're my beloved, Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us, Its you I died for
For better for worse forever we'll be
Love it unites us and it binds you to me

It rips my heart out!  I'm struggling with, not exactly being single, but how any man could possibly love me.  I long for the love and affection of a man.  How can I possibly be constantly longing for the love of a man when my God is saying these types of things to me?  How much can I prostitute my soul?
Read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers over the past two days as well, hence the prostituting references.  If you haven't read it...READ IT!  Even if you're not a romance fan...see what that book has to say about what God will go through to get your heart.  I feel so ashamed that he's had to go through much more than that to get my heart.
Its hard to write this.  Harder that I can't really talk about it with anyone.  How do you explain it?  Its so deep, profound and connect to my very core - my mind, my heart and my soul.
Living for God alone - I recoil, frightened.  What kind of freedom lies in letting go?