Day 15: Set your minds

A problem I've been having is knowing what scripture to read for that morning.  Sometimes I go to the Psalms, sometimes something else comes into my head.  This morning, I was turning to 1 John to read more on God's love and I opened to Colossians.  Normally, I don't condone randomly flipping the bible open and reading what's there.  Its not bad, you're still reading the word of God and all scripture is appropriate for sanctification, but its a little too irresponsible in my opinion for daily reading. 
Today, I stopped on Colossians and read v. 1-4 of chapter 1.  I was immediately hit with its message.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

What struck me was v. 2.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
Practically, that means giving up my earthly dreams.  My dreams of serving God and doing what he calls me to do are still valid, but my dreams of living in an old victorian mansion, of being married and having kids, of new furniture and TVs, of being famous according to man - all must be given up for the things of heaven.
Rarely do I do this, but I brought my Greek training into play and looked the Greek word translated, "set".  It is from the Greek word froneo.  (I can't get a Greek font in here.)  It means to exercise the mind, to be disposed to think of, intensively to interest oneself in. 
I can have hobbies and desires for earthly things, but they cannot be my obsession or my stronghold.  I cannot escape to a movie when I could escape to the word of God.  My earthly resources must be used to advance my heavenly calling.  Only then will I be truly dead to myself and alive in Christ.

Day 13 - Psalm 139:18 Update

Here's a good comentary on v 18 from a Puritan mind, although the connections still remain unexplained in my mind.

“When I awake, I am still with thee.” It is the great advantage of a Christian, which he has above other men, that he has his friends always about him, and (if the fault be not his own) need never to be absent from them. In the friendship and converse of the world, we use to say, “Friends must part,” and those who have delight and satisfaction in one another's society must be content to leave it, and to be taken off from it. But this is the privilege of a believer that undertakes communion with God, that it is possible for him always to be with him. Again, in human converse and society we know it is ordinary for friends to dream that they are in company with one another; but when they awake they are a great way off. But a Christian that converses with God, and has his thoughts fastened upon him, when he awakes he is still with him, which is that which is here exhibited to us in the example of the prophet David.
A godly soul should fall asleep in God's arms, like a child in the mother's lap; it should be sung and lulled to sleep with “songs of the night.” And this will make him the fitter for converse with God the next day after. This is the happiness of a Christian that is careful to lie down with God, that he finds his work still as he left it, and is in the same disposition when he rises as he was at night when he lay down to rest. As a man that winds up his watch over night, he finds it going the next morning; so is it also, as I may say, with a Christian that winds up his heart. This is a good observation to be remembered, especially in the evening afore the Sabbath.

- Thomas Horton, - 1673.

Day 13 - Psalm 139

I was meditating on Ps 139 tonight.  Its part of a plan to realize how much God loves me and move into a closer relationship and intimacy with him.  After today, I'm very emotional and I found myself asking a lot of questions about what it says.  What I'd really like to expound on is what I see in the latter half of Ps 139.

Ps 139: 13-18
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wondering,
I know that full well.
15 My fame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes say my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

 Verses 13-16 are pretty self explanatory.  We are made by God in God's image.  Verse 16 has me asking how God can possibly love me that much?  Knowing everything I would be, all my sin and all my mistakes, he still loved me enough to create me - in his image no less!  Its one thing to be created.  Its certainly another thing to be made in God's image.  That's value right there!

Here comes the more intellectual part of my mind, I left my emotions at the door as I approached these verses.  What confuses me a little about this psalm is the connection between v. 16 and 17.  So far, David has basically had clean breaks between the sections but with thoughts make sense, he is listing God's attributes.  So why does he suddenly go into v. 17 like that?  V 17 comes right after talking about creation, God ordaining my days.  Is there a connection between God's ordination of my life and his thoughts?  Is what he wrote down in the book his thoughts?  It seems unlikely.  His thoughts are more important than that!
Perhaps David is praising God for his revelations up to verse 17.  The meaning between the two sections is escaping me.
Also, v 18?  When I awake, I am still with you.  What on earth is that about?  David is praising God and telling him that God's thoughts are too numerous, they are innumerable.  Then he says this.  What relationship does this have to the number of God's thoughts or the preciousness of God's thoughts.  Could he be saying that despite God's numerous thoughts, God is still with me when I wake?  That would be another proof of God's love as the rest of the psalm meditates on.
I'm still fuzzing on those two joinings.  Where is the connection?  What does it mean?  If there is a lack of connection, why?
The lack of connection wouldn't make much sense, would it?  David praises God for his thoughts, makes a disjointed statement and then goes into harping on God's enemies.  I understand the lack of connection between the first part of the psalm and the last verses.  David does this all the time.  Its a natural outworking of his praise to the Lord.  Anyone got any thoughts?  I'm about to go consult some commentaries on the psalm but I wanted to get my thoughts down first.

