Its official. It has been for awhile now. I'm moving to Chicago and the time is coming up fast. Yet I have no job, no apt and no timeline. I feel that the Lord has given me a general time that I'll be moving and He will fulfill it in His way.
Right now I'm struggling with several things. The first is the easiest to talk to identify. I'm scared stupid. I can do the moving thing, the new city thing, the new job thing and the apartment thing. I've done all that before. But what I really don't want to do is the hard stuff. Finding a new church, new friends, a new support group and I'm mostly scared of doing what God has called me to do there. Make friends, share Him, disciple, church plant. I never really understood what Paul was saying in 2 Corinthians when he says of God, "My grace is sufficient for you." Over the past year there can be no other description for my life. God's grace is the only thing I have. Its the only security I can find. It is the only thing that will give me the strength to do this. Ministry scares the crap out of me because it takes time, it takes effort and it takes emptying myself and letting people close.
That brings up the second thing I'm struggling with. Every time I go to church these days, I find myself on the brink of tears. I'm an unstable emotional ball of TNT just waiting to blow up. I realized today how much I love the people around me. I never felt like this leaving NE. I love the people in NE dearly, but they're mostly family. The people I've met here seem more than family to me. I love my friends and my church family so very very much. It breaks my heart to think of having to say good-bye to all of them. I won't be able to stop crying when the day comes because I can't stop crying right now. I love everyone so much that it hurts. Is this the way Paul felt when he left Ephesus? Are these the feelings that he had for all the churches he had planted along the way? I guess so. I love these people and I want to see them grow in the faith. I want to see them reach out and share the gospel, take Christ to the all! What an epiphany! Well, that's encouraging at least. To feel in some way the same as Paul when he left his churches makes me feel like these feelings are not a bad thing, not a sign of weakness, not outside of God's will.
All for now. Tootles
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
What is my motivation? and ramblings...
What is my motivation?
I feel alone, Lord. Completely. Totally. Alone. Outside of you there is no one I can talk to. I mainly stay within myself and that has been ok recently. I don't talk to people. I never have. I feel all these things and I feel them so deeply. Yet I can't/don't/won't open my mouth and speak them. This is why I don't share the gospel. I don't talk to people about my spiritual struggle, about my life, about what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. Perhaps this is why I don't share the gospel. Do I think that people won't care what comes out of my mouth? Is that why I have to yell so loudly above everyone else when I do have something to say? Do I want to make sure that they hear it? Is that pride? Probably.
Is God breaking me down? Is he showing me how awful a person I really am? I used to think that I was a good person, easy to get along with, a good friend, someone who didn't do wrong things. Oh yes, he's showing me that apart from His grace I am a horrid person. I am evil. I need to accept this. Kill self and submit myself humbly to His will at His feet. I've just never felt like such a horrible person and it hurts. I always knew that apart from God I was evil, but I never thought that I actually acted like the things I hate. I do stupid stuff and then I do humble myself and ask for forgiveness. Then people constantly bring up the bad things. And it pokes at me. It pokes at my pride and forces me to humble myself. I get uppity and think that they should never mention that b/c its forgiven, etc. But that's just my pride.
Lord, please...what the heck! I get it already! "Only what I think of you matters. If everyone on earth thinks you are the worst person, what I think really matters. If everyone on earth thinks you're the best person on earth, what I think really matters." This is so uncomfortable.
The sad thing is that I don't have anyone that I can sit down and tell all this to. I don't think anyone would stop and listen. Are they supposed to? Am I just supposed to write all this out and then feel better and move on? I'm soooo uncomfortable. Do I need anyone but God?
I'm completely dependent upon you Lord. I have nothing. No resources. No contacts. No plan B. No security blanket. Nothing to keep me from going down if everything blew up.
What motivates me, Lord? What makes me get up everyday? I have to go to work b/c I have to make money to live, to pay bills, to eat, to keep a roof over my head. I guess money does motivate me. What else can I do, though? I want to live a certain way therefore I have to pay a certain amount of money.
Lord, what do you want me to be doing? I have all this spare time? "Spend it with me. Come home every night and spend it with me until I give you something."
Chicago is always on the back of my mind. When will I go? What will it look like? Am I really called to go there? How is this all going to work?
