Step One: Emptiness

Its logical to feel alone and empty when you're being stripped of everything you have.  In the past year or more I've been stripped of everything I could possibly be living for.  Slowly, methodically and painfully (because I held on when I should have let go) its been vanishing one by one.  Its even caused me to grow angry at God and turn my back on Him.  Since I turned back to Him last fall, He's been talking and working.  I think I've come to the point God has been leading me to.
So...what have I been living for:  Myself?  Tried it - a deep chasm of emptiness awaits.  School?  Tried it - burn out, big time.  Work?  Nope - don't like my job that much (even more emptiness b/c living for other things has caused me to not achieve the calling that God has for me vocationally).  Family? Can't - they're 12 hours away.  Friends?  Impossible - they have their own lives.  Possessions? Sorry.  Now I'm paying off debt.  Food?  Oh crap - the scale said what?!?!  Fantasy?  Another deep chasm of emptiness when you realize that it really is just a dream.  Men?  Please - don't make me laugh!  Solomon was right - all is meaningless.
So what am I left with?  God.
When I came to this realization earlier this week, I think I blinked for a very long time.  It came after my parents left for NE and I looked around and felt completely and utterly empty and alone.
Its sad to say it, but this is what it took for God to make me look to Him and say, "Ok, you're all I have."  Everything else in this world will pass away, but my word will never pass away, He says.  All else will leave me empty and alone.
So in the past several days I have been earnestly asking God what living for Him and only Him looks like.  I see godly people all around me, but God has a different plan for me than He has for them.  So far, I've gotten one revelation or epiphany.  Think on God.  Paul says in Philippians 4:8 "Whatever is true, whatever it noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."  I realized that my thinking is all wrong.  When living for God, you want Him always in your head.  You want your focus to be completely on Him.  Well, duh!  How many times did my counseling teacher say "Head - heart - hands"?  I can't manifest living for God alone until my head thinks on God alone.  So good-bye crappy romance, good-bye regrets and worries, good-bye Twilight, fiction, movies and the perfect men who don't exist (who I'm starting to believe I wouldn't want anyway), good-bye impurity, good-bye lies - HELLO TRUTH!
I feel completely stupid for not realizing this sooner.  How long has God been hammering this into my head?  How long has He been shinning light into my darkness saying, "Just please go this way"?  Too long.  O Lord forgive my stubborn, hardened heart.
So, thinking on God = step one for me in living for God alone.
So what do I need to do next?  Memorize what is noble, true, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy.  I need to get God's word into my head.  Luckily, God has me reading 5 Psalms a day. So I've got a good base on thinking of Him, but what I need to work on is scripture for everyday situations.  When I remind myself that I need to think on what is true and noble, etc; I need to have a verse in my head to follow that thought.  Or at least a bible story or biblical principle to think on.
My challenge to everyone today - find out what you're living for.  Strip away everything in your life - if it doesn't hurt and doesn't feel empty, congrats.  You may be living for God alone.  And you're a much wiser soul than I.
Till my next epiphany...