I did finally buy an A.W. Tozer book today.  I bought The Pursuit of God. It seemed appropriate for what I was doing.  The next Tozer book on my list is Knowledge of the Holy.  One of my profs in Seminary, Bruce Ware said that it changed his life when he was 19.  I'm sure it won't necessarily change my life, but I'm looking forward to reading it.

Day 13 is coming to a close and its been a rough one.  I had a major irritability and anxiety cycle today.  I'm sure that had to do with the fast.  I talked it out to my roommate and was able to keep my commitment to my 30 days.  I did, however, go buy some carrot juice.  It seems to be the most helpful.  8oz has 700% of my daily beta-carotine which is turned into Vitamin A which then used as an antioxidant.
We are also having some drama at our church in which people are not behaving with Christian character and it really bothers me.  How anyone can disrespect 2 pastors, 3 deacons and even more fellow church members like that is beyond me.  Pray for our church.  We need God's will to be done.
That's it for today.  Till tomorrow!  Day 14!  Woot!

Day 12

Wow!  Day 12!  THE JUICER IS HERE!  I will soon be making my own orange, banana, pineapple juice.   YUM!
Not much of an update.  I was able to do a water fast only for Sunday and most of Monday.  I have had 8oz of apple/raspberry juice today as I felt dizzy this morning.  Other than being a little more crabby than usual, I'm good.
They did have BBQ today at work!  Oh how I LOVE Bootleg BBQ!  They had pork chops and stuffing and green beans and biscuits!  This is where my feeling of missing out comes into play.  But I have to realize that having Bootleg today would not have changed my life nor would it have affected eternity.  It did smell good!

Good News on the kitchen!  It is painted, the cupboards are up except for one that we got the wrong size.  The flooring is in stock ready to pick up!  (Was supposed to take 7 days!)  So the floor should go in Mon/Tues of next week.  The pantry is finished so we're moving all the stuff from the living back into the pantry!  Woot!  Lots of progress.  After the floors go in, the appliances go in, then the furniture comes in!  Then we're done and we have our kitchen back!  Oh Praise the Lord!  Its been tough living w/ no sink in the kitchen.
All for now!

Day 10

I have been tempted this weekend to break my fast completely much earlier than planned.  My life is busy and it seems that everything centers around food.  I struggle with the psychological hunger more than the physical.  I struggle with the feeling of "missing out" as if I'll never be able to have that food in the future.  We went to a new mexican restaurant yesterday w/ friends and I fed the baby while everyone else ate. They raved about the food and I felt as if I had to try some now because we would never be back there again.  My question to myself is, so what?  What if we never go back there?  Will having that certain salsa or the certain quesadilla really alter my existance?  I can do without and still live a long and happy life.
The other factor in my wanting to break my fast early is pressure.  I've had several people call what I'm doing "starvation".  And so far I've smiled and nodded and not mentioned the fact that the body was created to be able to do what I'm doing (some people on this planet actually eat more than they have to in the summer to build up fat reserves for the winter when food is scarce.  We North Americans eat more than we should all the time and then expect a pill to get rid of it.).  Another person at church yesterday, who meant well, came up to me and said I was pale and cold and that it was time to eat.  I knew she meant well, but do people realize that perhaps God has called me to this time of self-denial?  My health is fine.  I've regained my strength after 2 days on juices and yesterday was able to continue in my water fast.  This task is hard enough without people chipping away at my resolve.  It was very frustrating.
As I was driving home last night I realized that I wanted to break my fast because I was setting my mind on earthly things.  That new mexican restaurant and the food there has no eternal consequence.  I am setting the events of this earth above the events of God.
This morning, I was led to the temptations of Jesus.  Jesus' reply in Matt 4:4 seems to sum up what I must say to these people, "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God."  My body is not living on bread right now.  It is living on the strength of God.
I've had to ask myself this weekend if I need to reevaluate what I'm doing.  And I did reevaluate what I'm doing.  Result:  The spiritual benefits of this past week already outweigh the frustration and discomfort.  In asking the Lord if I'm supposed to continue in this fast, the answer is yes.  I have plenty of juices stocked up in case I need them but I am going to go back to water only and see what happens.  I need to tear down my idols and "Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only."  My flesh is an idol.  What people think of me is an idol.  Comfort in this world is an idol.  All these things stand between me and a closer relationship with God and a fulfillment of what God wants me to do in this life.  All stand in the way of being an effective missionary.  All stand in the way of me showing the lost my Lord and Savior.
Random thought that also tends to annoy me.  It is impossible to keep this fast under the radar.  I don't go around proclaiming that I'm fasting.  Scripture instructs us to do so in the sight of God and not lay around in "ashes and sackcloth".  I've realized that, good gracious, everything is about food!  I couldn't talk to anyone yesterday without them asking about lunch and I quietly tried to bow out simply stating that I wasn't going and then people want to know why and then...you get the drift.  Then people who know announce it to other people.  Instead of letting me state at the restaurant that I was not eating (I went to fellowship with friends who I hadn't spent a lot of time with recently), a friend announced to the waiter that I was fasting and would not be ordering.  ::sigh::  I'm trying not to be proud about this but it seems like that another battle I'll have to fight.  I'm not doing this for the attention, believe me.  I'm very happy keeping my head down and not having random people come up to me and tell me to eat.  I suppose this blog is about as public as I like and even then, I know very few read it.
I must confess that this weekend, apart from what the Lord showed me last night, was a flop.  I didn't spend any time with him on Sat (I just can't get into that groove) and little to no extra time yesterday outside of church.  I am emotionally strained and stressed this morning.  Spiritual struggles, coupled with hurts, offenses, barbs and jabs from other events over the weekend, coupled with the fast have me in need of a day off to just sit and talk to no one.  Alas, I don't live in a world where that is possible. 

