Beloved

The past two days have been trying.  I've been running away from God.  He's been running after me.  Eventually, He ran past me and caught me.  Instead of feeling complete in His arms, I beat my way out of them and started running again.  He's caught up with me again.  I'm content to stay in them for now.  He's the only thing I have left.
If you've never been stripped of everything you thought you cared about, you don't know how scary it is.  I don't have a desire to do anything.  There's a gaping hole and the only thing that can fill it is God. I still frantically try to fill it.  Yet when whatever I'm doing is over - all I can think to do is lay on my bed and think or sleep.  I push away from that.  It fills me with emptiness.  So I try to fill myself again with whatever I can find.  I don't want to watch movies, read books, write, cook - nothing.  My desires for everything is gone.  The only option he's left is him.  Have I mentioned how scary this is?
He cornered me tonight.  I want to rest in his arms, but its so weird.  I'm not used to it, so I flee from it.  And even then all I can pray about it myself - I seek his hand, longing to know what the future holds instead of looking into his face and worshiping the Almighty.
The feeling of hope in his arms is scary.  Can I really change?  Can I really do what he's calling me to do?  I keep asking him to change me, but all I hear is "be first - do second."  That's a hard thing for me to do.
More hope tainted with the threat that I'll fail, tainted with the knowledge that I will fail, tainted with the voices that berate me and tell me that I've tried it all before and I failed.
Once again - there is therapy for this type of thing!  I'm an emotional mess and I'm pretty certain that I'm exactly where God wants me.  There's a part of me that knows this and rejoices in it.  I suppose that's the Holy Spirit keeping me from becoming hardened.
I'm still holding on.  Hopefully, I can stay in the Lord's arms tonight and not run away.
I've been listening to Tenth Avenue North for the past two weeks.  Mostly their album Over and Underneath but also a song from Light Meets the Dark.  Many thanks and hugs to my friend, Melissa, who gave me their album and said, "Listen to this!"  Oh how I resonate, feel and drown in these songs!  They rip at my heart!
The song that I've been clinging to is Beloved.  Here's a taste of the lyrics (I think you'll be able to guess why I cling to it).  The bridge says, "You've been a mistress, my wife, chasing lovers that won't satisfy.  Won't you let me make you my bride!  You'll drink of my lips and taste new life."
Besides the intense word play and theological significance (Song of Solomon, Christ/Church, God/Christian, Husband/Wife), this song is just profound.  Its romantic, desperate, filled with emotion and so...perfect!
Here's the chorus:
You're my beloved, Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us, Its you I died for
For better for worse forever we'll be
Love it unites us and it binds you to me

It rips my heart out!  I'm struggling with, not exactly being single, but how any man could possibly love me.  I long for the love and affection of a man.  How can I possibly be constantly longing for the love of a man when my God is saying these types of things to me?  How much can I prostitute my soul?
Read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers over the past two days as well, hence the prostituting references.  If you haven't read it...READ IT!  Even if you're not a romance fan...see what that book has to say about what God will go through to get your heart.  I feel so ashamed that he's had to go through much more than that to get my heart.
Its hard to write this.  Harder that I can't really talk about it with anyone.  How do you explain it?  Its so deep, profound and connect to my very core - my mind, my heart and my soul.
Living for God alone - I recoil, frightened.  What kind of freedom lies in letting go?