I feel alone, Lord. Completely. Totally. Alone. Outside of you there is no one I can talk to. I mainly stay within myself and that has been ok recently. I don't talk to people. I never have. I feel all these things and I feel them so deeply. Yet I can't/don't/won't open my mouth and speak them. This is why I don't share the gospel. I don't talk to people about my spiritual struggle, about my life, about what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. Perhaps this is why I don't share the gospel. Do I think that people won't care what comes out of my mouth? Is that why I have to yell so loudly above everyone else when I do have something to say? Do I want to make sure that they hear it? Is that pride? Probably.
Is God breaking me down? Is he showing me how awful a person I really am? I used to think that I was a good person, easy to get along with, a good friend, someone who didn't do wrong things. Oh yes, he's showing me that apart from His grace I am a horrid person. I am evil. I need to accept this. Kill self and submit myself humbly to His will at His feet. I've just never felt like such a horrible person and it hurts. I always knew that apart from God I was evil, but I never thought that I actually acted like the things I hate. I do stupid stuff and then I do humble myself and ask for forgiveness. Then people constantly bring up the bad things. And it pokes at me. It pokes at my pride and forces me to humble myself. I get uppity and think that they should never mention that b/c its forgiven, etc. But that's just my pride.
Lord, please...what the heck! I get it already! "Only what I think of you matters. If everyone on earth thinks you are the worst person, what I think really matters. If everyone on earth thinks you're the best person on earth, what I think really matters." This is so uncomfortable.
The sad thing is that I don't have anyone that I can sit down and tell all this to. I don't think anyone would stop and listen. Are they supposed to? Am I just supposed to write all this out and then feel better and move on? I'm soooo uncomfortable. Do I need anyone but God?
I'm completely dependent upon you Lord. I have nothing. No resources. No contacts. No plan B. No security blanket. Nothing to keep me from going down if everything blew up.
What motivates me, Lord? What makes me get up everyday? I have to go to work b/c I have to make money to live, to pay bills, to eat, to keep a roof over my head. I guess money does motivate me. What else can I do, though? I want to live a certain way therefore I have to pay a certain amount of money.
Lord, what do you want me to be doing? I have all this spare time? "Spend it with me. Come home every night and spend it with me until I give you something."
Chicago is always on the back of my mind. When will I go? What will it look like? Am I really called to go there? How is this all going to work?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
To Shape and Use
We always have visions, before a thing is made real. When we realize that although the vision is real, it is not real in us, then is the time that Satan comes in with his temptations, and we are apt to say it is no use to go on. Instead of the vision becoming real, there has come the valley of humiliation.
God gives us the vision, then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision, and it is in the valley that so many of us faint and give way. Every vision will be made real if we will have patience. Think of the enormous leisure of God! He is never in a hurry. We are always in such a frantic hurry. In the light of the glory of the vision we go forth to do things, but the vision is not real in us yet; and God has to take us into the valley, and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the place where He can trust us with the veritable reality. Ever since we had the vision God has been at work, getting us into the shape of the ideal, and over and over again we escape from His hand and try to batter ourselves into our own shape.
The vision is not a castle in the air, but a vision of what God wants you to be. Let Him put you on His wheel and whirl you as He likes, and as sure as God is God and you are you, you will turn out exactly in accordance with the vision. Don't lose heart in the process. If you have ever had the vision of God, you may try as you like to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never let you.Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, 07/06
Can this be any more true of my life right now? Can God really change me?
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ JesusPhilippians 3: 13b-14.
Friday, July 2, 2010
In the Belly of a Whale...
I follow the night, can't stand the light.
When will I begin to live again?
One day I'll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday.
What good could your love do for me?
and dread the day when dreaming ends?
One day I'll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday.
Why live life from dream to dream
and dread the day when dreaming ends?
One day I'll fly away. Fly fly away.
There are so many awful parts of Moulin Rouge, but there are some good parts as well - this one is probably the best part. From a Christian perspective, it has many layers. In my mind, I can pray that to God sometimes. At other times, I think about it as I struggle with singleness. What good could a man's love do for me? When will I be through with that kind of love? When will I run into the arms of the most Holy?
I wish I was as Paul right now. My focus solely on the Lord.
And suddenly, my mind goes off on its own and here's what it comes up with: Jonah.
You see God's a god of mercy,
God's a god of love.
And right now, He's gonna lend a helping hand from up above!
Praise the Lord!
He's the God of second chances!
You'll be floored how His love your life enhances!
You can be restored from your darkest circumstances!
Our God is a God of second chances!
Praise the Lord that he's given me music like this. I am now jamming to his grace! Woot!
When will I begin to live again?
One day I'll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday.