Quick physical update:  Friday and Sat I had juices.  One bottle I bought had dehydrated stuff in it so I believe it awoke my digestive system but that seems to have quieted down again.  I am back on water today and I'll see how it goes.  I think my body is out of acidosis, but I could be wrong.  The lack of fatigue might just be the nutrients in the juices.  I am down 35lbs from where I was at Christmas.  That leaves me with 30lbs to go in order to reach my health goal for mission work and a total of 45lbs to reach my ultimate weight loss goal.  Woot!  God is good!  I hope that I won't lose a lot more weight on this fast (I know I will) because I want to lose most of my weight through lifestyle change so that I don't gain it back.  I would be lying if I didn't admit that the weight loss is another perk of continuing the fast.  Yet I don't want to get too wrapped up in it for this is effortless weight loss.  Its what the world calls an "easy fix" to my weight problem.  I need a real fix, not an easy one.  Controlling my diet after my detox fast in Jan proved to be much easier than before so I'm hoping that after this fast my control over what I eat will be even better.
Ok, now that my book is complete, I will bid everyone adieu.

Day 7 : Update

Ok, so I feel like a complete and absolute failure - I drank some tomato juice for dinner.  I just cannot cope with the low energy levels. I've been making mistakes at work (which I think my boss didn't notice because I got an excellent review and a raise today!  PRAISE THE LORD!) and I need to be able to do my job for the glory of God.  I can't do that now. I can barely make it up our stairs to the apartment or walk around the warehouse at work to check the doors.  I'm hoping that the juice will also settle my stomach down.  My roommate says I should just make myself throw up once to get all the crap out of it, but I hate throwing up with a vengence.  All this may just be justification for the fact that I love my flesh, but for now I believe there enough good reasons to switch to juices for now.
So the second colon cleaning round went well.  The technician (who owns the place) talked my head off and I didn't have any nervous energy this time to talk back.  She did make an interesting comment about the left side of my body being my gentle side.  She also said that I bottle up emotions and don't talk about things.  Uh...BINGO!  She got that one right.
Welp, besides the juice, I wanted to give everyone some of my thoughts on Ps 49. 
Let's just start with what I've written down:
Ps 49:7

No man can redeem the life of another or give God a ransom for him - the ransom for a life is costly, no payment is ever enough - that he should live on forever and not see decay.

(Note: the last part reminds me of Christ and how prophecy said [maybe in this verse, maybe from another verse] that he would never see decay.  How much do I thank Christ for paying what Ps 49 says cannot be bought with payment?  Praise the Lord for Christ's sacrifice and my salvation!)  From my commentary (NIV) they added, "There is no way for a person to buy eternal life with God.  God alone can redeem a soul."
Application for me:  I cannot save people.  It is only by the power of God.  Prayer is my weapon.  I must earnestly pray for people. Then I must share the gospel with them when I have the opportunity.
Ps 49 is reminiscent of Ecclesiastes.  Life is futile outside of the pursuit of God.   v 20 "A man who has riches without understanding is like the beast that perishes."  Isn't this the same conclusion that Solomon comes to?
v 15 is our hope.  "But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself." 
v 19 struck me as something to meditate on when considering the lost.  "He will join the generation of his father, who will never see the light of life."
Never see the light of life.  Jesus said that he was the way, the truth and the life - no one comes to the Father except through him.  It saddens me to think of those who will follow their fathers in their futile attempts to save themselves.  This should be motivation for me to daily seek to share the gospel.
Lord, give me a passion for those who will not see your light.  When I see them, make my heart yearn to pray for them and then share with them.
This Psalm was full of so many things. The Lord truly opened my eyes to his word this morning and I am grateful.

Tomorrow, I will be attempting to rebuild my energy and muscles with some tomato and mixed veggie juices bought at Whole Foods.  2/$5!  :)  I hope to be back on water eventually, but if not, I will at least be going back to water during Holy Week.