Step One: Emptiness

Its logical to feel alone and empty when you're being stripped of everything you have.  In the past year or more I've been stripped of everything I could possibly be living for.  Slowly, methodically and painfully (because I held on when I should have let go) its been vanishing one by one.  Its even caused me to grow angry at God and turn my back on Him.  Since I turned back to Him last fall, He's been talking and working.  I think I've come to the point God has been leading me to.
So...what have I been living for:  Myself?  Tried it - a deep chasm of emptiness awaits.  School?  Tried it - burn out, big time.  Work?  Nope - don't like my job that much (even more emptiness b/c living for other things has caused me to not achieve the calling that God has for me vocationally).  Family? Can't - they're 12 hours away.  Friends?  Impossible - they have their own lives.  Possessions? Sorry.  Now I'm paying off debt.  Food?  Oh crap - the scale said what?!?!  Fantasy?  Another deep chasm of emptiness when you realize that it really is just a dream.  Men?  Please - don't make me laugh!  Solomon was right - all is meaningless.
So what am I left with?  God.
When I came to this realization earlier this week, I think I blinked for a very long time.  It came after my parents left for NE and I looked around and felt completely and utterly empty and alone.
Its sad to say it, but this is what it took for God to make me look to Him and say, "Ok, you're all I have."  Everything else in this world will pass away, but my word will never pass away, He says.  All else will leave me empty and alone.
So in the past several days I have been earnestly asking God what living for Him and only Him looks like.  I see godly people all around me, but God has a different plan for me than He has for them.  So far, I've gotten one revelation or epiphany.  Think on God.  Paul says in Philippians 4:8 "Whatever is true, whatever it noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."  I realized that my thinking is all wrong.  When living for God, you want Him always in your head.  You want your focus to be completely on Him.  Well, duh!  How many times did my counseling teacher say "Head - heart - hands"?  I can't manifest living for God alone until my head thinks on God alone.  So good-bye crappy romance, good-bye regrets and worries, good-bye Twilight, fiction, movies and the perfect men who don't exist (who I'm starting to believe I wouldn't want anyway), good-bye impurity, good-bye lies - HELLO TRUTH!
I feel completely stupid for not realizing this sooner.  How long has God been hammering this into my head?  How long has He been shinning light into my darkness saying, "Just please go this way"?  Too long.  O Lord forgive my stubborn, hardened heart.
So, thinking on God = step one for me in living for God alone.
So what do I need to do next?  Memorize what is noble, true, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy.  I need to get God's word into my head.  Luckily, God has me reading 5 Psalms a day. So I've got a good base on thinking of Him, but what I need to work on is scripture for everyday situations.  When I remind myself that I need to think on what is true and noble, etc; I need to have a verse in my head to follow that thought.  Or at least a bible story or biblical principle to think on.
My challenge to everyone today - find out what you're living for.  Strip away everything in your life - if it doesn't hurt and doesn't feel empty, congrats.  You may be living for God alone.  And you're a much wiser soul than I.
Till my next epiphany...

What we truly love.

I think that sometimes the sins we love are the very ones which keep us from getting what our hearts really desire.  Check it out in your own life.  What is a sin that you know you should stop but you love?  You cling to it.  You crave it.  You're lost in it.  Does it have something to do with what your heart desires most?  Mine does.  I have used that sin to fill the longing.  I have pushed God's timing out of my life and I have filled it with what I want, when I want it and how I want it. It is so sick and twisted if you really think about it.  There is therapy for this kind of thing!!

Perhaps the longing in our hearts that we fill with sin could be filled with real peace if we sought after God as we ought.  I know the longings in my heart would be true and correct if I pursued my God as I ought.  

The pursuit of God is what the human heart was created for.  Let me not add my own petty substitutes instead of seeking after the creator and lover of my soul!  

Post Fast Update

Hey everyone.
Here's a quick post-fast update.
I swelled up like a balloon at the end of my 2nd week of eating.  But I am happy to report that I had to be in the bathroom every hour over the past 2 days so I'm back down to only 8lbs gained since my fast ended.  Given the food in my system and the fact that I've been building muscle working a house with a friend (http://newoldthompsonhouse.blogspot.com/) I'm happy with that.  I had mass cravings for nuts and am still trying to stay away from carbs and eating lots of meat.  I cheated last weekend and had mexican food- TWICE!  Chicken fried chimichangas with nacho sauce and all the chips and salsa I can eat!  Woot!  Bring it on!
Spiritually, its been up and down.  I'm  more in tune with God now.  I've felt him leading me and as soon as I know exactly where, I'll let you know.  I am more aware of not wanting to spend time with him as opposed to my usual forgetting about him.  I guess that's good in a way.  I'm a sinful creature in the midst of sanctification, he's working on me.
I sense his presence in the spring time air!  Oh how I love to walk to the pastures at my friend's house and just look at the beauty.  I always wish I was in some awesome old dress and there were no cars and I had to go home and churn butter.  I'm odd, I know.
That's all for now!

