Day 10

I have been tempted this weekend to break my fast completely much earlier than planned.  My life is busy and it seems that everything centers around food.  I struggle with the psychological hunger more than the physical.  I struggle with the feeling of "missing out" as if I'll never be able to have that food in the future.  We went to a new mexican restaurant yesterday w/ friends and I fed the baby while everyone else ate. They raved about the food and I felt as if I had to try some now because we would never be back there again.  My question to myself is, so what?  What if we never go back there?  Will having that certain salsa or the certain quesadilla really alter my existance?  I can do without and still live a long and happy life.
The other factor in my wanting to break my fast early is pressure.  I've had several people call what I'm doing "starvation".  And so far I've smiled and nodded and not mentioned the fact that the body was created to be able to do what I'm doing (some people on this planet actually eat more than they have to in the summer to build up fat reserves for the winter when food is scarce.  We North Americans eat more than we should all the time and then expect a pill to get rid of it.).  Another person at church yesterday, who meant well, came up to me and said I was pale and cold and that it was time to eat.  I knew she meant well, but do people realize that perhaps God has called me to this time of self-denial?  My health is fine.  I've regained my strength after 2 days on juices and yesterday was able to continue in my water fast.  This task is hard enough without people chipping away at my resolve.  It was very frustrating.
As I was driving home last night I realized that I wanted to break my fast because I was setting my mind on earthly things.  That new mexican restaurant and the food there has no eternal consequence.  I am setting the events of this earth above the events of God.
This morning, I was led to the temptations of Jesus.  Jesus' reply in Matt 4:4 seems to sum up what I must say to these people, "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God."  My body is not living on bread right now.  It is living on the strength of God.
I've had to ask myself this weekend if I need to reevaluate what I'm doing.  And I did reevaluate what I'm doing.  Result:  The spiritual benefits of this past week already outweigh the frustration and discomfort.  In asking the Lord if I'm supposed to continue in this fast, the answer is yes.  I have plenty of juices stocked up in case I need them but I am going to go back to water only and see what happens.  I need to tear down my idols and "Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only."  My flesh is an idol.  What people think of me is an idol.  Comfort in this world is an idol.  All these things stand between me and a closer relationship with God and a fulfillment of what God wants me to do in this life.  All stand in the way of being an effective missionary.  All stand in the way of me showing the lost my Lord and Savior.
Random thought that also tends to annoy me.  It is impossible to keep this fast under the radar.  I don't go around proclaiming that I'm fasting.  Scripture instructs us to do so in the sight of God and not lay around in "ashes and sackcloth".  I've realized that, good gracious, everything is about food!  I couldn't talk to anyone yesterday without them asking about lunch and I quietly tried to bow out simply stating that I wasn't going and then people want to know why and then...you get the drift.  Then people who know announce it to other people.  Instead of letting me state at the restaurant that I was not eating (I went to fellowship with friends who I hadn't spent a lot of time with recently), a friend announced to the waiter that I was fasting and would not be ordering.  ::sigh::  I'm trying not to be proud about this but it seems like that another battle I'll have to fight.  I'm not doing this for the attention, believe me.  I'm very happy keeping my head down and not having random people come up to me and tell me to eat.  I suppose this blog is about as public as I like and even then, I know very few read it.
I must confess that this weekend, apart from what the Lord showed me last night, was a flop.  I didn't spend any time with him on Sat (I just can't get into that groove) and little to no extra time yesterday outside of church.  I am emotionally strained and stressed this morning.  Spiritual struggles, coupled with hurts, offenses, barbs and jabs from other events over the weekend, coupled with the fast have me in need of a day off to just sit and talk to no one.  Alas, I don't live in a world where that is possible. 

Quick physical update:  Friday and Sat I had juices.  One bottle I bought had dehydrated stuff in it so I believe it awoke my digestive system but that seems to have quieted down again.  I am back on water today and I'll see how it goes.  I think my body is out of acidosis, but I could be wrong.  The lack of fatigue might just be the nutrients in the juices.  I am down 35lbs from where I was at Christmas.  That leaves me with 30lbs to go in order to reach my health goal for mission work and a total of 45lbs to reach my ultimate weight loss goal.  Woot!  God is good!  I hope that I won't lose a lot more weight on this fast (I know I will) because I want to lose most of my weight through lifestyle change so that I don't gain it back.  I would be lying if I didn't admit that the weight loss is another perk of continuing the fast.  Yet I don't want to get too wrapped up in it for this is effortless weight loss.  Its what the world calls an "easy fix" to my weight problem.  I need a real fix, not an easy one.  Controlling my diet after my detox fast in Jan proved to be much easier than before so I'm hoping that after this fast my control over what I eat will be even better.
Ok, now that my book is complete, I will bid everyone adieu.