Day 7: Torn down, to be built up.

Yesterday was a bit of a spiritual flop, but today has been so enriching, so blessing!  The Lord has opened his word to me and it is refreshing! I meditated on Ps 49 (perhaps my thoughts will come later) and then I thought about what I was going to write.  I decided that those thoughts and insights were given to me by the Lord and that I should ask him what he would like me to write.  But why do I do this?  Why do I give millions of people access to my personal, physical and spiritual life?  Is it for my own glory or for the glory of the One who is working in me?Then it hit me.  2009 was a dark spiritual year.  2010 seems to be gaining momentum and I rejoice in God's grace.  I've asked God the question, "Why?" so many times and I've never gotten an answer.  I've thought hard about my role in my fall and what I did and how I can change, but I've never gotten an answer to the purpose behind it. I asked the rhetorical question on day one: is being made aware of my sin growth?
I am here to answer that today: Yes.
Why did God tear me down for an entire year only to build me back up?
Answer?  For His Glory alone.  When I gained victory in the past, who did I attribute that victory to?  Did I do it in my own strength?  Who did I give glory to?  Now that I have been torn down to see exactly what kind of person I am and how the only way I gain any victory over sin in this life is through the Holy Spirit, to whom will attribute praise?  I cannot praise myself for I know what kind of creature I am.  I know what I am like apart from the grace of God.
Perhaps now that I am gaining some ground in my walk with Christ, I can attribute it all to him.  Its all grace.
I pray that as I continue to post on this blog and continue to share my experiences that no one will think I do this to toot my own horn.  I do this to encourage others and to glean new thoughts for myself.  Journaling is a spiritual discipline that allows the Christian to go back and look at what God has brought them through, to remember what they've been taught and to gain new insight on old experiences.  I have a private journal, but the main thoughts I'd like to share with you.  Hopefully, I'll get my Ps 49 thoughts posted.  Read it.  Its not what you'd expect from a Psalm. It has the tone of Ecclesiastes.  Meditate on it and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it as I prepare my own.

Physically:  This is going to sound off, but I went and had a colonic irrigation yesterday.  Let me tell you, it was an odd experience but soooo worth it.  The entire lower half of my body is now free of what it couldn't get rid of!  I'm going in today to finish the cleaning.  I cannot explain the difference it has made and the general junk that I got rid of, some of it perhaps was very old and blocking my intestinal track for awhile!
I have the general sense of myself back.  I "feel" good.  I have energy but my muscles are weak.  Taking a shower this morning required me to sit on the toilet afterward and rest, then move into my bedroom and lay down for 10 minutes.  I am going to try to at least make it through the 2nd week without juices, but honestly - if this fatigue keeps up, I'll have to switch to juices.  I'm thinking mainly tomato and carrot juice.  They are high in vitamins and minerals and yet low on calories.  The fruit juices will give my body too many calories to work with and I want my body to continue through my fat layers and detox those. 
I had a detox cycle last night that made me toss and turn.  Mainly I had to curl up in a ball on one side and fall back asleep then turn over and do the same.  It wasn't as bad as those I experienced during my 10 day fast.
All in all, though (besides water still upsetting my stomach) I feel better, I can breath better and I'm losing more weight.  Praise the Lord!  I'm hoping for an opportunity to let the colonic lady know that I'm a Christian.  She talks, talks, talks so hopefully I can get a little of the gospel in. 
One more thing:  I am amazed at how God created the body!  He made everything related and if one thing isn't working right, other things don't work right.  I praise him that he has allowed holistic remedies so that I don't have to simply treat the symptoms, I can get at the base of the problem!  I'm not pushing for everyone in the world to be whole foods, holistic.  No, I am encouraging all of North America to give up their fast food, processed diets and go back to the foods that God created.  It has made a world of difference in my life and without the cravings for the processed foods, I ENJOY what God has created even more.  I found out before this fast started that I am in love with tomatoes and blueberries!  Who knew!
Hopefully more to come!

