Beloved

The past two days have been trying.  I've been running away from God.  He's been running after me.  Eventually, He ran past me and caught me.  Instead of feeling complete in His arms, I beat my way out of them and started running again.  He's caught up with me again.  I'm content to stay in them for now.  He's the only thing I have left.
If you've never been stripped of everything you thought you cared about, you don't know how scary it is.  I don't have a desire to do anything.  There's a gaping hole and the only thing that can fill it is God. I still frantically try to fill it.  Yet when whatever I'm doing is over - all I can think to do is lay on my bed and think or sleep.  I push away from that.  It fills me with emptiness.  So I try to fill myself again with whatever I can find.  I don't want to watch movies, read books, write, cook - nothing.  My desires for everything is gone.  The only option he's left is him.  Have I mentioned how scary this is?
He cornered me tonight.  I want to rest in his arms, but its so weird.  I'm not used to it, so I flee from it.  And even then all I can pray about it myself - I seek his hand, longing to know what the future holds instead of looking into his face and worshiping the Almighty.
The feeling of hope in his arms is scary.  Can I really change?  Can I really do what he's calling me to do?  I keep asking him to change me, but all I hear is "be first - do second."  That's a hard thing for me to do.
More hope tainted with the threat that I'll fail, tainted with the knowledge that I will fail, tainted with the voices that berate me and tell me that I've tried it all before and I failed.
Once again - there is therapy for this type of thing!  I'm an emotional mess and I'm pretty certain that I'm exactly where God wants me.  There's a part of me that knows this and rejoices in it.  I suppose that's the Holy Spirit keeping me from becoming hardened.
I'm still holding on.  Hopefully, I can stay in the Lord's arms tonight and not run away.
I've been listening to Tenth Avenue North for the past two weeks.  Mostly their album Over and Underneath but also a song from Light Meets the Dark.  Many thanks and hugs to my friend, Melissa, who gave me their album and said, "Listen to this!"  Oh how I resonate, feel and drown in these songs!  They rip at my heart!
The song that I've been clinging to is Beloved.  Here's a taste of the lyrics (I think you'll be able to guess why I cling to it).  The bridge says, "You've been a mistress, my wife, chasing lovers that won't satisfy.  Won't you let me make you my bride!  You'll drink of my lips and taste new life."
Besides the intense word play and theological significance (Song of Solomon, Christ/Church, God/Christian, Husband/Wife), this song is just profound.  Its romantic, desperate, filled with emotion and so...perfect!
Here's the chorus:
You're my beloved, Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us, Its you I died for
For better for worse forever we'll be
Love it unites us and it binds you to me

It rips my heart out!  I'm struggling with, not exactly being single, but how any man could possibly love me.  I long for the love and affection of a man.  How can I possibly be constantly longing for the love of a man when my God is saying these types of things to me?  How much can I prostitute my soul?
Read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers over the past two days as well, hence the prostituting references.  If you haven't read it...READ IT!  Even if you're not a romance fan...see what that book has to say about what God will go through to get your heart.  I feel so ashamed that he's had to go through much more than that to get my heart.
Its hard to write this.  Harder that I can't really talk about it with anyone.  How do you explain it?  Its so deep, profound and connect to my very core - my mind, my heart and my soul.
Living for God alone - I recoil, frightened.  What kind of freedom lies in letting go?

Step One: Emptiness

Its logical to feel alone and empty when you're being stripped of everything you have.  In the past year or more I've been stripped of everything I could possibly be living for.  Slowly, methodically and painfully (because I held on when I should have let go) its been vanishing one by one.  Its even caused me to grow angry at God and turn my back on Him.  Since I turned back to Him last fall, He's been talking and working.  I think I've come to the point God has been leading me to.
So...what have I been living for:  Myself?  Tried it - a deep chasm of emptiness awaits.  School?  Tried it - burn out, big time.  Work?  Nope - don't like my job that much (even more emptiness b/c living for other things has caused me to not achieve the calling that God has for me vocationally).  Family? Can't - they're 12 hours away.  Friends?  Impossible - they have their own lives.  Possessions? Sorry.  Now I'm paying off debt.  Food?  Oh crap - the scale said what?!?!  Fantasy?  Another deep chasm of emptiness when you realize that it really is just a dream.  Men?  Please - don't make me laugh!  Solomon was right - all is meaningless.
So what am I left with?  God.
When I came to this realization earlier this week, I think I blinked for a very long time.  It came after my parents left for NE and I looked around and felt completely and utterly empty and alone.
Its sad to say it, but this is what it took for God to make me look to Him and say, "Ok, you're all I have."  Everything else in this world will pass away, but my word will never pass away, He says.  All else will leave me empty and alone.
So in the past several days I have been earnestly asking God what living for Him and only Him looks like.  I see godly people all around me, but God has a different plan for me than He has for them.  So far, I've gotten one revelation or epiphany.  Think on God.  Paul says in Philippians 4:8 "Whatever is true, whatever it noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."  I realized that my thinking is all wrong.  When living for God, you want Him always in your head.  You want your focus to be completely on Him.  Well, duh!  How many times did my counseling teacher say "Head - heart - hands"?  I can't manifest living for God alone until my head thinks on God alone.  So good-bye crappy romance, good-bye regrets and worries, good-bye Twilight, fiction, movies and the perfect men who don't exist (who I'm starting to believe I wouldn't want anyway), good-bye impurity, good-bye lies - HELLO TRUTH!
I feel completely stupid for not realizing this sooner.  How long has God been hammering this into my head?  How long has He been shinning light into my darkness saying, "Just please go this way"?  Too long.  O Lord forgive my stubborn, hardened heart.
So, thinking on God = step one for me in living for God alone.
So what do I need to do next?  Memorize what is noble, true, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy.  I need to get God's word into my head.  Luckily, God has me reading 5 Psalms a day. So I've got a good base on thinking of Him, but what I need to work on is scripture for everyday situations.  When I remind myself that I need to think on what is true and noble, etc; I need to have a verse in my head to follow that thought.  Or at least a bible story or biblical principle to think on.
My challenge to everyone today - find out what you're living for.  Strip away everything in your life - if it doesn't hurt and doesn't feel empty, congrats.  You may be living for God alone.  And you're a much wiser soul than I.
Till my next epiphany...