What good could your love do for me?
When will love be through with me?
Why live life from dream to dreamand dread the day when dreaming ends?
One day I'll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday.
Why live life from dream to dream
and dread the day when dreaming ends?
One day I'll fly away. Fly fly away.
There are so many awful parts of Moulin Rouge, but there are some good parts as well - this one is probably the best part. From a Christian perspective, it has many layers. In my mind, I can pray that to God sometimes. At other times, I think about it as I struggle with singleness. What good could a man's love do for me? When will I be through with that kind of love? When will I run into the arms of the most Holy?
I wish I was as Paul right now. My focus solely on the Lord.
And suddenly, my mind goes off on its own and here's what it comes up with: Jonah.
You see God's a god of mercy,God's a god of love.
And right now, He's gonna lend a helping hand from up above!
Praise the Lord!
He's the God of second chances!
You'll be floored how His love your life enhances!
You can be restored from your darkest circumstances!
Our God is a God of second chances!
Praise the Lord that he's given me music like this. I am now jamming to his grace! Woot!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Beloved
The past two days have been trying. I've been running away from God. He's been running after me. Eventually, He ran past me and caught me. Instead of feeling complete in His arms, I beat my way out of them and started running again. He's caught up with me again. I'm content to stay in them for now. He's the only thing I have left.
If you've never been stripped of everything you thought you cared about, you don't know how scary it is. I don't have a desire to do anything. There's a gaping hole and the only thing that can fill it is God. I still frantically try to fill it. Yet when whatever I'm doing is over - all I can think to do is lay on my bed and think or sleep. I push away from that. It fills me with emptiness. So I try to fill myself again with whatever I can find. I don't want to watch movies, read books, write, cook - nothing. My desires for everything is gone. The only option he's left is him. Have I mentioned how scary this is?
He cornered me tonight. I want to rest in his arms, but its so weird. I'm not used to it, so I flee from it. And even then all I can pray about it myself - I seek his hand, longing to know what the future holds instead of looking into his face and worshiping the Almighty.
The feeling of hope in his arms is scary. Can I really change? Can I really do what he's calling me to do? I keep asking him to change me, but all I hear is "be first - do second." That's a hard thing for me to do.
More hope tainted with the threat that I'll fail, tainted with the knowledge that I will fail, tainted with the voices that berate me and tell me that I've tried it all before and I failed.
Once again - there is therapy for this type of thing! I'm an emotional mess and I'm pretty certain that I'm exactly where God wants me. There's a part of me that knows this and rejoices in it. I suppose that's the Holy Spirit keeping me from becoming hardened.
I'm still holding on. Hopefully, I can stay in the Lord's arms tonight and not run away.
I've been listening to Tenth Avenue North for the past two weeks. Mostly their album Over and Underneath but also a song from Light Meets the Dark. Many thanks and hugs to my friend, Melissa, who gave me their album and said, "Listen to this!" Oh how I resonate, feel and drown in these songs! They rip at my heart!
The song that I've been clinging to is Beloved. Here's a taste of the lyrics (I think you'll be able to guess why I cling to it). The bridge says, "You've been a mistress, my wife, chasing lovers that won't satisfy. Won't you let me make you my bride! You'll drink of my lips and taste new life."
Besides the intense word play and theological significance (Song of Solomon, Christ/Church, God/Christian, Husband/Wife), this song is just profound. Its romantic, desperate, filled with emotion and so...perfect!
Here's the chorus:
You're my beloved, Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us, Its you I died for
For better for worse forever we'll be
Love it unites us and it binds you to me
It rips my heart out! I'm struggling with, not exactly being single, but how any man could possibly love me. I long for the love and affection of a man. How can I possibly be constantly longing for the love of a man when my God is saying these types of things to me? How much can I prostitute my soul?
Read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers over the past two days as well, hence the prostituting references. If you haven't read it...READ IT! Even if you're not a romance fan...see what that book has to say about what God will go through to get your heart. I feel so ashamed that he's had to go through much more than that to get my heart.
Its hard to write this. Harder that I can't really talk about it with anyone. How do you explain it? Its so deep, profound and connect to my very core - my mind, my heart and my soul.
Living for God alone - I recoil, frightened. What kind of freedom lies in letting go?