Day 5

Wow.  I can't believe its been 5 days!
Physically, I slept well last night - almost 12 hours!  It just felt so good to be in the laying position.
I have still been having stomach problems.  Drinking water only infuriates my stomach.  I think it is caused by a blockage in my bowels and the bile coming from the liver and other organs is getting backed up into my stomach.  That's at least what all the online books are saying.  So I'm going to the Dr. tomorrow/Thurs to get that taken care of.
I have had no headaches today and my sinuses are clear!  PRAISE THE LORD!
Weakness and back pain have been an issue.  I believe these are due to colon function (lower back pain) and acidosis (general fatigue).   My weight this morning was down 11.4lbs since I weighed on Sat.  I don't know if that's accurate but I can fit into my skinny jeans (direct from the dryer!).  I will be taking pictures tonight for friends and family to document my weight loss - no I will not be posting them.
Emotionally, I am doing great.
Spiritually, I have decided to focus on sharing the gospel.  I've started through a Two Ways to Live witnessing guide. It basically helps you share the gospel w/o the words getting in the way.  You can still personalize it to the person you're talking to, but there are pictures and verses that help explain what you're talking about.  I have decided that this year is about getting back on track to go to the mission field.  I have been sitting around waiting for God to do something and move me.  Well, it looks like I just needed to move myself in the direction that God had already shown me.  Wow, this fasting stuff certainly opens your eyes.  I've been waiting for God to do it all and I haven't realized that he's already set the standard for me.  I just needed to cooperate with the Holy Spirit.  How incredibly foolish I've been!  I guess I have something new to repent of.
I have found prayer to be the hardest thing.  I don't know if its lack of motivation to pray correctly.  Its been the biggest struggle I've had in my Christian walk ever since my salvation.  I'm a horrible prayer.  Perhaps I can work on that next. I need to make myself care enough about the world and people around me to pray for them.  I have to believe in the power of prayer!

Day 4? Technically Day 3.5?

Ok, so here's where I start to whine.
I slept horribly last night and I woke up feeling worse.  The past 2 days have been a cinch comfort-wise.  Hunger, but I can deal with that.
Today I feel sore, achy, cold (its snowing 4-6"), tired (working 12 hours today), headache, sinus pain - the whole nine yards.  My roommate, who is also fasting with me, feels the same.  She has more nausea.  So water already tastes nasty but I read somewhere today that if your body doesn't crave water, don't drink it.  You can force yourself and it won't hurt you, but it won't help either.  
I don't think that I'm in as severe acidosis as I was during my last fast, which is nice.  This is all detox.  I fasted for 10 days and my body still has to detox itself.  How much crap did I have in my body?  About 27 years worth!  :)
So, needless to say, spiritually this morning was not very good.  I had a great day yesterday spiritually and I also found out that I may be able to go to Russia for 4 months!  How cool would that be?  Spend 4 months studying Russian, making Russian friends, sharing the gospel, teaching ESL classes, working alongside missionaries I already love, etc.  I think it sounds like blast!  Just another hint that I am indeed called to the mission field overseas.  (This is one reason why I couldn't fall asleep last night, the other was most likely my 2+ hour nap yesterday afternoon.)
There are alot of issues that would have to be worked out financially and spiritually if I were to go.  Its up to the Lord.  I am praying about it and have enlisted some friends and mentors to pray as well.
That's all for today.  Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and I'll be able to go home at 6!  Good Lord willing!

Day 3

Today has been a good day.  Slight headache, slight weakness - but that's all.
Spiritually, today has been better:
After church this morning as I was driving home, I realized that I don't really spend very much time with the Lord on "Lord's Day".  This is a grievous oversight.  I've always been the habitual: go to church, eat lunch w/ friends, go home and relax, go back to church, eat dinner w/ friends, go home and relax/rest more.  I've never even thought of using the time I have on Sundays to spend more time with the Lord.  How dense can I be?
I decided that today should be different. The problem I've encountered is that its been so long since God and I were close that I don't know what to say to him. Consider it like this:  you and an old friend were really close, you had a lot of good times and a great deal of deep discussion that changed you.  Then you don't really talk to that person for a year, you don't really discuss anything, you just mainly show up and go through the motions.  How is that first real conversation back going to go? 
I asked God what I should say to him and the idea of reading a psalm came into my head.  Its been said that the Psalms are there to let us know what to say to God.  They are praises to him from him.  I find it ingenious of him really.  I'm a sinner with no concept of the holiness of God.  Without direction, where do we turn?
So I flipped on over to the Psalm for today, which since I've been trying to read one a day since Jan 1, means I'm on Ps 45.  It didn't really give me much to say.  So I added 30 days to it and flipped over to another, Ps 75.  That didn't do much either.  So I prayed some more asking God what on earth I should say.  Then my eye caught Ps 77:1-12

I cried out to God for help;  I cried out to God to hear me.  When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.

I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint.  You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.  I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night,  My heart mused and my spirit inquired:  

"Will the Lord reject forever?  Will he never show his favor again?  Has his unfailing love vanished forever?  Has his promise failed for all time?  Has God forgotten to be merciful?  Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High."  I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.  I will meditate on all your works and consider all your might deeds.