Day 30

Welp, today's the last day of my fast.  Don't think I'm not excited!!  I am!  Its just going to be so weird to start eating again.  I mean, what does chewing feel like again?  What's it going to be like to actually have muscle strength?  Hmmmm...we'll see.  My first meal is going to consist of a banana and some salad.  Yeah, I know.  I'm very adventurous.  But anyway...I have to start out slowly.  My body isn't used to having to digest food and I need to start introducing foods to it slowly so that I don't get sick.  And I also so I don't begin to eat eat eat eat eat eat!
So what have I learned during this fasting experience?
Where do I begin?
1)  God is amazing!
2)  God is amazing!
3)  God is amazing!
That's all I've really learned.  There have been insights into the past and ways that I act, how I deal with emotions, but the main thing I can say about this fast is that it brought me back to God.  I'm not a "godly" woman yet  by any stretch of the imagination, but I was shown who I was living for - who I still sometimes live for - me.  And that should not be!  I have gained some victory in some sinful areas of my life.  I cannot be slacking on guarding my mind on these sins because they come back very easily.  There is just a general sense of purpose again. 
Speaking of purpose, I had a FANTASTIC Thursday!  I met with a woman who works with the Indian population in Louisville.  She is the head of a people group organization and I was asking her whether there's any work going on with Russians in L'ville, etc etc. and she gave me some amazing contacts.  She also opened my eyes to see how I could engage Russians around the US and perhaps work for NAMB before I go international.  I would much prefer to be practicing for the cross cultural missions in my home culture before I go off and minister in another culture.  It opened my eyes to the possibilities in the US while God has me here. He's placed me where he's placed me for a reason and I need to figure out what that is.
Also, I am now leading a children's choir at my church, grades 2-5.  I'm thinking that's going to be fun! 
And I've been asked to be a youth sponsor for M-Fuge.  Don't know how that's going to go over with my work schedule but I'm praying about it.
Wow!
Apparently, God has opened up some areas of ministry I can be involved in both in my local church and in my city.  I am very excited about what God would have me doing, and at the same time I need guidance as to what I should accept so that I don't try to work in areas that God doesn't want me in.

Physically, since Dec 24th 2009, I am down 41lbs.  I lost 17lbs in my 10 day fast in Jan and 24lbs in my 30 day fast.  I put on a T-shirt today from Hard Rock Cafe Louisville that used to be really tight.  Its very very loose right now.  :)  I'm incredibly grateful for the weight loss God has given me and hope and pray that he'll continue to help me lose.  I have 24lbs left until I hit my international missions goal.  I'm planning on 6 months to get that off (so Nov), but I'm thinking that once I start exercising again, I'll lose it faster than that.  Then I'm only 15lbs away from my ultimate goal.  I can't believe that God is helping me do this.  I believed for so long that I was incapable of losing it.  Its only by God's grace, let me tell you!

