What is my motivation? and ramblings...

What is my motivation?

I feel alone, Lord.  Completely.  Totally.  Alone.  Outside of you there is no one I can talk to.  I mainly stay within myself and that has been ok recently.  I don't talk to people.  I never have.  I feel all these things and I feel them so deeply.  Yet I can't/don't/won't open my mouth and speak them.  This is why I don't share the gospel.  I don't talk to people about my spiritual struggle, about my life, about what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.  Perhaps this is why I don't share the gospel.  Do I think that people won't care what comes out of my mouth?  Is that why I have to yell so loudly above everyone else when I do have something to say?  Do I want to make sure that they hear it?  Is that pride?  Probably.
Is God breaking me down?  Is he showing me how awful a person I really am?  I used to think that I was a good person, easy to get along with, a good friend, someone who didn't do wrong things.  Oh yes, he's showing me that apart from His grace I am a horrid person.  I am evil.  I need to accept this.  Kill self and submit myself humbly to His will at His feet.  I've just never felt like such a horrible person and it hurts.  I always knew that apart from God I was evil, but I never thought that I actually acted like the things I hate.  I do stupid stuff and then I do humble myself and ask for forgiveness.  Then people constantly bring up the bad things.  And it pokes at me. It pokes at my pride and forces me to humble myself.  I get uppity and think that they should never mention that b/c its forgiven, etc.  But that's just my pride.
Lord, please...what the heck!  I get it already!  "Only what I think of you matters.  If everyone on earth thinks you are the worst person, what I think really matters.  If everyone on earth thinks you're the best person on earth, what I think really matters."  This is so uncomfortable.
The sad thing is that I don't have anyone that I can sit down and tell all this to.  I don't think anyone would stop and listen.  Are they supposed to?  Am I just supposed to write all this out and then feel better and move on?  I'm soooo uncomfortable.  Do I need anyone but God?
I'm completely dependent upon you Lord.  I have nothing.  No resources.  No contacts. No plan B.  No security blanket.  Nothing to keep me from going down if everything blew up.
What motivates me, Lord?  What makes me get up everyday?  I have to go to work b/c I have to make money to live, to pay bills, to eat, to keep a roof over my head.  I guess money does motivate me.  What else can I do, though?  I want to live a certain way therefore I have to pay a certain amount of money.
Lord, what do you want me to be doing?  I have all this spare time?  "Spend it with me.  Come home every night and spend it with me until I give you something."
Chicago is always on the back of my mind.  When will I go?  What will it look like?  Am I really called to go there?  How is this all going to work?