I knew what I was to say.  I started with my salvation and traced God's hand through my life these past 8 years.  I thanked him for everything he had done and meditated on that.  And I came to the point where I found that I left God. I think that at a certain point, I took what he called me to be and I ran with it.  I set in motion a plan that I thought was God's.  Perhaps it was, most of it he has led me to and through.  But then that plan ended.  I came to the end of my human knowledge of the future.  And I stopped.  It happened slowly, but I stopped going to Seminary.  I stopped being diligent.  I stopped studying his word.  I started down the road of escapism that has lead me where I am today.  Instead of taking my uncomfortable feelings about where I was going and what was happening to the Lord, I pushed them aside and didn't deal with them.  Now I find that there is so much nonsense in my head that when I try to get alone with him, all I hear is noise. 
I am so grateful that the Lord has shown this to me.  It didn't take fasting to discover this.  It only took quieting of my desire to escape and perhaps the mindset of self-denial necessary in fasting to reveal it.  He has still been faithful.  His love is ever drawing me back to him.  
I renewed my desire to be what he has called me to be and I am asking him to show me how to repent of all this.  Shame and realization will only get you so far.  I desire to change.  I no longer want to be on the path that I'm on.  I want to be what God has called me to be.
What has he called me to be? 
For sure, he's called me to be a Christian.  That means that I am his witness.  He has done so much for me and it is my job to take his gospel to the world - the good news that we can be saved from our sins.
I believe he's called me into cross-cultural ministry.  A "missionary" as we call it today.  Where and when, I do not know.  But I do know that there are requirements that must be met before I can be one.  I must have a passion for telling others the good news.  I must always be looking for opportunities to tell people what Jesus has done in my life and ask them if they'd like to know more about him. 
I've been thinking about whether or not he's called me to work with a certain people group right here where I am.  I have a passion for a certain people group and I've found no ministry to them in my city.  Perhaps God is calling me to start something.  I don't feel up for the challenge.  But if he calls me, he will equip me.  I will be praying about this a great deal until Easter.  It is something that I can do now while I'm waiting for the Lord to move me where he wants me to be.  Paul didn't sit in Antioch for all those years and wait for God to lead him.  No.  He ministered where he was.  It is my desire to do the same.
It is now time to rest. 
Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation.
O my soul, praise him!  For he is thy health and salvation!

Day 2

Yesterday was a fail spiritually.  I didn't have any time with the Lord, let alone extra time.
Physically it was amazing.  My roommate and I went to Ikea to get cabinets for the new kitchen.  Well, after an hour and a half of loading/unloading the car trying to get everything in, we finally got it done.  I had plenty of energy.  Wasn't too hungry. 
Craving food is all psychological.  Just because they have killer cinnamon rolls there does not mean that I need to buy them and eat them.  I can make cinnamon rolls that are just as killer, perhaps better than theirs.  Its on my list of things to make once I start eating normally.

Day One: Update

I've been fasting for about 5 hours now and already the psychological warfare of "I need to eat that in order to not miss out...or I need to eat that because its there" has begun.  My body hasn't even entered the "hey, give me food!" stage yet.  ::le sigh::  This might be harder than I thought.

Day One: A Call to Die

My fast begins today after my brunch meeting with a friend.
I have found myself asking God this morning whether this is His will or not.  A disastrous thing in the Christian life is to decide what you're going to do and then ask God to bless it.  It is so important to be doing what He wants you to be doing.  Then He will bless is because it is His will.  I have been wondering whether this is His will.  I have decided that I believe it is.  Communication has been scarce the past week so I'm taking it on faith that God will let me know if this isn't what I should be doing.
I am excited about what could happen during this time of self-denial and spiritual focus.  I am also scared that I will miss the entire point of the exercise, caught up in the health benefits and lose sight of the God I'm longing to get closer to. 
It seems as I have approached this period that I had decided on during my first 10 day fast that my spiritual struggle has increased.  I see myself as a useless sinner whom God cannot change and I know that is false.  There is now no condemnation for those who are Christ Jesus...And so God condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live by the sinful nature but by the Spirit. (Rom 8:1, 4)  If we confess our sins He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  (1 John 1:9)  I must remember that God does not call the worthy, he makes worthy the called.  I was called to do God's will before the foundation of time.  For some odd reason, God chose me to be His child.  I suppose that if I could summarize what I've been learning recently is that it is all grace.  My grace is sufficient for you.  I pray that it is true because I doubt it.
Can you call "learning how sinful you are and how much you don't deserve forgiveness" spiritual growth?  I don't know.
Elisabeth Elliot entitled Amy Carmichael's biography A Call to Die.  I pray that this is what I will be doing for the next 40 some days.  Dying to myself. 
For those of you who are wondering why I'm not starting on Ash Wednesday, the answer is simple: practicality.  The first three days of fasting are the most difficult and uncomfortable.  Hence, I'll give my body a jump start while sleeping tonight and then Sat and Sun can be adjusted to how I'm feeling.  Monday, however, has me working a 12 hour shift. I wanted to be responsible to my job and working during the chaos of detox is a struggle.  So the fast starts today at noon.  It will end at noon on March 14th.  30 days is my goal.  If I must for energy purposes (I struggled with energy last time) I will be drinking juices.  But I'm going to try to go the full 40 days without actual food.  After the 30 day period, I may add some raw fruits/veggies back in for a week, but Holy week will be back to water.  Easter will break my fast and I will begin to gradually start reintroducing foods.  By the end of April, I should be back to a normal human, balanced diet. 
Most people are thinking that I'm crazy.  I may be, but it is going to take something drastic to make my flesh shut up and allow God to speak.  If I must do this in order to hear what God has to say to me, then I will do it.  I will no longer be controlled by my desires or by this world.  They will perish by fire.  I must fear the one who can destroy both body and soul.  If I must be called a radical, fanatic, crazy lunatic then so be it.  I'm sure Jesus' 40 day fast in the desert wasn't popular. 