So closing thoughts on a 30 day fast. 
1)  If you do not have a personal relationship with Christ, please please please - I'm begging you - seek someone out who does and ask them about it.  Ask me about it.  I would LOVE to share with you how you can have purpose and peace and freedom in your life.  My relationship with Christ is the only thing in my life worth anything.  Everyone I know will die, everything I have will break and fade and can be destroyed but my relationship with my creator cannot be touched by anything in this world. 
2)  This is by no means the end of this blog nor the end of my spiritual journey.  I hope to be able to come back to this and share with everyone people who have come to Christ, insights given by the Holy Spirit and general victories and struggles in my Christian life.  But for now, I'm going to grocery shopping!  :)

Day 23

I have struggled today with what to say to God.  I sit in silence and attempt to focus my mind.  I read a few verses in Romans 11, which ended up in more questions than prayer.  I moved back to Philippians.  I had planned on reading it all the way through again.  This time I only got to 1:3.  It reminded me of all the people in Russia that I have had the opportunity and pleasure to work with.  I said a short prayer of thanks for them and prayed for their lives.  Paul loved the Philippians so much.  I don't love any people that I've worked with that much.  Perhaps the Carrs from Ufa.  I love that family.  I loved talking with their Russian nanny, although I can't remember her name for the life of me.  She touched me as well. 
My mind has been wandering for the past hour and I'm trying to make some kind of sense out of it.  I remember my last trip to Russia.  Getting up every morning and making the trek to McDonalds, hoping not to be ticketed for parking while we were inside.  Or having breakfast with Russians during our conference.  It made me stop and think about what life on the mission field would really be like when I'm not being toted around by the SC and taken care of by his family.  Would I really be able to be effective?
My mind then wandered again to what I really wanted out of life.  The social stigma is for me to want a husband and a family and I do long to work for my family, but right now...I just want to be a missionary.  I want to share Christ with passion and with confidence and I want to make a difference in people's lives.  I want to finally realize that calling that I have.  But what will it cost me?  That was the question that came into my mind- directly from the Lord, I believe.  I do want to be passionate about sharing the gospel but I have to realize that it will cost me everything.
I must die. 
And I don't want to. 
To rip everything out so that my self is exposed and then kill it is a painful venture.  Yet it must be done!  The only way I can succeed in this life is to kill self.  I must lose my life in order to find it.  Oh how that scares me.  Do you realize the implications of that statement?  Lose my life.  I must trust my God enough to allow him to kill me.  I must trust him with everything, give up everything and hope/trust that he will be enough.  Perhaps this is the underlying problem of my life today.  I don't trust him enough.
Jesus says that we must take up our crosses daily and follow him.  That much I think I can do.  I am now realizing how that is done - practically.  As I take a deep breath and throw off the fear that so easily entangles, I realize that dying to self and living in Christ is not such a lofty venture.  It is bound in the everyday decisions.  It is asking myself, "Who are you living for?"  It is putting aside what I want to do that day, how much I want to sleep, what I want to eat, who I want to talk to, who I want to love, the attitude I want to have, what I want to watch, what I want to read, how I want to react, how I want to respond, how much effort I want to use.  Notice a pattern there?  "I".  Insert "God" where you see "I" and you've got the right worldview for dying to self.
I can't believe its taken me 8 years to finally sit down with God and realize what death to self means. 
The hard question I have to ask myself today, is "what does God want me to do today?"  Beyond spending time with him and reading his word, meditating on his message - what does today entail?
For the first time since I started fasting, I have a Saturday to myself.  I have no appointments, no requirements, nothing.  I am actually still in bed and still in my pajamas.  When I'm done with this portion of my day, what should the rest of the day include?  I definitely need to stay away from movies.  I have a dresser I can put together.  I have some cleaning to do.  I have a friend I can visit.  What should be my next priority?  What would Jesus to today?  What did he do everyday when he wasn't in the ministry?  Those are the days that I wish I could see.  When you're not in full-time ministry, what should you do?
Practically, Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
Hmm...good words to live by today.

For those of you who don't journal.  Start.  I have found that writing down what I have been thinking about opens up entire applications for my mind.  All of what I've just written, I thought of on the spot based upon the ways my mind was working.  Scripture came to my mind, applications and practical tidbits came to my mind.  Past thoughts which God strategically placed came to my mind.  Our Lord is wonderful.  Maybe this happens to me because I fancy myself to be a writer.  I like writing.  I write by hand too slow, so I have found blogging to be especially helpful.  Try it.  You don't have to have a subject to write about.  Just start off with the sentence, "I have been thinking about..." and go from there.  I find it helpful.

