Loyalty

"Loyalty to Jesus Christ is the thing that we "stick-at" today.  We will be loyal to work, to service, to anything, but do not ask us to be loyal to Jesus Christ."  -- Oswald Chambers

This quote cuts at my heart.  At this time of the year, Christmas, I find it harder than ever to be loyal to my Lord.  I am never loyal.  I am always skiddish about telling people that I'm a Christian, that I attended Seminary, that I am called to be a missionary.  I am called, but I am not one.  I cower at what others will think of me when I explain that I believe Christianity to be the only way and I want to go into the world to share with others.  How narrow minded is that according to the world?
Oh what a wretch I am!  How I have failed my Lord day in and day out.  I cannot even speak to a new co-worker about being a Christian for fear that she will think that I want to convert her.  I do.  I want so much for all my co-workers to be blessed with knowing Jesus and the hope and purpose that comes with repentance  I must love them enough to talk to them about it.  I am so hung up on what I want to be doing.  I don't want to be uncomfortable.  I don't want to come to God after I sin and be rebuked as I know I should. 
And yet, I never am rebuked.  I am forgiven and urged to continue my commitment.  If I could only come to repentance instead of shame.  If I could only give up what makes me feel comfortable in order to gain what makes me free.  I'm stupid.  I am a sinner in desperate need of grace. 
Lord help me to be truly loyal.