If you've never been stripped of everything you thought you cared about, you don't know how scary it is. I don't have a desire to do anything. There's a gaping hole and the only thing that can fill it is God. I still frantically try to fill it. Yet when whatever I'm doing is over - all I can think to do is lay on my bed and think or sleep. I push away from that. It fills me with emptiness. So I try to fill myself again with whatever I can find. I don't want to watch movies, read books, write, cook - nothing. My desires for everything is gone. The only option he's left is him. Have I mentioned how scary this is?
He cornered me tonight. I want to rest in his arms, but its so weird. I'm not used to it, so I flee from it. And even then all I can pray about it myself - I seek his hand, longing to know what the future holds instead of looking into his face and worshiping the Almighty.
The feeling of hope in his arms is scary. Can I really change? Can I really do what he's calling me to do? I keep asking him to change me, but all I hear is "be first - do second." That's a hard thing for me to do.
More hope tainted with the threat that I'll fail, tainted with the knowledge that I will fail, tainted with the voices that berate me and tell me that I've tried it all before and I failed.
Once again - there is therapy for this type of thing! I'm an emotional mess and I'm pretty certain that I'm exactly where God wants me. There's a part of me that knows this and rejoices in it. I suppose that's the Holy Spirit keeping me from becoming hardened.
I'm still holding on. Hopefully, I can stay in the Lord's arms tonight and not run away.
I've been listening to Tenth Avenue North for the past two weeks. Mostly their album Over and Underneath but also a song from Light Meets the Dark. Many thanks and hugs to my friend, Melissa, who gave me their album and said, "Listen to this!" Oh how I resonate, feel and drown in these songs! They rip at my heart!
The song that I've been clinging to is Beloved. Here's a taste of the lyrics (I think you'll be able to guess why I cling to it). The bridge says, "You've been a mistress, my wife, chasing lovers that won't satisfy. Won't you let me make you my bride! You'll drink of my lips and taste new life."
Besides the intense word play and theological significance (Song of Solomon, Christ/Church, God/Christian, Husband/Wife), this song is just profound. Its romantic, desperate, filled with emotion and so...perfect!
Here's the chorus:
You're my beloved, Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us, Its you I died for
For better for worse forever we'll be
Love it unites us and it binds you to me
It rips my heart out! I'm struggling with, not exactly being single, but how any man could possibly love me. I long for the love and affection of a man. How can I possibly be constantly longing for the love of a man when my God is saying these types of things to me? How much can I prostitute my soul?
Read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers over the past two days as well, hence the prostituting references. If you haven't read it...READ IT! Even if you're not a romance fan...see what that book has to say about what God will go through to get your heart. I feel so ashamed that he's had to go through much more than that to get my heart.
Its hard to write this. Harder that I can't really talk about it with anyone. How do you explain it? Its so deep, profound and connect to my very core - my mind, my heart and my soul.
Living for God alone - I recoil, frightened. What kind of freedom lies in letting go?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Step One: Emptiness
Its logical to feel alone and empty when you're being stripped of everything you have. In the past year or more I've been stripped of everything I could possibly be living for. Slowly, methodically and painfully (because I held on when I should have let go) its been vanishing one by one. Its even caused me to grow angry at God and turn my back on Him. Since I turned back to Him last fall, He's been talking and working. I think I've come to the point God has been leading me to.
So...what have I been living for: Myself? Tried it - a deep chasm of emptiness awaits. School? Tried it - burn out, big time. Work? Nope - don't like my job that much (even more emptiness b/c living for other things has caused me to not achieve the calling that God has for me vocationally). Family? Can't - they're 12 hours away. Friends? Impossible - they have their own lives. Possessions? Sorry. Now I'm paying off debt. Food? Oh crap - the scale said what?!?! Fantasy? Another deep chasm of emptiness when you realize that it really is just a dream. Men? Please - don't make me laugh! Solomon was right - all is meaningless.
So what am I left with? God.
When I came to this realization earlier this week, I think I blinked for a very long time. It came after my parents left for NE and I looked around and felt completely and utterly empty and alone.
Its sad to say it, but this is what it took for God to make me look to Him and say, "Ok, you're all I have." Everything else in this world will pass away, but my word will never pass away, He says. All else will leave me empty and alone.
So in the past several days I have been earnestly asking God what living for Him and only Him looks like. I see godly people all around me, but God has a different plan for me than He has for them. So far, I've gotten one revelation or epiphany. Think on God. Paul says in Philippians 4:8 "Whatever is true, whatever it noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." I realized that my thinking is all wrong. When living for God, you want Him always in your head. You want your focus to be completely on Him. Well, duh! How many times did my counseling teacher say "Head - heart - hands"? I can't manifest living for God alone until my head thinks on God alone. So good-bye crappy romance, good-bye regrets and worries, good-bye Twilight, fiction, movies and the perfect men who don't exist (who I'm starting to believe I wouldn't want anyway), good-bye impurity, good-bye lies - HELLO TRUTH!