My how the world crumbles!

Kitchen demo started yesterday at the condo.  My goodness, he works fast!  So everything that was in the kitchen is now in the living room.  Everything that was in the dining room is now in the living room.  Its all in the living room - fridge, dishes, food - all of it.  ::le sigh::  It'll all come together in the end!  Hopefully by the end of the Lent fast.

Speaking of which, decisions have been made on the fast coming up.  I think I'm going to take a big bite and go for 28 days on H2O.  We'll see how it goes.  My last fast was plagued by weakness so I'm going to keep a close eye on my energy levels during the first 2 weeks.  If the energy just isn't there then I will transition to juices and maintain that until the 28 days are done.
At that point - depending on how I'm feeling physically and spiritually - I'll look at either continuing on juices for 2 weeks and then raw fruits and veggies for 1 week until Holy Week.  I've got options there.
The big thing is the 28 days water only.  Its a big chunk to bite off, but I think I'm up for the challenge!

Fast begins Feb 12th after dinner so that I'm not crabby on Monday (I think I have to work a 12 hr shift that day).
End of water only is Mar 12th after dinner.
Ready...set...go!

Fasting Thoughts Update:

Read this on a blog today about a woman who completed her own 28 day water only fast.  Here is what she has found on the bad taste on my tongue and the severe weakness I was feeling.

From:  Dr. Isabelle A. Mose M.D. and Steve Solomon, in their book, How and When To Be Your Own Doctor

Acidosis, the third stage, usually begins a couple of days after the last meal and lasts about one week. During acidosis the body vigorously throws off acid waste products. Most people starting a fast begin with an overly acid blood pH from the typical American diet that contains a predominance of acid-forming foods. Switching over to burning fat for fuel triggers the release of even more acidic substances. Acidosis is usually accompanied by fatigue, blurred vision, and possibly dizziness. The breath smells very bad, the tongue is coated with bad-tasting dryish mucus, and the urine may be concentrated and foul unless a good deal of water is taken daily. Two to three quarts a day is a reasonable amount.

Mild states of acidosis are a common occurrence. While sleeping after the last meal of the day is digested bodies normally work very hard trying to detoxify from yesterday's abuses. So people routinely awaken in a state of acidosis. Their tongue is coated, their breath foul and they feel poorly. They end their brief overnight fast with breakfast, bringing the detoxification process to a screeching halt and feel much better. Many people think they awaken hungry and don't feel well until they eat. They confuse acidosis with hunger when most have never experienced real hunger in their entire lives. If you typically awaken in acidosis, you are being given a strong sign by your body that it would like to continue fasting far beyond breakfast. In fact, it probably would enjoy fasting long beyond the end of acidosis.

Most fasters feel much more comfortable by the end of the first seven to ten days, when they enter the normalization phase; here the acidic blood chemistry is gradually corrected. This sets the stage for serious healing of body tissues and organs. Normalization may take one or two more weeks depending on how badly the body was out of balance. As the blood chemistry steadily approaches perfection, the faster usually feels an increasing sense of well-being, broken by short spells of discomfort that are usually healing crises or retracings.