Onto the fast:  Yes. Day 23.  Wow!  Everyone is telling me how impressed they are with me.  The not eating part has been easy. Its the getting closer to God part that has been a struggle. Yet it has been soooo worth it!  God has been blessing me.  He has been pulling me close to him and it has been wonderful!  I haven't stopped all of the sins that I started out with, but they have been getting fewer and farther in between.  I have been seeing God work, God changing me.  I praise him for it!  If you ever think you can live on your own strength, apart from grace.  You are wrong.  I will argue that point with you day in and day out.  I cannot live apart from the grace of my Lord.  It is a depressing and horrid existence.  I experienced it for almost an entire year before I realized what I was trying to do.
So physically, I have felt fine.  My digestive tract started up on Wed(?) because I drank some apple juice with some pulp in it.  This week has been a constant struggle against food.  My mind is craving it, but my body is happy w/o it.  I went to Fazoli's fast night with some friends and I wanted to eat, but when I'm fasting, there is a supernatural force that just keeps me from reaching out and taking it.  I wish that the force would exist when I'm eating.  I keep saying that its easier for me to eat nothing at all than to control myself.  I pray that this isn't the case when I start eating again.
I have been struggling with the thought of just eating fruits/veggies when I'm done till Holy week.  I am craving carbs and protein, which is expected given the amount of time I've been fasting.  I'm wondering if it wouldn't be more beneficial to fast from movies and books (except for the bible and spiritually related books) for Holy Week.  Yet, I feel that I should at least do Thurs-Sat of Holy Week.  My focus should remain on Christ.  Anyway, I'll decide that when I'm eating again.  Now is a terrible time to decide what I can and cannot do.
That's all for my book today.
 Have a great weekend!

Day 19 : The Pursuit of God

I have had to ask myself the past several days the question, "Who am I living for?"  I am ashamed to admit that whenever I answer that question, it is undoubtedly - myself.  It shocks me how much I live for myself.  In every decision I make, I must ask myself this question.
I bought A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God.  It came last night and I read the first chapter yesterday.  Yet, it was the second chapter today which tugged at my heart.  He entitled the chapter The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing.  He talks about idols of the heart and how they must be ripped out.  Slowly and gently whittling them down to nothing will not work - they must be torn out.  Our hearts will bleed when this is done and it will be painful, but I must ask myself the question, "Who am I living for?"  If I continue to live for myself, I will end up in the same position I have been for the past year.  I will continue to feel ashamed every morning when I go to the Lord and I will continue to fail.  I will continue to not have victory over my sin. 
The beautiful irony of Abraham after he was obedient in sacrificing Isaac, was that "He had everything, but he possessed nothing." (Tozer, p 27) 
I took this to heart this morning and have started to get rid of things that distract me from the Lord, things which take my attention off of Him.  Yet, I argue with God about getting rid of things that are closest to my heart.  Things that I have invested my life in.  And I realize that he wants them deleted, gone from my life.  It was to my peril that I invested such time and energy in them instead of in pursuit of my Lord.  It still hurts.  I am ashamed to say that I have given myself a lifeline to one day get them back.  O Lord, rip them from my clutches and comfort my heart while it bleeds.

Day 19 of my fast.  Wow.  Tomorrow I will have 10 days left.  When I'm sitting at home, with my bible on my lap and the words of my God in my head, I do not wish for food.  But when I'm in the real world, I long for the things I cannot have.  If I do not desire food, I guess I will continue my fast until I do desire food.  At least until I desire the correct kind of food.  I don't want fruit and vegetables this time around.  No.  I want fried chicken, and cakes and chips - all the things that I feel I have been denying myself.  All the things I think I'm missing out on.  I don't quite know how to proceed today, as I usually do.  I suppose I will continue in the path shown and trust that God will continue to help me pursue Him.