I feel completely stupid for not realizing this sooner. How long has God been hammering this into my head? How long has He been shinning light into my darkness saying, "Just please go this way"? Too long. O Lord forgive my stubborn, hardened heart.
So, thinking on God = step one for me in living for God alone.
So what do I need to do next? Memorize what is noble, true, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. I need to get God's word into my head. Luckily, God has me reading 5 Psalms a day. So I've got a good base on thinking of Him, but what I need to work on is scripture for everyday situations. When I remind myself that I need to think on what is true and noble, etc; I need to have a verse in my head to follow that thought. Or at least a bible story or biblical principle to think on.
My challenge to everyone today - find out what you're living for. Strip away everything in your life - if it doesn't hurt and doesn't feel empty, congrats. You may be living for God alone. And you're a much wiser soul than I.
Till my next epiphany...
So...what have I been living for: Myself? Tried it - a deep chasm of emptiness awaits. School? Tried it - burn out, big time. Work? Nope - don't like my job that much (even more emptiness b/c living for other things has caused me to not achieve the calling that God has for me vocationally). Family? Can't - they're 12 hours away. Friends? Impossible - they have their own lives. Possessions? Sorry. Now I'm paying off debt. Food? Oh crap - the scale said what?!?! Fantasy? Another deep chasm of emptiness when you realize that it really is just a dream. Men? Please - don't make me laugh! Solomon was right - all is meaningless.
So what am I left with? God.
When I came to this realization earlier this week, I think I blinked for a very long time. It came after my parents left for NE and I looked around and felt completely and utterly empty and alone.
Its sad to say it, but this is what it took for God to make me look to Him and say, "Ok, you're all I have." Everything else in this world will pass away, but my word will never pass away, He says. All else will leave me empty and alone.
So in the past several days I have been earnestly asking God what living for Him and only Him looks like. I see godly people all around me, but God has a different plan for me than He has for them. So far, I've gotten one revelation or epiphany. Think on God. Paul says in Philippians 4:8 "Whatever is true, whatever it noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." I realized that my thinking is all wrong. When living for God, you want Him always in your head. You want your focus to be completely on Him. Well, duh! How many times did my counseling teacher say "Head - heart - hands"? I can't manifest living for God alone until my head thinks on God alone. So good-bye crappy romance, good-bye regrets and worries, good-bye Twilight, fiction, movies and the perfect men who don't exist (who I'm starting to believe I wouldn't want anyway), good-bye impurity, good-bye lies - HELLO TRUTH!
I feel completely stupid for not realizing this sooner. How long has God been hammering this into my head? How long has He been shinning light into my darkness saying, "Just please go this way"? Too long. O Lord forgive my stubborn, hardened heart.
So, thinking on God = step one for me in living for God alone.
So what do I need to do next? Memorize what is noble, true, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. I need to get God's word into my head. Luckily, God has me reading 5 Psalms a day. So I've got a good base on thinking of Him, but what I need to work on is scripture for everyday situations. When I remind myself that I need to think on what is true and noble, etc; I need to have a verse in my head to follow that thought. Or at least a bible story or biblical principle to think on.
My challenge to everyone today - find out what you're living for. Strip away everything in your life - if it doesn't hurt and doesn't feel empty, congrats. You may be living for God alone. And you're a much wiser soul than I.
Till my next epiphany...
Thursday, April 8, 2010
What we truly love.
I think that sometimes the sins we love are the very ones which keep us from getting what our hearts really desire. Check it out in your own life. What is a sin that you know you should stop but you love? You cling to it. You crave it. You're lost in it. Does it have something to do with what your heart desires most? Mine does. I have used that sin to fill the longing. I have pushed God's timing out of my life and I have filled it with what I want, when I want it and how I want it. It is so sick and twisted if you really think about it. There is therapy for this kind of thing!!
Perhaps the longing in our hearts that we fill with sin could be filled with real peace if we sought after God as we ought. I know the longings in my heart would be true and correct if I pursued my God as I ought.
The pursuit of God is what the human heart was created for. Let me not add my own petty substitutes instead of seeking after the creator and lover of my soul!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