Fasting Thoughts

My mother reminded me the other day that I had yet to write down all my thoughts and experiences related with my 10 day fast.  Well, let me tell you - It was fantastic!  It wasn't a walk in the park most of the time, but I came out on the other side a changed person.  I changed physically, I lost 17lbs.  I changed spiritually.  But I came to realize that everyone is right when they say that once you get yourself away from distractions, your real self takes over. 
I don't have a lot of insights and bombshells to hit everyone with.  The experience has taught me a great deal about myself.  How psychological food is.  If you're not willing to do at least a 3 day fast (not because of health) then guess what - you're addicted to food.  If you honestly can admit that a 3 day fast would be difficult, but that if God commanded it, you would do it, then take heart - you're not as bad as most of us.
The weirdest thing that happened was that I gained universal support.  I never had anyone telling me that I should stop, that it was killing me, etc.  I had several who said to me the Sunday after I was done, "Its good to see you eating!"  That made me laugh.  I found that I was surrounded by people who completely supported me, a co-worker on day 10 said she was very very proud of me, but no one who was remotely willing to join me.  I don't know exactly what that means, but I am grateful for the support.  Office workers even moved a pizza party across the office so that I wouldn't be tempted.
Spiritually, it didn't change me much.  It renewed my walk with Christ, which was faltering, and I've had highs and lows since then.
The big thing that it did was cleanse my body of mass amounts of crap.
For those who are considering fasting, let me lay out my general experiences for you.
Note:  Everyday, all day - I had a terrible taste in my mouth.  This is detox.  Do not chew gum, do not eat certs or mints.  Wash your mouth out with mouth wash every 2 hours and scrape your tongue off with a toothbrush.  If you want to see that crap coming out of your body, wake up in the morning and wipe your tongue on a white towel.  The dark gray, organge-like stuff is toxins.  THAT is what you put into your body and THAT is what your body is getting rid of.  Ewwww - Gross!!  No more McDonalds for me!
Day 1 Sunday:  No ill affects, just hungry.
Day 2 Monday:  Headache.  I took ibuprofen.  DO NOT DO THIS!  The fast is a fast away from modern medicine.  The ibuprofen only awakened my digestive tract and upset my stomach.  Experience the pain!  Its a reminder of all the things in your body that shouldn't be in your body.
Day 3 Tuesday:  Still hungry.  But felt fantastic!
Day 4 Wednesday:  Tues night I had a massive detox cycle.  I tossed and turned in bed for hours and felt sore.  It felt like sleeping when I had a severe case of the flu and a 104 degree fever.  This is the hardest part.  It will feel like you are sick.  You're not.  Sleep intensifies, at least for me, the detox process.  At this point, my body was converting itself from using glucose from my liver as energy to using my fat and dead cells as energy.  Toxins are stored in fat and as fat.  As your body dips into those fat reserves, toxins are flushed into your system in large numbers.  This is normal, but its painful.  Another reminder of all the crap you put into your body that shouldn't be there.
Day 5 Thursday: Lack of energy.  Mass amounts of psychological warfare went on as pizza was ordered. I found that I feel like I'm missing out on things if good food is around and I don't eat it.  It wasn't hunger - it was messages in my brain that were WRONG!  This is harder than feeling hungry.  When your body is actually asking for food, its easy to say no.  When an addiction is calling for satisfaction, it goes against the nature of addiction to deny it.
Day 6 Friday:  Massive lack of energy.  By this point, it was hard for me to get around in the mornings.  I felt very weak and very slow.  This is not normal for everyone.  I was beginning to be crappy because of the lows I was feeling.  Fasting is a cycle of highs and lows.  It is normal - but not fun.
FASTING IS NOT FUN!
Day 7 Saturday:  I laid in bed all day.  It was fantastic!  Yet, I stopped drinking water.  At the time, I saw it as a bad sign.  I've read since then that it is a normal thing.  You just have to push through and drink more water even if you don't want to.  Late Sat I decided to get some apple juice (all naturally squeezed with no other ingredients.  Is available at whole foods for about $2-3/bottle.  Its fantastic).  It gave me some flavor so that I could make it through the next three days.
Day 8 Sunday:  Still feeling weak when taking stairs, etc.  The apple juice helped my energy level a bit.  I had a 6 oz glass for breakfast and then continued with water for most of the day.  I even went out to lunch with everyone to KFC.  I was not tempted to eat a thing.  At this point, my body was in fast mode, it was using my fat to feed itself.
Day 9 Monday:  Had another bad detox cycle Sunday night.  It wasn't as bad as Tues night, but I still tossed and turned.  By this time, my body was eating away my fat in mass proportions.  A pound of fat has 3500 calories in it.  My body was going through a pound a day.  I noticed that where I normally lost weight first was beginning to be sore.  I normally lose it in my tush and upper thighs first, giving me baggy butt in my jeans.  Well, it was very difficult to go to the bathroom.  Females sit on all those muscles.  I'm not sure if this is normal, but it happened.
Day 10 Tuesday:  I was feeling ok by Day 10.  My energy was back up because of the juices and I was feeling better all around.  Everyone was asking me at the office what I was going to eat.  I proudly proclaimed - banana!  The odd thing was that my stomach was upset all day. I don't know why.  I think I went through yet another detox cycle at work as I was nervous, anxious and jittery.  I had to get up and walk around to relieve the anxiety.  This is normal for detox.
So that's all I have time to relate today.  I hope that my experience will help some not be afraid of fasting.  I'll add more later as I have more thoughts.
My roommate and I will also be starting a 40 day fast for the lent season this year.  It is not going to be water only. This fast is purely spiritual.  I am seriously looking to quiet my flesh so that God may show himself to me more clearly.  As a result, I may not be talking about it as much.  I am hoping that it is another time of cleansing.  But I also know it will be a time of pain.  I have a lot of issues within myself that God needs to fix.  There are times when only when we are broken are we healed. 
Ask questions, make comments - whatever you'd like.  I'd love to hear from anyone!
Tootles!